RIGHT TO THE CHIN

Softball Season!

As if the Red Sox' winning ways aren't enough cause for excitement, softball season is underway!

We had a scrimmage game Tuesday night, and, aside from the post-game soreness (and my devilish dental issues which almost caused me to forget the scrimmage), it was great to be back in action. Before I moved to Tennessee in 1993, I played high school baseball and lots of slow pitch softball. But, since moving here, I've only played for a year or two at a time. I hope my current playing stint lasts indefintely.

So, in the scrimmage game, I wasn't as rusty as I thought I'd be. I played third and second (we sub two players each inning, and everybody plays a couple of positions during the course of the game) and was error-free. A line drive did tip off my glove when I tried to jump for it (it was a hit) and I almost snagged a foul ball backhanded down the third base line (ran out of room), but my throwing was decent, and our team is pretty solid.

At the plate, I hit the ball hard each time up but went just 1 for 4 with and rbi and a run scored. The trouble was that I kept hitting the ball straight at people, including the final out of the game: a deep fly ball to left, 20 feet from the wall.

All in all, I'm psyched to be playing again.

Dental Extortion

Today, I went to the dentist (10:00 appointment, walked out of the office at 12:15). I had a filling fall out a few days ago, and the tooth has (obviously) been bothering me. In the midst of a "full oral exam," the dentist and dental assistant made notes about my "oral situation" and after they had both left the room, the assistant came back with an itemized 6-month "plan of action" totalling almost $8,000. Most of the cost was in the form of 6 "elective" crowns, which I could "elect" to have installed(?) should I need them. (I don't need them.) The rest was for cleaning (3 stages of cleaning) and a root canal.

All I need is the root canal for said hurty tooth and MAYBE a crown for that same tooth if I so "elect."

Anybody know of an affordable, fair, and/or nice dentist who could hook me up?

Going to a dental "franchise" is bad. Oh yeah, my tooth still hurts.

Help! Code Request for Recent Comments

Could somebody PLEASE send me the code for "Recent Comments." I was trying to move it, and I accidently deleted it...

Thanks!

Yay, Me!

I sold the car (finally) today for $300 less than I wanted to sell it, but still a fair deal. I like selling things.

Pulse get-together at Tortilla Factory...Editorial/advertising staff got together for some swell food and neato conversation.

Red Sox beat Yankees 11-2 AT YANKEE STADIUM. I never get tired of the Red Sox beating the Yankees...

Got a copy of the newest Infradig CD in the mail today. Outstanding, reviewed it for next week's issue. Will post review here, too.

The Onion: Gone Too Far With This?

This is in the Onion's current issue, and I was wondering if you thought this was over the line. Seriously, Al's parents JUST died and Al seems like a nice guy. I'm not saying I didn't laugh, however...

Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody
FALLBROOK, CA—Zany, mourning entertainer "Weird Al" Yankovic has parodied Eric Clapton's eulogy song "Tears In Heaven" in loving tribute to his parents, who recently died of carbon-monoxide poisoning in their San Diego home, a spokesman for Yankovic said Monday. "Al's hurting deeply right now, and this is his way of honoring Nick and Mary," Karl Tuft said of the song in which a subdued Yankovic sings, "First you lit some flames / Then the smoke stopped your breathin' / Carbon mono's th'way you went... / Up to heaven" over a somber, minor-key accordion melody. Tuft added that the best way for Yankovic to give voice to his pain and loss was by altering the voice of Clapton's pain and loss.

DVD REVIEW: Freaks and Geeks - "The Complete Series"

The Reason DVD’s Were Invented…

Freaks and Geeks
The Complete Series
(Dreamworks/Shout)

Freaks and Geeks lasted for a total of 18 episodes during the 1999-2000 television season. Not many other shows in history have received such overwhelming critical praise out of the box (the show’s pilot episode was nominated for an Emmy for writing after the show was cancelled, as was the last episode, a year and a half after the show left the air), and if NBC had aired the show in a decent and consistent time slot, we might very well still be watching new episodes today. Alas, the network didn’t have enough patience to let the ratings develop, and all we are left with is this 6-DVD collection, which, despite a bittersweet sense of incompleteness, might be the most impressive presentation of a TV show on DVD, period.

Freaks and Geeks followed a lovable bunch of outsiders as they struggled through high school life in Michigan in 1980. And while the show was set in 1980, the situations are ones that anyone who ever went to high school can somehow relate to: getting picked last in gym, mustering up the courage to tell the fat kid that he smelled, discovering that your parent is having an affair, having a friend who was deathly allergic to peanuts, your parents not liking your friends, realizing that you are too old to trick or treat anymore, getting pelted in dodgeball, trying pot for the first time, and, well, putting up with a friend’s annoying ventriloquism.

In addition to all 18 extraordinary, hour-long episodes of the show, this collection features an exhaustive amount of extra material. Most episodes have two separate commentaries from the show’s producers, studio executives, cast members, crew and fans. The set also features two hours of new show material including audition footage and deleted scenes from every episode; outtakes, bloopers and alternate takes from every episode; behind-the-scenes footage, and original show promotional footage. The packaging is classy, too, and includes a 28-page accompanying booklet complete with interviews with the show’s creators, Judd Apatow and Paul Feig.

There’s something about this show that makes you want to watch it over and over and over again. And thanks to the petitions of over 30,000 fans, you can.

CD REVIEW: Modest Mouse - "Good News For People Who Love Bad News"

Modest Mouse
Good News For People Who Love Bad News
(Epic)

One minivan commercial and Modest Mouse seems to be slowly moving away from the formula that got them attention in the first place--great guitar playing and distinctive songwriting sprinkled with the singular schizoid singing of Isaac Brock.

While Brock’s guitar playing is all his own on this album, he’s often trying (with mixed results) to be other singers: Tom Waits, Jack White, Jonathan Donahue of Mercury Rev, and Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips--even having the Lips in the studio with him to make sure he’s doing it right. The material sneaks through, though, despite the persistence of pastiche. “The World at Large” is classic Mouse in straight-up indie M.C. style, “Bukowski” is a ripe swipe at writers who take themselves too seriously, “Float On” is mid-80s U2 with Tom Verlaine on lead vocals, and “The View” is a rather catchy number that would not be unwelcome on Talking Heads’ Fear of Music album. A guest spot by the Dirty Dozen Brass Band, however, was not necessary.

A quick question: Who is this person that Isaac keeps yelling at in all these Modest Mouse albums? I thought that the band’s jump to a major label would make them stop hanging out together, but two albums into their Epic contract and they’re still having the same fight. Lucky for him (and us), it’s an interesting fight.

CD REVIEW: All Night Radio - "Spirit Stereo Frequency"

All Night Radio
Spirit Stereo Frequency
(Sub Pop)

For this release, former Beachwood Sparks members Dave Scher and Jimi Hey traveled back in time to 1969 record an album that they knew would be doomed on commercial radio in 2004, but would captivate fans of unique and intelligent music. At least that’s what it sounds like: reverb out the wazoo, smart and hook-laden pop compositions, perfect double-tracked harmonics, and enough studio toys to make the listener hear something new on the 20th…no…200th listen. Many recent “alternative symphony” albums have used samples and machines to cover up flaws in their songwriting. All Night Radio uses the studio to maximize the potential of the brilliantly composed symphonies in their heads. And to think, this was just supposed to be some throwaway side project. Yeah, OK. Whatever. Buy this thing before they go back to making those ho-hum Beachwood albums.

Busy Weekend

Yesterday, we helped out friends Pat and Jenni Miles with their yard sale. They're trying to raise money for their adoption of a child from Haiti. The yard sale went well, as they cleared over $500, and sold three out of the four big furniture pieces they had. The local band, Up With The Joneses, live across the street, and when the sale was over we gave their lead singer, T.J., a tape deck that we failed to sell and a dress that we thought he might want to wear on stage. It was tough to figure out which item excited him more.

I had to duck out for an hour yesterday, though, to help fellow Pulse staffers move into our new digs. It's a cool space, everybody has their own office, and it has an attached conference room. The windows are huge and each office has a ceiling fan. The first official work day there will be Monday.

Sunday school was interesting as husbands and wives were separated for classes on marriage. Melissa and I never had any premarital counseling, and it's interesting to note that we've been married longer than anyone else in the class. I guess we're doing something right. The class is taught by Roger and Joy Martin, Dan (Podge) Lyons' in-laws. Man, it's a small world...

Tonight, I am working on Pulse stuff. I have a few pieces to finish for this week's issue, and am compiling a "Pulse Writer's Guide/Stylebook" to smooth out a few questions and policies that will hopefully help the paper run itself...The Quizno sub store at Hamilton Place (where I ate lunch today) was out of issues, while the 18 day-old issue of the Chattanooga Scene was in great supply.

The Red Sox and Yankees are squaring off at Fenway this weekend, and it was a treat to watch the Sox win on Fox Friday night. The Sox won yesterday, but lost today, and can win the series tomorrow with a win in the Annual Patriot's Day game. Pulse Advertising Director, Mike Fecht, is a Yankee fan, so it should be an, um, interesting year. For one of us...

Saturday Night Live blows, and that "Milkshake' song is retarded.

Selling A Car...

Yes, yes I am.

Here are the specs:
1988 Honda Accord LX
253K miles, but still runs great.
Transmission JUST replaced, only has 40K miles on it.
A/C, AM/FM CD player with detachable face, power windows, power steering, new tires, practically new brakes.
Lots of life left in it.
Asking $1450 or best offer.

The New Shins Album

I have listened to the new Shins album twice now, and I like exactly ONE song...
MANY other bands have done this album, and MANY other bands have doen it better. I'm a bit ticked, too, as this is supposed to be one of THE ALBUMS of the year.

Happy Easter

...Just thought I'd say it...

From the files of Michael O'Donoghue

Michael O'Donoghue was an original writer/performer on "Saturday Night Live," a writer/editor the "National Lampoon" magazine, and was the brains behind the early "National Lampoon Radio Hour." He was also very demented, a bit out of touch, and also very talented. He died in 1994 of a cerebral hemorrhage. He also had an intense disdain for Al Franken, which is another reason I'm drawn to his story and work. Dennis Perrin wrote a great biography on O'Donoghue called "Mr. Mike," which I would recommend to anyone who likes to write, make people laugh, or both -- or who wishes they could do both.

I've decided to post a few examples of quotes/bits of work from O'Donoghue to add some more weirdness to cyberspace:

"Making people laugh is the lowest form of comedy."
"You only live once, and usually not even then."
"I dislike the name SoHo, and I dislike the person who thought up the name, though I don't know him. He must have been very pleased with himself when he thought the name up. The Factory District is south of Houston Street. Get it? I bet he wrote the Village Voice when he thought it up."
"What you really want in life you get stuck with."
"A free press is vital because slaves would be too stupid to write the news."
"The only difference between television and a lava lamp is that television has slightly better audio."

Practical Journalism Tip #4567: "It's OK not to lie."

A situation has arisen lately concerning our newspaper that I'd like to address in the form of a tip:

When a local band plays a show, no matter how technically proficient they are, no matter how slick their CD art is, no matter how much their mama loves them, and no matter the fact that they're local, IT'S OK NOT TO LIE when you think their recent concert (that cost $10 friggin' dollars to attend) was pretentious and dull, and that's what you want to write in your review.

And when a rumor arises that members of said band are so upset by the review that they grab copies of your paper off the rack and throw them in the garbage, IT'S OK NOT TO LIE when you say that they are punks, and should be beaten with a crate of their pretentious and dull CDs.

Print this tip out, and add it to your files...

Barbra Streisand is a Political Genius!

Barbra Streisand's OFFICIAL web site contains 7 menu tabs at the top, 3 of which ("Statements," "Truth Alerts," and "Articles of Interest") are devoted to her political rantings. From what I hear, the Pentagon doesn't make a move without first consulting Barbra's site...Oh, and by the way, don't bother sending any comments to her blog because, like many other sympathetic celebrity idiots, she's turned the comments feature off...If you can't read the dissent, it must not be there, right Barbra???

Anyway, don't you miss the days when performers just...oh...I dunno...shut up and performed?!!? Ever since she did that "Guilty" album with Barry Gibb, she's been a mess...

Oh, and from what I read, Ms. Streisand-Rodham-Clinton doesn't like it when people use pictures of her on their websites. Man...She doesn't like people to use pictures of her, YET, she has an enormous ego...What internal turmoil she must face each day...

(I won't bother linking to her site...it'll only encourage her...)

Photos of Dead Americans in Fallujah

(Click on pics to enlarge)

When I first look at these pics, I can't help but say that my first reaction is, "Fine, you sick bastards! Take Saddam back, live in misery, and enjoy it when he kills and burns you." These charred remains are those of four American citizens working as private security agents. All four men were retired military.

Are we still fighting a war, or are we playing around? As much as I hate to admit it, much of the rationale put forth by Liberal members of the American (and world) community, is beginning to strike a chord with me. If we are fighting a war, then LET'S FIGHT A WAR AND WIN IT. If we're not, then let's get out. Our President, who, in my opinion, still remains the lesser of two evils in the upcoming election, seems to be justifying our involvement in Iraq by using the rationale of the previous actions in Afghanistan -- that the "War on Terror" is a long one, a "new kind" of war, etc.

To me, finding weapons of mass destruction is a moot point. Attacking Iraq and capturing Saddam Hussein was a worthy move no matter when acted upon. But as our forces, our people, and the rest of the world is now seeing, the REAL Iraqi "weapons of mass destruction" are a minute, yet evil, segment of its population. And regarding these people, I ask you: Why should I care if they rot in their own misery?

Look at the kids' smiling faces, and direct your anger towards those who teach them to see such joy in the midst of such abomination.

Wally Witkowski To Run For Local NAACP Chief Position

After years of speculation, talk host and columnist to enter November election

With current Chattanooga-Hamilton County NAACP President Eddie Holmes stepping down after eight years, the organization is looking for his successor. And though the election for a new chief isn’t until November, one name rumored to fill the position is WGOW “Village Idiot” Wallace W. (Wally) Witkowski.

Witkowski, who also writes the “Gravy Stains” column in Enigma, says he “loves his black peoples,” and hopes to get to “show them that love” while in office.

“I know I don’t talk about it much, but one of my foremost goals in life is to help the black community,” says Witkowski. “The way I figure, we’ve got a lot of common. We’ve both faced discrimination, and we’ve both learned to overcome. I’d like to sa-lute all they’ve been able accomplish, and I think I can help them to continue their fine tradition.”

Supporters of Witkowski praise his people skills and leadership abilities, as well as his ability to have business names imprinted on pencils and golf balls through his company, T.B. Enterprises. The NAACP could also benefit from Witkowski’s curbside parking agreements with many local restaurants.

“That could come in handy if they’re having trouble finding a place to park for a banquet or a lunch meeting, or if they’re just too tired to walk too far,” says fellow “Idiot” and Witkowski campaign manager, James Lee (J.R.) Reynolds, III.
If elected, Witkowski will host a gala celebration at the Heartland Grill in Dayton.

A St. Elmo baker has already been hired to make a giant red velvet cake shaped like Wally, and Clarence Carter has been booked to perform.

Atlanta Man Needs Money For 147th Serpentine Belt

An Atlanta man “here for the weekend” who often frequents the Republic Parking lot adjacent to Buehler’s Market on Market street, needs money for what residents say is his 147th serpentine belt.

“They just keep breakin’,” says the man, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I’m here from Atlanta for the weekend, and the mechanic says a new serpentine belt will cost me $17. Can you help me out?”

“It’s a real shame,” says Sandy Williams, a Chattanooga native, who says she’s been helping the man with money for serpentine belts since 1997. “Can you believe the bad luck that some people have? He might want to think about getting another car. He’s always putting money into it just to keep it running. I think the people who sold him that car should be ashamed for ripping him off like that.”

Williams says she’s starting to get concerned about the man’s health.
“I don’t know, but I think his car troubles are really starting to get to him. The last time I saw him, it looked like he hadn’t eaten in a long time. I know how stressful car problems can be. I’ve been there, myself.”

Another area resident, Dave Paul, echoes Williams’ sentiments.

“I hate it for the guy,” he says. “I’ve never actually seen his car, but from what he tells me, it goes through serpentine belts like crazy. I offered him a ride back to his car one time, but he told me he was cool, and that he could just walk back over to it. He said that his car was real close by, a couple of blocks away near the interstate. I hope that, one day, he can finally return to his home in Atlanta.”

Man Sitting In Front of Greyfriar’s Not Actually Reading The Iliad

Twenty year-old Chattanooga resident Chris Lefebvre was recently busted by friends after he was found pretending to read Homer’s The Iliad at a table in front of the popular Broad Street coffeehouse.

“He sat there for an hour and never even turned a page,” says friend Lindsay Tanner. “He just kept staring at the book and looking to see if anybody was watching him. What a poser!”

Another friend, Skyler Daniels, noticed Lefebvre’s posing also, and decided to test him.

“I was like, ‘Dude, you’re not even reading that,’” says Daniels. “And he was like, ‘Yes I am,’ and I was like, ‘Alright then, do you think Achilles should have wrestled the giant chicken?’ And he was like, ‘Oh yeah, if he didn’t, the chicken would’ve killed the whole town,’ and I was like, ‘Man, you’re so busted! There was no giant chicken! You’re not even reading it!’ And then he was like, ‘Man, whatever,’ and changed the subject and started talking about how much Bush sucks.”

Lefebvre’s friends say this is not the first time he’s tried to impress people by pretending to read a book in front of Greyfriar’s. Last November, he was caught pretending to read Noam Chomsky’s 9/11, and last April, he was busted with an unread copy of Stupid White Men by Michael Moore.