Okay, it's been a little while since my last update, I'd figured I'd ignore all the blog frustration caused by one mindless fuck known as Gotharg, and update again... From my new computer this time... That was pretty well the highlight of my week... Since I got back in school, daddy bought me a new desktop... Oh how I love dell, and oh how they love my parents moeny... heh... Craig came up to see me for a couple days which was cool... He was at the fire academy in Forsythe(sp) so he came up here Sunday and left this morning... Other than that things have been pretty quiet... Garrett came out Monday night which was awesome, I know he doesn't hate me now, which is always a plus... Especially considering that the majority of people I know are pissed off/frustrated/not speaking to me for some damn dumbass reason or another at any given point... Chris is still sick... He keeps getting worse, and I'm really gonna get pissed if I get sick cause he dumbass won't go to the doctor... Brandon has decided that the proper way to deal with the fact that you are breathing is to drink like a fucking fish... To each his own, yes, but not when you live in my frickin house... He knows I don't want to be around him when he's like that and he keeps going out spending all his damn money on beer and then coming back here, I've really about had enough of it... But as always, Brandon is a whole other story... Everybody keeps telling me that Kate isn't mad at me... Even fuckin Dennis said, "well kate said she's not mad at you, if you'd just call her" first off i'm sick of people trying to tell me what to do... second off, she said she didn't want me to call so why would i, and third why would i want to spend time with someone who "can't handle being around me"... I mean, that's kind-of a bunch of crap... Her 21st birthday is saturday and since she's not talking to me I'm not gonna be there so she'll probably hate me for that too... I'm at least going to send her a card, which is more than I got from her for my 18th... But whatever... I'm done with the drama... I'm not causing drama so dammit I'm not gonna deal with any... There is one thing in my life right now that is somewhat drama enducing, but I'm not in the drama and if things don't start changing I'm not even gonna be near it... So really... Other than that, life is good... and i'm tired and i have a bunch of crap to do tomorrow, so this is gonna have to be a suficient update for now... holla.
I don't want worthless apologies
Or words that are false
At this point I don't know
If I want to regain what I've lost
If it meant so much, and was as true as said
Then why, tell me, is it now dead...
oy... could life be any more complicated? and the fucked up thing about it, is that it really isn't that complicated, it just seems like it... I dunno... maybe I'm crazy... my mom is driving through the chickamauga battlefield right now, cause her best friend since like birth called a little bit ago to tell us that her mom had died, and my mom was really close to her mom and her and so, that kinda sucks a lot... and i'm tired... and frustrated... and seriously stressing about saturday... i know if i don't go it's an incredibly shitty thing to do, got that, one with the realization... but at the same time i don't know if i can deal with going, or if i want to/can stand to, test myself to see if i can deal with it... if i don't go i will seriously get the worst friend of the year award, but if i do go there's still a chance of that. and i don't want to put anybody in the middle of anything they don't need to be in the middle of and i know everybody would be pissed but i can't really explain it to anybody... it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, and i'm not even sure it makes sense to me... i just know it's gonna be stressed and stressing and awkward and uncomfortable and ya... things are going to suck no matter which way it goes... and i swear to god brandon is about to get the shit beaten out of him by me, but that's a whole other story, that i can't really talk to anyone about either because everyone except like my mom, dennis and chris think the fucking child can do no wrong... which really pisses me off... something happens, he runs his mouth and i end up looking like the bitch, when no one knows the real story cause the mother fucker lies everytime he opens his mouth... and then craig is coming in town on sunday and plans on staying for a couple of days i think... he wanted me to go back with him but my mommy says no... and chris is sick... and dustin emailed garrett and had garrett forward the email to me and something is for real going on and i don't know what and i've emailed him twice and he hasn't emailed me back and i'm seriously tempted to just be waiting up there when he gets off work tomorrow, if he works tomorrow... i don't even know anymore... i'm just so tired and i can't explain it to anybody, and when i try they think i'm bringing drama and bitching instead of just trying to be like hey, listen for a minute while i vent, or at least pretend to listen... i'm sick of being there for everybody else through all kinds of crap that i don't want to be there for and crap that makes me stressed out and sick and almost to a point that i can't deal at all and then the second i open my mouth even to mention something that's on my mind everybody bails and says sorry i can't deal with you... it's fucking middle school bull shit and i'm tired of it... but on the plus side, i got all my stuff with chattanooga state straightened out, so i will be attending this summer and as a bribe/present/whatever the hell my daddy ordered me a new computer... at least i have that to look forward to...
I'm trying to breathe... I'm trying really hard... Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but it's getting easier... Things have been weird since Brandon and I broke up... They haven't been as weird as they could be because I haven't been here really and when I have been he's been asleep due to that whole working his ass off thing... I spent the weekend at Kate's, it was pretty well awesome... For a number of reasons... Staying up way too damn late, running around being stupid... It's weird how much you can miss that... I've been pretty happy the past few days, and I can't really say why... Last night was not fun... I took Brandon to work and decided to hang out for a bit because first off I will be damned if he will run me out of my waffle house, but ya... Chris was there and then dennis came in... It was pretty cool but at the same time not so much... Brandon wouldn't leave me alone, and I ended up getting pissed and leaving pissed, and then Chris wanted to borrow a CD so I went back and then I got to leave pissed off again... And come to find out Brandon keeps talking about wanting me back and wanting to touch me and blah blah blah... And I really wish he wouldn't do that for like a million different reasons... I mean if he wants to be dense and not realize I don't want him back then that's his problem, but he doesn't realize how much the people he talks to care about me and eventually he's gonna fuck up and say the wrong thing and then shortly thereafter he will be broken into many small pieces and even though it will have been his own fault I'll still feel bad... I'm just so damn frustrated with so many things, and just arg... Maybe eventually I'll be able to talk about it all, but I don't know...
Hey well today sucked... I slept pretty late and took Brandon to work and then I ran around with Kate... I bought make-up... heh... I can be a girl, nice to know sometimes... Brandon called right before dinner to tell me that instead of getting off at 11, he was getting off at 730... I wasn't exactly thrilled with this... You've kind-of had to be around lately to know the whole story... But basically it's a relationship that wasn't so much with the working and even though I care about Brandon a lot he was driving me nuts and constantly being around was driving me batty... So anyway, Dennis called right after dinner to see if we wanted to go bowling... He said that Chris might come up there... Kate and I wanted to go but I didn't really want Brandon to go... And the thing with Chris is weird... I mean it's not a thing, but it could be a thing and the two of them in the same place is not a happy thing even though Brandon doesn't know... Anyway... I didn't think Brandon would want to go due to the whole working his ass off thing... But of course, he did... He was in a shitty mood when I picked him up from work and that just made me even more upset... So Kate and I got ready... I put on make-up and tight jeans and fixed my hair and basically acted like a girl, which I think irked Brandon a bit... So he decides he's gonna be in a great mood and switching gears like that just doesn't work with me... Especially when you force me to talk to you when I'm upset and then I can't even freaking pay you to talk when you tell me that you're depressed, it just doesn't so much work... Anyway, all the way to the bowling alley on Ringgold rd. we were okay... Then in the bowling alley I'm not happy and he knows and he asks for some of his money so he can go buy beer, ya that's not good... I said no, we fought, in the middle of the bowling alley and ended up breaking up in the middle of the bowling alley... Not fun... So all the way back to my house we are screaming and fighting and he is beating himself up... He pretty much went fucking psycho... So he stayed here and kate and I left again... Eventually I guess he calmed down after some nutty episodes and some veiled threats he made on his own life, but whatever... So I agreed to meet him at Waffle House and he was fine... Like perfectly fine... Which is really fucking weird... But whatever... and he's working which I thought was kind-of weird cause he's working there from 11pm-6am and tomorrow he works 1pm-9pm and then 10pm-6am and then back at work at 11am... Now I know that two jobs is tiring and people need money but jesus-h-christ... so anyway... right now we're going to try and be friends I think and he's going to stay here until he can get the money to get his own place and just ahh! I mean, it's a relief kind-of because I wasn't happy and I didn't want to be with him it's just weird... and there is no way this entry can do the fights justice... but trust me, you wouldn't want to understand anyway... but ya... needless to say i'm tired... so i'm gonna go for now and maybe i'll update tomorrow... brandon's trying to get on thirds at waffle so i really won't be able to go in there hardly ever, but oh well... we'll see....
It's about life and how it sucks... Always... It's like I'm stuck in this crazy swirling vortex of crap, that I somehow manage to get my own self into... God knows how really... I mean I could probably figure it out, but that's a lot more thought, time and digging than I have the energy for now. At this point I don't know if I'll ever have the energy for it... I think I pissed Kate off tonight... I didn't mean to... I wasn't trying to... It's just that everybody sees things differently and handles them differently... And maybe I do care about people too much, or maybe it's just that I care about some people too much because there isn't anyone else to care about them, or because I don't have that many people to care about... I mean I care about a shit-ton of people, but for some reason most of them aren't ever around... Maybe because of the ones I care about too much or maybe because they didn't like how much I cared about them... Everything is starting to look like a swirling votex of crap right now... I could probably interject a really cool quote right here, but again with the having to use the brain and the lack of energy needed to do it... Blah... I just want everything to be normal, but it's been so long that I'm not sure I even know what normal is anymore... Maybe nothing was ever normal... Maybe... That's a word I use too much... And considering how damn much I hate that word I think I use it entirely too much... Okay, this is making my head hurt so I'm gonna go... Besides, it's not like anybody can help... And even if they could it's not like anybody reads this damn thing anymore... Maybe I should just give up like everybody else does...