I'm numb... It hurts so much, but I'm numb. I really can't feel anything... It's like I died... I don't know what to do... I was just trying to understand... I guess in my own stupid way I was trying to prove a point or prove something and now I have... I have proven that whatever I did was wrong, and bad enough to get a "kiss my ass...fuck you... don't talk to me." so i'm numb... i'm hurt... i'm dead... the scary part is i don't ever remember being this hurt in all my life... i know that i have plenty left but i feel like i have nothing. i feel empty... i feel like there is nothing that matters at this moment in time... there was no way to win... i know that... maybe i just gave up the out that was being sought... that's why i hate it when people are always leaving outs... it makes me think they're always looking for one... maybe it'll all blow over and just go away but i really don't think so... i think i fucked up, and it sucks... i lost... and i lost a lot... i hate that my writing is prophetic... i wrote this a month ago:
Why did you stop paying attention to me
What do I have inside that you don't want to see
Is there something I did that wasn't enough
Or something I didn't that was maybe too much
Did the newness wear off, the fun gone from your toy?
I never should have put so much faith in a boy
There's nothing I've given that you wouldn't take
Including my heart for you to hold onto and break
Why did you say it if it wasn't true
Now what the hell am I supposed to do
Quietly disappear without my goodbyes
With only the memory of your beautiful lies
If you meant to or not, you broke me the same
Now I'm stuck here, trapped with my pain
I don't want to run, or leave you behind
But I hate feeling like I've lost my mind
I gave everything else over to you
So why not my heart, soul and mind too
I can't escape, there's no way out
But I can't stay here and be full of doubt
That you don't really care or your words were untrue
So, why don't you just give me a clue
A sign or a word or a lie said with conviction
Anything to keep me from hoping and wishing
Pouring out my pitiful heart
Like I've been doing, right from the start
I have nothing left to balance on
At some point I became simply your pawn
Maybe I was, straight off the line
I don't know why I ever thought you'd be mine
I guess dreams really don't come true
And I just wasn't meant for you...
I'm about fucking sick of people and their attitudes. I'm sick of getting my balls busted because people are fucking paranoid and don't see things the way they really are. I'm sick of dealing with the fact that the harder I try to make things better, the worse they get. I'm just fucking sick. Note: If you have an attitude, if you are a smartass, if you plan on busting my balls for no reason... Save it! I refuse to star in your bull-shit psycho-drama anymore...
Okay, I really don't know if I'm going to make it but I have to keep telling myself I will... I (thought I) smoked my last cigarette and 3am, but I was wrong... Due to having a soft pack my dad found one of my random cigarettes and left it laying downstairs, so I really finished my last cigarette at 3:50pm, but hey I went 12 hours without one... Blah... I just decided I was going to quit, and now, even if I don't want to I have to because nobody thinks that I can or will... I will prove you wrong bitches! It will happen! Momma is supposed to quit with me... I don't know though... I just laid them down... Didn't buy anymore... Hopefully I won't buy any more... Words of encouragment? Helpful hints here? C'mon I need some help here....