"After all what do I understand of women and love?"
"you are the only one with whom I've had some sort of kind moments; in other wise I'm a wicked man."
~~Dostoyevsky
Today: I'm going to get a haircut, for I have a interview with Banana Republic in order to secure some employment over the Christmas break. I really dislike having to pay $10 for a haircut, especially when I have such simple haircut needs (trim here, cut there.. wawlah!). Ohwell, some things are required to come across as "professional" in this Los Angeles City. Working retail over the break; it almost seems to be a complete contradiction to my principles. With all the materialism and superficiality that surrounds the "fashion" world (highlighted in West L.A.), contrasted with my desire to maintain a focus on Christ and his birth...I'm going to be schizophrenic.
Whatismore is that I realize I have a weakness for nice clothes. If I am hired at Banana, dress well: I will. I have already been hired at Guess?, and The Gap clothing on the 3rd Street Promenade, but I would really prefer to work for Banana. Indeed, these concerns are petty and ultimately of no importance (this is only seasonal employment afterall) but I do pray that I am able to work for Banana (is there sin in preferring one location over another?). Regardless of where I end up as employee my prayer is that I will be one who represents Christianity out of humility and gratitude. This will indeed be an interesting time on any account due to the general "consumeristic/buy buy buy/sell sell sell" mentality that seems to pervade the entire shopping district there at the Promenade.
My days are going to become busier exponentially over the next two weeks due to my upcoming finals, papers, presentations, trainings, study groups, rehearsals, etc. Give me discipline oh Lord, show me what is right and may I follow that direction.
Dostoyevsky speaking about the Holy Spirit: "It descends...only when it depends."
Everything's over the top...
"We are going to have to realize that America is a mission field, not a battlefield. We are not going to take America back-- America is lost!"
These sober words were written by Michael Horton in his book Beyond Culture Wars, and I can't help but think of them after the post I just wrote on the Sore League. It's a tough thing: wanting to change the world (good intentions) but realizing #1 that many men in the history of the church have set out with "good intentions" only to wreak havoc on Christendom and the world at large; e.g., John Wesley, and Karl Marx, #2 God might not have reformation planned anytime soon, and my measly efforts are not going to over throw that decree.
Certainly, I am to act as if God has decreed to bring reformation about this year, it's just hard to know what to do exactly. I mean what can a 25 year old college student do beyond maintaining a webpage geared to "argue in the marketplace," present Christianity in my words and actions, and go to church on sunday? I know, I know, there are myriads of things I could be doing: writing to newspapers: getting my voice out there; writing to senators, and congressmen, calling radio talk shows, starting clubs, writing newsletters, et cetera, et cetera...but which, but what?
These are tough things: especially when I have loads of Spanish homework, Philosophical reading, rehearsal, and job interviews to deal with.
Another grave danger is feeling as if I am already doing enough. I could easily say to myself, "hey, I debate people all the time; I have a website, I'm informed, I speak up in class....what more could God expect of me?" (of course this was purely hypothetical: I've never ever actually thought this) "yeah sure J. who ya foolin'?"
I guess "overwhelmed" is a good word to use sometimes.
I'm reminded of how treacherously steep our own sinfullness, Satan's activities, and the world are as hurdles to doing God's will. It is so easy to get caught up in the difficulties of life: bills, work, school, disease, family problems, lost love, and it's even easier to allow these "facts of life" to keep us away from doing the simple things of God: reading scripture, praying, fellowshipping with others, and being a light on a hill. These things, these trials are a result of our own wanton concupisance, Satan's ploys, and a world that does not fear God. These are the things with which we must contend if we are to be "salt and light."
Godspeed.
Saturday day:
Michael came up to westwood. We went to eat Mr. Noodle (great thai food) after viewing the "movie" michael worked so hard on the night before on the Campus computers. Being inspired toward musical success we tried to book a show for LAD at the Brew Co. but the person in charge of booking was not there. So Michael and I headed to Hollywood for some clothes browsing (rock and roll clothes are darned expensive!) and good conversation. I do not spend many days with such ease. I was truly pleased when Michael and I happened to enter a discussion of religion and salvation: michael and I do not often speak of such things together. I was excited to see Michael's interest in the subject and his appearent realization that he ought to be going to church. I offered for him to come visit CRC and he accepted the invitation. It is my hope that Michael and I can continue the dialogue started that Saturday evening.
Saturday night:
Marco, Wayne, and I met at Claim Jumper, indeed the very place of employment that saw our initial meeting as friends, and from there went down to Irvine to eat dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Each of us seemed fully satisfied with his meal: Marco's Thai lettuce wraps, wayne's salmon, and my own cajun pasta! The appetizers were tasty and the dessert was simply divine (did I forget to mention the apple martini's?). We must have spend almost three hours at dinner.
Sunday morning:
It just so happened that on the same day that Michael decides to come to church, Melissa also was planned to come. So the mini church-party departed from Jeremy's parent's house at around 10 a.m. sunday morning.
I had somewhat expected both Mike and Melissa to be somewhat "surprised" by the formal litergy followed at CRC, so I gave them a small introduction as to why the church functions in that way. I was pleasantly made aware after the service that both M's were actually quite accustomed to the form of worship and indeed some of my pre-warning was unneeded. Both expressed a modicum of appreciation for the sermon, and they seemed to recount the morning as a positive experience. It is my hope and prayer that both will continue to regularly attend church (even if that church be not CRC, but it would be great if they wanted to continue at CRC too!)
This is a continuation of sorts from my previous post.
"His mind was also as if fragmented and disconnected, while at the same time he felt afraid to connect the fragments together and draw the general conclusion from all the tormenting opposites he had experienced...It was almost something bordering on despair, an emotion previously foreign to Alyosha's heart."
The quote is taken from Dostoyevsky's Brother's Karamazov: probably one of the top five greatest works of fiction ever written (what the other four are I am unaware). The reader is treated to host of realities/truths/principles formulated in a way so profound, yet uncompromisingly accessable. Indeed, I have found much of my life even within the first two-hundred pages-- what an interesting analogy life is to life, yes? The "karamazov story is a beautifully tragic story of three brothers...Mitya (jeremy stock), Ivan (marco polo), and Alyosha (wayne olson)...or so it seems. Certainly there are ways to characterize the Karamazov brothers in a different fashion; Mitya being Marco, and I Alyosha, for example, but this does not do damage to the analogy as a whole-- indeed, it only strengthens it! (it is important to point out, especially to those who have read the masterpiece, that obviously I do not want the reader to take my analogy too literally; there are many things done in the book by the characters that I do not intend to liken to myself or my cohorts. I know this should seem to go without saying, but I felt it important because there are other aspects to the characters that I find all too exact and applicable to our lives-- at least in mine). The brothers dynamic, educated, passionate, sincere, and hopeful while also brazen, sinful, cunning, and despairing. A world of opposites? Yes. True to life? Yes. (there is more to come on this point)
Last night (Saturday) I had the blessed opportunity to spend an evening with my seemingly long-lost friends Marco Polo and Wayne Ohhh. This all came about thanks to the extended weekend of Thanksgiving, and it is to God that I now give thanks to for the time off of school and more importantly the time I was able to spend in the company of my best friends. I really do consider marco and wayne my best friends (even if they wouldn't go so far), and though this might seem strange when one looks at the facts of our relationship: we see each other maybe once every couple months, we talk on the phone maybe monthly, and we write emails occasionally, but this "behavioral distance" seems to not matter at all. I told the boys during our time together that even though I hadn't spent time with them for so long, our conversation and "connection" was so strong (so immediate) that it felt as if I had just seen them the week before. Indeed this is a splendid blessing far too profound for me to comment on in full here, but suffice it to say that our "friendship" is such because of the grace and mercy of God: He has literally brought us together as brothers in Christ. Not only do we share the most mundane aspects of life that commonly bring men together (girl trouble, money woes, work gripes, male posturing in academia, etc etc), but we share, praise be to God for allowing me to partake in this great triad, a furvent love for discussing the wonders of Biblical application by way of soteriology, epistemology, ontology, metaphysics, ethics, theology, and so forth. I am not exagerating to relay the fact that from the first two minutes of our night together (around 7:00) we began "talking" and we did not stop until it was too late and too cold (and I was getting tired). With no other of my friends am I able to spend such profitable and intriquing time while also laughing and truly enjoying myself.
I must say that it really makes me wish I was still located in O.C. for then it seems our contact would not be so strained (it would still be somewhat strained due to our three VERY busy schedules).
My name of choice on my site is "sorrowful." One reading this might think with all the great things that I am blessed with, including such brotherly friends, why would I be sorrowful? Well, the answer is all too easy to answer. In a crowd, I'm all alone...Wayne said it something like this: even when surrounded by people, he has no one to talk to. I know Marco would accord to the same feeling. This, interestingly enough, seems to be a facet to our "bond." What a sober bond it is, no? But it is fact. I have found that in my experience (even after attending the same church for years for instance) that I have really no one "to talk to" beyond the occasional "debate question" or the friendly "how is it going?" line (this is not to say that I don't like or get along with the members of the church: I happen to really respect and "like" most of the people I know at church) it's just that I don't have that "direct interest" with any of them that I so easily have with W.O. and M.P. When Wayne said those words Saturday night "...with no one to talk to" it was as if he summed our whole existence as we stood there in the frosty Claim Jumper parking lot. All three of us frantically shaking our heads in agreement trying to think of the words of accord to explain how true and inline we al felt in that regard.
So what am I trying to say? Many things as usual, and I end up saying either a whole lot of nothing, or very little of a bunch of things, but to try to put a point to it I would say this: I am indeed honored to call Wayne and Marco friends, and that I am sorely aware of the "suffering" that, in part, is the tie that binds us together. I want to say to Wayne and Marco that they're not alone; I too suffer in small talk; I too spend (maybe too much time/but altogether and at the same time not enough time) working towards REFORMATION (in the broad sense of the word) on account of God's Kingdom. I too struggle with the fears of academic rigor on account my credibility to the secular world. I too alienate myself in most situations by stating in no-uncertain-terms my Christian worldview. I too am able to talk hour after hour on these subjects that to most ears deserve maybe a thought while reading the sunday paper then to forget it: I don't want to forget it.
Okay, so what am I really trying to say? (I'm writing at a time when I ought to be sleeping, and it seems my mind is halfway there). I am saying that it is my hope and desire to fulfill my role as friend to these two fine gentlemen. I hope that my struggle can be used, by God's will, to strength them, to edify them, to encourage them, and to reprove them. I hope that they can do the same for me. As Paul had Timothy, so I hope to be there for W and M. My prayer is that God will continue to conform not only us three as individuals but also conform us together as a Christian friends tied by the Gospel...
Yes, loneliness is always around the corner, yes sorrowful often fits me, but God is a God of grace and mercy and He sees to it that we are able to endure ALL trials placed upon us...let us, the three hombres, be a source to one another for God to show His loving kindness...let this be just the beginning.
I have much to say but my eyes and mind are woefully sore due to the hour (and the knowledge of my early day soon coming)...please stay tuned for continuation. For a much more articulate, and thoughtful version tap into this mind.
Today at church my pastor spoke on Job and suffering. Need I listen any closer during the sermon or is there something meant there for me?
The congregation was left with the comforting words that through all suffering we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus who loved us. I do believe this truth, it's just that often at the time of suffering it is most difficult to feel like a conqueror: I feel more like the conquered.
"God moves in a mysterious way; his wonders to perform...
Deep in unfathomable mines of never failing skill
he treasures up his bright designs,
and works his sovereign will.
His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower."
~~William Cowper, 1774.
"Some also have wished that the next way to their Father's house were here that they might be troubled no more with either hills or mountains to go over; but the way is the way, and there's an end."
It is of course interesting to point out that in the actual quote Bunyan capitalizes both the "H" and "M" of "Hills" and "Mountains." Are we to believe this was a grammatical error? Or is it much more likely that he spoke of true mountains and true hills such that as problems arise in our lives they are not easily overcome and therefore deserve such emphasis? Are not the mountains of life sometimes treacherous and enough to bring tears? I have cried when faced with mountains before.
"but the way is the way" we do make choices in this life, and I am not one to stand in opposition to one's chosen path unless I see that path as unbiblical or otherwise perilous. Some path's peril may be obvious to me emotionally, and I am want to step in and change the decision to go that route, but sometimes I am able to see that even my attempt to stop a decision will bring further emotional peril. So I do not stand in the way of the path, peril come or not. Indeed, the way is the way and I have yet to find my own, so how can I ask someone to follow me? I cannot.
"but there is an end" yes there is. Though unforseen yet, I believe that there is an end, and God has promised it will be for the good, peril come or not. "Even for their own sakes the loves must submit to be second things if they are to remain the things they want to be...in this yoke lies their true freedom; they "are taller when they bow."
So I bow
Thanks a million to Wayne Olson who was extremely helpful to me in getting this page closer and closer to a "quality" blog page. He fiddled around with the HTML code for me; basically "he hooked me up!"
But don't worry; I'm not stopping here! I will continue to fine tune and hone this page. Improvements are still going to continue to take place as I continue to learn more and more about this stuff.
I'll use this time to give a quick advertisement for Wayne's page; he is a gifted writer with a keen intellect. Best of all Wayne's love of God's word, and dedication to study enable him to bring a reflection page that is both enlightening and provocative.
Thanks again Wayne Ohhh.
I can't believe I finally figured out this "table" business!! I am slowly but surely getting a grip on this HTML stuff, and blogger too. Soon, I'll be able to do this more often and quicker.
Again this is just a test.
Is this going to work now? After I wrote an entire journal entry, only to have it all obliterated into nothing after pushing the "publish" button...here goes
"I intended simply to take my revenge for being such a fine fellow, and her not noticing it."
"The tempest raged, the pestilence struck, I succumbed to the taint, which I bear to this day, and knew it was all finished, that never would there be anything else. The cycle of the seasons was complete. That was the essence of my life."
~~Dostoyevsky
The confession of an ardent heart. 'heels last'
I've been away for a while. You've noticed? Well, I haven't actually gone anywhere, in fact, that seems to be part of the problem (at this point I would be happy to see any form of progress, no matter how small). I've been mentally vacant lately; I've been unable to find inspiration in anything but reading Brothers Karamozav, and rehearsing with the band. I haven't been doing my spanish homework, and I have been neglecting my Linguistics reading. Lord knows sorry states are my home; I spend each day moving to and fro-- from one form of degeneracy to another-- without ever getting anywhere. So what is the source of the problem? I'm not going to answer that online. Some things need to find their way...on their own.
But, enough of that (much of that is just drama for the sake of my entertainment) Most people wouldn't know it, but I'm a very gifted story teller; I'm a magician in my mind. From my youth I've been known to play unaccompanied hour after hour...my mind makes movies (and I get to star in them).Some things are sicker than others. Don't let this trouble you.
Other things are going well. I'm going to be giving some inspirational speeches at Heidi's high school in the month of December: she told her teacher about my work with inner-city high school kids, and the teacher invited me to come speak with her class. I hope to be a voice that brings clarity and hope with regards to attending college to those students.
The band sounds great and we're going to the studio december 10th. I can't wait to hear the final product. My prayer is that God blesses our hard work, and that our talent and ability comes through on disc.
My family seems to be healthy and happy. I've been talking more with my sister, and I've even made a connection with her boyfriend... These things are a blessing not to be underestimated.
I guess my question is (it may be more of a comment) why does there have to be regression? Good times are nothing without bad times...yet the bad times...well their bad. I'm reminded of Tori's words: "why can't it be beautiful; why does there have to be a sacrifice?" Or perhaps even more precise is Morrissey's lament: "I've seen this happen in other people's lives, and now it's happening in mine..."
A thought just occured to me. What if I'm simply living out the story I find myself so entrenched in? What if I'm allowing my already strong relation with the story of the Karamozav's to become my life? I could very easily begin a psychological exploit merely to fancy my heart. The thespian in my soul could be so eager and primed (from lack of exposure) that it has, in a sense, taken over my psyche and began to influence my behavior. Almost as if subconsciously I ask, "what would Alyosha do just now; how would Ivan answer this question?" Better yet, I may be pretending that I am Dostoyevsky in the year 2000, and that I must fufill that mental anguish to justify my instinct.
Fine. You don't understand my elementary words; my sorry attempt at explanation? Listen to the Russian himself, for he speaks my heart better than I do:
"His mind was also as if fragmented and disconnected, while at the same time he felt afraid to connect the fragments together and draw the general conclusion from all the tormenting opposites he had experienced...It was almost something bordering on despair, an emotion previously foreign to Alyosha's heart."
You may have guessed that I'm on the verge of something magnificent: you may be right.
sorrowful
I just turned in what is quite possibly the worst philosophy midterm paper I have yet to write. Lord help me to never do such again. I feel lousy...yet still happy to have the chore behind me. Isn't that degrading? I don't feel very inspirational today.
I'll write more later.
Sunday was a nice day. After church, my parents and I caught the last 15 minutes of the Detroit Lions' game, and guess what, they won! After, that all too rare occurance we went to celebrate at Claim Jumper. I was treated to a very fine BBQ chicken sandwhich accompanied by a vegetable kabob. The food was terrific and the conversation quite enjoyable. After lunch we went by my sister's job to see how she was, and we had a pretty good time cracking jokes at all the "unique" household items available for sale: everything from little plastic thingamathings that hold down your sheets to fruit hammocks.
Rehearsal went extremely well. The band is working on three new songs that, in my book, rival the top ten LAD has to offer.
I was home rather late and found my eyes too tired to finish homework, so I slept like a baby until morning.
Why did I have to wake up?
i'm currently listening to a high school youth "freestyle" to a hip hop beat. I'm volunteering at the Law school's "rights now" conferrence. There are about 700 high school students from all over the L.A. area mostly from the "low end" of the economic ladder. I've been assigned to "sound man" duties which means I get to listen to all the wonderful hip hop music and rantings of the "rap" band scheduled to come up next, along with the DJ's spinning skills (radiohead anyone? who?). I shouldn't be so sour about it, actually the music is good to dance to and I've enjoyed seeing the kids come out of their shells as the morning progressed. It is a funny thing: music and high school. For all the "toughness" of these schools reputations, for instance Garfield high school is represented here: the school jaime escalante became famous at, these kids just act like all the kids I used to go to school with. I even noticed certain students in the crowd who I could say "that was me; I was just like him."
I have to get my head around this linguistics paper that is due this coming friday. for some reason I've not been successful within the past five weeks to get a handle on subject matter. Some of it has to do with my lack of real interest in the topic: this course is about as detatched from real life as any philosophy course available. And I must admit that i have not put in the time requisite to understand the material: quite frankly I've gone to class taken mediocre notes and that's abou it. I've got to get a grip otherwise...
I've been teaching myself
jds
Imagine this:
a bartender speaking this: "I used to be a contender..."
But, just as he is about to say "...contender"
A man at the bar says: "Bartender! get me a drink." So that "bartender" is heard over "contender."
All present believe the bartender said "I used to be a...bartender"
Two things. One: maybe in order to be a contender once again he should leave his bartending job. this would make the statement "used to be a bartender" true and it would falsify "I used to be a contender; because he would once again be a contender.
two: if the bartender remains a bartender and still believes "I used to be a contender" then he will never say the words "I used to be a bartender."
There is a moral to this story.
sorrowful
Concerning the election consider Thomas Jefferson's words spoken at his first inaugural address:
"And may that Infinite Power which rules the destinies of the universe lead our councils to what is best, and give them a favorable issue for [our nation's] peace and prosperity."
That is my prayer.
sofl
Home
Election night,
As I sit here listening with undulating concern for the outcome of the Presidential election I began to question my feelings that were, at moments, identifiably worried. I decided to take refuge in God's word; it just so happened that the next chapter in my trek though the entire Bible was II Samuel 22. This chapter is a praise written by King David telling of his gratitude to God for delivering victory in a major military action. Here is a sample:
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge...I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; and I am saved from my enemies."
The passage goes on at length; David continuing the same vein that God is his rescue and salvation. Then the passage takes a very interesting turn; David begins to explain why God chose to save him from the hands of his enemies:
"...He rescued me, because He delighted in me. The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me. 'For I have kept the ways of the Lord and have not acted wickedly against my God. For all His ordinances were before me; and as for His statutes, I did not depart from them. I was also blameless toward Him, and I kept myself from my iniquity. Therefore the Lord has recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness before His eyes."
At first this passage startled me; even more than the bitter close election poles, I was not sure how to interpret David's words. It seems to me this passage is profound, and my comments are hardly enough to even touch the surface of the import within chapter 22, but here are my thoughts anyway. On the surface reading it quite clearly tells of the importance of following God's law. On a slightly closer reading one is struck by the reality of David's situation. Here is a man who prior to writing this passage had committed adultery with a married woman, and had her husband murdered. This fact cannot be overlooked, when reading David's words "I was also blameless towards him" for David certainly was not "blameless." So was David lying or mistaken? Certainly not, indeed is it not a fact that David as having faith in God was seen as blameless on account of the future work of Christ? Though he did not know of Christ, David trusted God and this faith, just as Abraham before him, was credited to him as righteousness.
But there is something more. It seems that a plain reading of the passage does lend itself to say that David's "good works" were a factor in God's delivering him. Just as one reads in the New Testament "blessed are the meek...blessed are the poor in spirit..." Indeed we as God's children are chosen for good works, and God does pleasure in blessing us even for those works that He planned in advance for us to do "for we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2). What an amazing and gracious God we have! He not only saves us of out mere mercy, but he gives us blessings on account of the very "good works" that He prepared for us to do.
So what is the import? We need to strive every day, and every hour to do the will of God. Yes, those of us who are Christians are already saved (justified before God: seen as if we were morally perfect), but that should never allow us to get comfortable in regards to our thoughts and actions in this life. We need to strive diligently to do those things God would have us do: "...And do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness...but present yourselves to God as instruments of righteousness."
David saw that he was blessed from doing what God desired, how much more will we be blessed for doing God's will out of gratitude for our salvation?
"Go and sin no more."
Suddenly the election doesn't seem as worrisome. But yet there is still a tie to the election; for just as David was blessed in his military endeavors on account of his faithfulness, so it reflects on our nation who is placed in power at the political level. A nation who follows God's law will be blessed, and those that do not will be destroyed (psalm 2). Christians need to take politics seriously because nations do reflect the values of its citizens. Issues like abortion, homosexuality, and homelessness are certainly grating God's patience. How long do we expect Him to hold back His wrath?
So I challenge all Christains to take a stand for God's law not only in everyday life, but also in the voting booth and beyond. For God is the God of faithfulness, and He will bless our faithfulness personally, through our family, and through our nation.
troubled, yet troubled no more,
sorrowful
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Email: stock_jeremy@hotmail.com
Is this really happening?
This can't be happening...cuz I'm not here. This isn't happening.