I wasn't expecting to get a check because I haven't heard anything from Wayne in almost a month. I've seen him around town, but he never notices me, or at least he doesn't let on that he does. Every time I've seen him, he's been holding Daphne's kid and smiling like he's just the happiest guy on earth. That really pisses me off. He doesn't give a damn about his own kids, but he can be a daddy to Daphne's kid. The only reason he pays child support is because he's scared he'll go to jail.
I just don't understand him. We have Arien because he just had to have another baby right then. I wasn't ready for another one. I had a good job making a lot of money, and I knew I couldn't work there anymore if I were pregnant. Back then I would've done anything to make him happy, so I agreed to go along with him. After only a month of trying, I was pregnant.
When we first found out, he told me not to tell anybody right away, he didn't want anybody to know. I thought that was a little strange, but come to find out he told me not to tell anybody because he wanted to be the one to do it, and he did. He was so excited, and I was in heaven. Wayne got a job painting houses, and I quit my job to stay home with Gracie (then 2 1/2) and take care of myself. I had my perfect little family a while.
Things started going down hill when I was 4 months pregnant (July, 2002). He lost his job and we started fighting all the time. He would leave with his friends and stay out all night with me stuck at home with Gracie. I had a feeling that he was cheating on me, but I wasn't sure.
We didn't have any money, so with my dad's help, I found a job (the same one I have now). I thought that since we'd have some money, things would get better, but they didn't. One day during the second week on my job, I came home tired an cranky. That was made worse by the fact that Wayne wasn't home, and his mom was bitching about something and I had to listen to it. So, when Wayne finally came home, we got into a huge argument and I took Gracie and left.
That was the end for us. He didn't come get me and apologize like he always had before. I found out a couple of days later that he had been cheating on me with Daphne, and they had gotten together the night I left. That really hurt me. I had considered Daphne one of my best friends. I covered for her when she was cheating on her boyfriend (also one of my best friends), I helped her out whenever I could, and look how she repaid me. Because of her, I don't trust people anymore.
So now, a year and a half later, Wayne acts like he doesn't give a flying fuck about his kids. He pops in and out of their lives whenever he pleases. It breaks my heart when Gracie asks me why her Daddy hasn't come to see her in so long. I hate Wayne with a passion right now. He left me with two kids to raise by myself. We're not doing so good, either. I'm stressed out all the time, I'm always broke, and I'm always tired. I'm 23 years old, and I live with my mom because I can't afford to put a roof over my girls' head. I need new clothes, but I can't afford to buy anything for myself. I've been trying to find a better job, but there's just nothing out there right now. I feel like the worst mom in the world.
I guess I'd better stop now. I've gotten myself upset. I really didn't mean to take this post in that direction, but I guess I just needed to say some of that stuff. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Tomorrow's pay day, so maybe I'll be in a better mood when I'm not broke.
Posted by sabrina at December 5, 2003 12:57 AM
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I am so sorry to hear this. It honestly breaks my heart and makes me very angry even though I obviously don't know Wayne. I just don't know what to say, because everything that comes to mind is a cliche... But I do know that you seriously sound like a *wonderful* Mom who loves her children very, very much. I always enjoy reading about them. You don't know me, but i am praying for you and your children and that Wayne will realize what a moron he's been and start to become involved in the lives of his kids. Please try not to get too down on yourself and hang in there! :)
Posted by: andy at December 5, 2003 01:57 AMwhats hard in my life is im similar to waynes and yours put together. I have a son who lives with his mom .. her and i couldnt get along we tried and tried but it just didnt work .. i had to move away things were just too much .. but the hard part is im far from my son .. however i do talk mom quit a bit and her and i are now on decent terms to where we can chat and things ..
but I also married now and my wife has two kids and i spend ALOT of time with them .. even more then she does .. but it doesnt mean i love these kids more then my son .. its just i cant call and say ill be there in 20 minutes to pick up Tyler (my son). My wifes kids call me dad now (they are soon to be 11 and the other is 12). When my wife works like 12 hours aday The kids hardly see her at all and its like sometimes im doing it all alone.
Im having marriage problems and have been stressed wayyyyyyyyyy beyond but you cant expect someone to love and be a parent to someone unless they care .. and if he went ande jumped bones with your best friend and doesnt come around .. while it might not seem it .. but its better hes not around .. you dont want your kids seeing what hes like .. you want them to find true love .. love from the heart not from the pants like he did to you. You and the kids are ALOT better then him and dont need his "when i feel like it" ways around you all to run your life. Keep it up people like you is what teaches us kids what important in life and not some lazy lie.
Posted by: Matt_31 at December 5, 2003 06:17 AMOkay, that's enough to make anyone mad at Wayne. My mother said I'd always look at the bright side of a train wreck, and that's true, but I've found from the situations I've encountered in my life that you can mullygrub over it or you can accept the past as just that and build on it. Before I say anything else, I realize that I'm not in your shoes(obviously not, I'm a man) so all I can do is give you a man's lousy opinion...but it's a man that is married and has four children and has fought with his wife before, I just never quit. Your husband has made himself and Daphne the big losers in this situation. Daphne has betrayed your friendship and Wayne has betrayed his vows, his wife, and his kids. Wayne isn't coming around because he is reminded of the mistake he has made and the lie he is living every time he sees you and then. Whenever I get so bent out of shape about someone that I want to cuss them up one side and down the other, I find it helps to pray for them...once I get over praying for fire to fall from heaven and consume them and all manner of pestilence upon them, then I pray FOR them. Your not going to get over this tomorrow, and it's not going to be solved overnight either(whatever the solution winds up being), please remember that he is your children's daddy and do your best at refraining from talking bad about him in front of them, they'll pick up on it and you don't want that to start to work in their minds. My suggestion is to pray that the Lord convict Wayne and Daphne of their sin and that He draw them to repentance.
That's my sorry little two cents worth. Aside from that, you sound like you are a wonderful mother and were apparently a good wife. Please try to find the good in this, if you can't find it, look at your daughters.
I don't know if it's the way you write or your situation, but something about your blog always strikes a cord with me. You should know that the people who read your words, like me, care about you, and remember you in our prayers. You are doing a good job, even if it seems like an impossible life sometimes. The best of mothers doubt themselves and get tired. Don't feel guilty. Your kids are warm, fed, and loved. Kids are so resilient, they can handle a lot more than you think.
Keep your chin up. You will survive all this stuff, and you'll be so much stronger for it.
Posted by: Shannon at December 5, 2003 08:55 AMThere are lots of things I could tell you ... I could tell you my long sad story .... but I won't ... I'll just tell you that I understand. Hang in there chicka! Remember when your at the bottom the only way to go is up!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: squishybear at December 5, 2003 01:09 PMGirl, your life is so much better without him in it. You are doing a great job with the girls and a great job at work and things are gonna get better for you. **hugs**
Posted by: kat at December 5, 2003 03:01 PMP.S. Can you please email me when you get a chance? I lost your addy again, and I can't find it here on the site. Thanks. :)
Posted by: kat at December 5, 2003 03:05 PMYou're definitely not the bad parent in this situation. Your girls are fed, clothed, and have someplace to live, which is more than some mothers can say. But all of them have one thing in common with you, they love their kids unconditionally which you do. That's all that matters, who cares if you live at home with your mom? Maybe they'll grow up to have a close family structure because of it. If anybody is the worst parent in the world, I think it's Wayne who cheated on you, left you alone, can't bother to visit your children, and doesn't bother to pay all the child support for his children.
Posted by: Amanda at December 5, 2003 11:25 PM