I need a moment to breathe. To realize what's going on and take it all in. To figure out what to do and where to go from here. To figure out what I can control and to realize what I can't and manage to let go... I need to know where I am and where I belong... So many questions keep swirling through my mind, and I know they all have answers, but I can't seem to find them. And what's worse is that I don't really know where to begin to look... I have done so much for everyone and I can't do anything for myself... Partly I think because I don't know what I want to do and those things that I do know, oddly enough depend on outside forces... There are so many things attacking me right now... So many emotions... That normally wouldn't be considered an attack but are right now simply overwhelming and I don't know where to go with them... I don't know what is right or wrong or why all these things are coming at me, especially now... But for the most part if I think about it long enough there is a logical progression between everything that has happened and why everything is coming at me. It's just so much... I'm not crumbling... I'm far from crumbling because dammit I've crumbled enough lately. But something is going to happen and I don't know what... Something major... Good or bad I can't tell, but it's brewing... Below the surface it is working to come and complicate my life even more... I just wish I knew what it was...Or even when to expect it...
i have been greatly shamed by a couple people for not having updated, so i decided i should probably update... it's been a while, and i did truly want to i just really haven't even had the time to freakin breathe. kate and dustin broke up on the 11th so you can only imagine what that's been like... after the first few days it wasn't bad with the crying and everything... but everything that she transferred to dustin has now been transferred to others and it's like, she can't be alone... i was home i think two nights last week... ya that was fun... i missed my bed and my shower and my home, but the things we do for our friends right... i haven't been to waffle house in god only frickin knows how long... and i've been trying to balance school and friends and stric and just blah... so much to do and not enough time to do it... and stric... whooo... let me just tell ya... i thought he was gonna lose a limb or two last night but now i don't even know... dustin told me that right after we got together stric told him that he was only dating me to get closer to kate because he wants to date kate... dustin told kate this too... kate told stric and he told her it was shit, he told me it was shit and there are a couple other people also saying it is shit and i just don't know... it's like he is so brutally honest that i know he wouldn't lie about it but on the other hand i can't figure out why dustin would say that... it just doesn't make any sense... and dustin was supposed to call me tonight to hang out and i haven't heard from him... and there's about 14 different kinds of weirdness and he for real wants me to break up with stric and i don't freakin get it... blah!!! and i have a paper due in english on friday, a history test and a sociology test and just arg... i have so much crap to do... that little less than a week in florida i don't think can come fast enough... it's a little less than a month away but i need it to be now... i'm just getting to one of those places where it's like i'm suspect of everyone and i don't know why... even people i don't have reason to be... just one of those places... i don't like these places... at all... they are not fun and have a tendency to make me a little less than pleasent to deal with so sorry in advance.... ok, i'm done ranting for now... i'm sure in a little while i'll try to go to bed, won't be able to sleep, will end up at waffle house and return with another rant... but eh... and there are things i have left out, like the date and the montgomery gentry concert, but my brain and my eyes hurt so for now i am done...
There's deception deep in you
You deny it but I know it's true
There's so much hidden behind your eyes
And sadly I can't pinpoint your lies
You're frustrating and confusing
They think I'm winning but I know I'm losing
Still though I'm not disappointed
Maybe cause I'm too disjointed
Nothing is easy or flows so smoothly
Understanding and comfort become my plea
That's something I don't think I'll get from you
No matter how badly I want to
So go on with your childish games
I'll believe your bullshit claims
I was dumb enough to fall for you
Something I knew I shouldn't do
But I did and now I'm stuck
My heart became a sitting duck
So I'll hang around and wait for the end
When you break my heart and say I'm just a friend.
I lack the energy or interesting events that might have transpired to update, but I feel the need to update anyway, so I offer something different... Two somethings actually... One I found that I wrote a while ago, and one I wrote the other day, the order doesn't really matter...enjoy.
"Wishes"
My hands tremble and my whole body shakes
More than that, my mind aches
Trying to find answers, reasons or rhymes
My mind wraps around you to pass the time
I spend so much time trying to figure you out
I have more questions than answers and I'm full of doubt
What exactly do I mean to you
I really have no idea what to do
I think I'm falling for you and I think it's all wrong
I know how it'll feel in the end and I'm not that strong
I'll force it all down and hide what I know
Just wait for the day you decide to go
I promise I'll try not to worry so much
I'll just be happy and content with your touch
I'll be okay to wake up in your arms
It's there I'm convinced I'll meet no harm
Don't lie to me, don't prove me wrong
I want to be with you from dusk til dawn.
~Leah (that one is all kinds of fun to interpret)
Silent confessions expressed in your eyes
Unanswered questions directed to the skies
A place no one has been before
That there's no logical reason for
Thoughts stay unspoken
So hearts can't be broken
Things stay simple and things stay light
Examined by each, alone at night
Nobody knows or explains very well
Nobody knows just when they fell
Hearts and minds both open wide
Still all the truths get pushed aside
Lacking the courage for any admissions
Alone in the dark hoping and wishing
For a mind to be read, a deep thought to be known
Perhaps for the courage to answer the phone
Things stay hidden deep inside
Somewhere dark where rules don't apply
Things are easier that you don't have to face
Push them back down to that deep dark place
One day it will surface, it will all be seen
You'll wake up and know if it was simply a dream.
~Leah
Anybody got a suggestion for a title for that one? I never was good at coming up with titles...Oy... okay, in the spirit of things I leave you with my current favourite quote,
"If I was stronger I could be a mountain range. If night was longer could I escape the day?"
Well I will be taking tomorrow to breathe and do nothing... It seems like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for a while now... I can't remember the last time I updated but I know it couldn't have been that long ago... Things have been weird, but in a good way I guess, more just different and kinda peaceful than weird... Except Sunday... We do this family reunion type thing for my mom's family every year... It started as a party for my grandmother the year before she died and labor day was a good time since her birthday was september 5. So Sunday we had 43 of my mom's wonderful yet CRAZY and redneck family here... I love them all but there are some I just flat out don't get along with very well.. Especially the snotty little bitches who come to MY HOUSE and then are rude as hell to me all day and URRR! you really don't want me to go there... School is in full swing, yee haw or something... i went and stayed at stric's house last night... except BOTH my parents knew i was there and were ok with it, which was just REALLY creepy, but cool, and i didn't even get bitched at when we rolled up from chatsworth today and stric was driving my car... if you knew my parents, you would understand the significance here... if i make a joke about someone else driving my car immortal hell breaks loose. but i decided it was better to not question... i talked to stric's mom on the phone last night which was weird, cause he was talkin to her and was all like hey since you won't get to see leah tomorrow you wanna talk to her, and she did... very odd, but not quite as odd as when i got off the phone she said "ok, well have fun, we love you guys, bye" it was weird, but she was drunk... i don't even question these things anymore... i discovered last night that arbor mist blackberry wine is REALLY FREAKIN GOOD... shocking i know. you aren't as surprised as me though, believe me... what else happened... i bought a book of poetry by Poe, so that's cool, but really hard to say, it just sounds off, i dunno... went to kate's to hang out with them for a while, garrett finally showed up after being missing in action for pretty much the whole day, but we knew he didn't feel good, so it's cool... hmmm...what else... sat at waffle house for like 2 hours... haven't done that in a while... it felt good... i had a very peaceful drive home full of strange realizations... i love nightime this time of year, it's just... nice... i dunno... also last night i saw mars... people have been talking about it forever and i saw it, which is damn cool, to me at least, considering it won't be that visible for like 600 years or some shit...i dunno... i like looking at the stars... i always have and i think i had forgotten that for a while... it's amazing too, how you can look at the stars no matter where you are, but depending on where you are, you look at them differently...