This year, I'm going to party. Not really because it's my birthday, but just because I can. Gracie will be spending the weekend on Signal Mountain with Wayne's Granny, and I somehow talked my mom into keeping Arien all night Saturday. Since I'm going to be childless for at least one night, Jenny and I are going out. I'm not sure where yet, but it'll probably be somewhere with a lot of alcohol. I plan on spending the night watching Jenny get inebriated and laughing at her. She's hilarious when she's drunk.
I'm not sure if any of that's going to happen or not, though. I've got a little meeting with Wayne at 3 Saturday, and I guess it will all depend on how I feel after that's over.
Since I'm having so much trouble keeping babysitters, I decided that I needed to try and get along with Wayne. I wouldn't have to pay him to keep the kids, and he might actually end up getting to be a good father again. He called the other day, and I told him that we needed to get together and talk because I needed his help. I think I said something like, "I need you. I can't do this without you."
I meant that I needed his help because working, going to school, and raising two kids is really hard, but I'm not sure that's how he took it. I'm afraid that he thinks that I want us to get back together, because when we were done talking he said, "I love you. Bye, baby." He hasn't told me he loves me in over a year.
I don't want us to get back together. At least I don't think I do. I'm happy with the way things are now. I still have feelings for him, and I guess I always will. I spent 5 years of my life with him, and I have two little girls who look just like him. I don't want to go through all of the crap again. Believe me, there's a lot of it where he is concerned.
I hope I'm just reading too much into this. I'm prepared to have a conversation about the girls, but I'm not sure how I would handle having to talk about "us". I wish Saturday would just hurry up and get here so I can get this over with. Dealing with Wayne makes me nervous.
Posted by sabrina at September 11, 2003 12:04 AM
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I read your blog but have never commented before. I'm sorry to hear of your uncertain meeting on Saturday (and that you've never really celebrated your birthday before - that sucks).
But I hope you have a great one, though! It sounds like you could surely use it.
Happy Birthday... Dealing with Wayne should be fun. I feel for you. If you two try to work things out make it under your terms not his. You are finally pulling your life together, don't let him come in a mess that up for you. Hugs
Posted by: Bella at September 11, 2003 08:34 AMHow is your daughter?
Posted by: Shannon at September 11, 2003 06:00 PMyeah... what bella said. Don't commit yourself to ANYTHING, that you aren't comfortable with, just for the sake of not having to pay a sitter. You'll be miserable, the kids will be miserable and who will benefit? Certainly not you. You've worked long & hard to get where you are now, and although things might not be the best, you're making the best of the situation, so stick to your guns and don't take no crap off anybody! *SHMILY* (see how much I luv ya) ((hugs))
Posted by: CJ at September 11, 2003 10:51 PM