A Jeep In Summer

Wandering Through Fields Of Touch And Go

You know, I knew that at some point last night Bebo would make me cry. But I didn't think about it. I just went, without any of that stainless steel emotional armour, just worrying about having bought tickets for six and not quite sure they'd be there, just looking forward to a huge go cup of coffee to hold me through the two (really three!) opening singers, just wanting to hear some good music.

And then he started to sing that song. That one that I never listen to. Skip button. Next track please. I always forget that it exists until he starts it. 'Oh crap, I'm just going to endure it.' There was no enduring last night. I was right there in the middle of everything.

And just when I started crying, L. reached over and grabbed me. Knowing what was coming. And being there in my moment. I made it. I don't know how he knew that I needed him, and I don't care.

I know that I can't walk this road without companions. They are the shelter in storms. I need 'em. In ways that are always familiar and surprising.

I made it. Here I am through two days of four hours of sleep, here I am through one more day of barraging emails, standing at the edge of Colorado Springs time, wanting to just bust through the barrier of hours and be there.

I'm So Tired

Grover on Ecstasy

You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?

I don't recommend that everyone go take this quiz, it's pretty much rated R. Funny, but rated R.

Back from Jackson

Been visiting friends. Long conversations, laughter, barbeque, a nap, and sleeping in on Monday morning. Of course, now it is Tuesday, and I'm doing the very opposite of sleeping in.

Driving home yesterday was just perfect. Timed to miss Nashville rush hour traffic, windows down for fall's great wind, smooth road, listening to Bebo's new cd as he's playing here on Wednesday, not thinking of anything in particular, just driving. Knowing how to get home without looking at the map. Some praying.

September Mix Finished

and road-tested. Imagine sighing of tires without rain.

Healing Rain (Radio Mix) Michael W. Smith
The Silence of God Andrew Peterson
Sky Blue And Black Jackson Browne
The Man Who Would Be Santa Vertical Horizon
Raspberry Beret Hindu Love Gods
After the Last Tear Falls Andrew Peterson
Vertigo U2
In Your Eyes Peter Gabriel
Only Love Wynonna
My Favorite Mistake Sheryl Crow
Higher Love Steve Winwood
Can't Nobody Love You (Like I Do) Wynonna
We Believe In God Amy Grant
Black Sheep Boy Pierce Pettis
Shelter Of Storms Mary Chapin Carpenter

Begginings of September Mix

Healing Rain (Radio Mix) Michael W. Smith
The Silence of God Andrew Peterson
Sky Blue And Black Jackson Browne
The Man Who Would Be Santa Vertical Horizon
Raspberry Beret Hindu Love Gods
After the Last Tear Falls Andrew Peterson

Playing With The Brain

Wouldn't it be fun to shake someone up by playing them Michael W. Smith worship songs separated by Dashboard Confessional songs?

The Best Global Trends Quote Ever

'I just locked myself out of my office and my lecture notes are in there.'

Hold On, Hold On To Your Self, This Is Gonna Hurt Like

1. Size 31 'relaxed' Levi Strauss jeans are too big. Around the waist. They hang.
2. Tomorrow is Day of Prayer, I sure need it.
3. It's raining, but there ain't a cloud in the sky.
4. Bruce Springsteen rocks.
5. Do you know the temporary desolation that shows up when plans for the evening fall to pieces?
6. There are too many flies in this house.
7. 'Don't call me up on your pity party line and invite me over for punch and cookies. I won't come. I won't come with a pretty pity present.' Danielle Pafunda, which is a really cool name.
8. I'm going to west TN this weekend.
9. Old Vertical Horizon is better than new.
10. There is love.

One Heart

Not Sugar Free

'Whole milk is really just a delivery method for chocolate syrup.'

Orange (Continued)

There are many marks. Tattoos, scars, piercings, carvings, slashes, burns, stains--all these can be left behind, to say (with and without intention), 'I was here' or 'This belongs to me' or 'I spilled something.' Also footprints and fingerprints. And marks on paper: love notes, goodbye letters. Crayon on the wall.

I remember when he moved in. We were waiting with pizza, the brothers T. were late--car trouble. So we started on the pizzas, finished, but left them some.

We couldn't see the next three and a half years of the late nights, the road trips, the laughter, the hurtful words and actions and consequent apologies, the prayers, the beers, the tux rentals, the confronting talks, the changes, the few moments of crying, the walking through life together. But somehow, in that moment of arrival, I knew that he was someone I wanted to know for the rest of my life. There have been moments when I've doubted that knowledge and almost abandoned it, but my doubts have proved groundless.

So there is some sort of mark somewhere in my heart. Orange paint is sanded and gone away, the new white has drenched the door, I have walked and am walking through this change, because things and housemates and all the components/factors/ingredients of life change. Inevitable. Here we are.

And you know, we weren't able to get all the orange off. It's still there, hiding. It's in the history, in the story of this house, in the story of several lives.

I do have a new affinity for that colour. It might be a permanent liking.

'So when the questions dissolve
into the silence of God
The aching may remain,
but the breaking does not
In the Holy, lonesome echo
of the silence of God'

--Andrew Peterson

Not Only Do I Have Roads Within Me,

I will soon be on the road. Colorado Springs. Housemates on parade. Housemates in the air. (Courtesy of NorthWest--long trip, poor Bob. And courtesy of Delta--much shorter trip. More expensive, however.) Hanging with FOF Instituting friends. We're outta here. And boy do I love the Chattanooga airport.

By the way, the perfect Friday song is Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes.'

The grand facade so soon will burn
Without a noise
Without my pride
I reach out from the inside

Covenant Be

closed until 11 am tomorrow! Yee ha!

The Last Couple Of Days

Looking around the house--"Well, at least they didn't take the gin!"

Sitting on a Lookout Mountain porch at night with beer and coffee and friends--"We're so glad you don't judge us by our parents."

"The budget phase is officially over. It only officially started yesterday."

"We should be our own reality tv show."

"I felt like I had committed every sin in the Bible all at once."

No More Games

That's a self-explanatory, self-revelatory, self-contained title. There's tons I could write, in tons of anger and spitting and swearing but I'm not going to despair. There is someone, I know there is, I'm going to go to the marina, look through the storm in the middle of the waking night, and find some prayer.

And, you know, that someone might turn out to be Jesus. And that'll be OK too. Even if I just start crying because it makes no sense.

Approaching Schizophrenia?

I think and think about things like this on a regular basis.

Nonlinear developments--such as the sudden rise of a Web-connected opposition, a sharp and sustained economic downturn, or, conversely, the emergence of enlightened leaders committed to good governance--might change outcomes in individual countries.

All for the sake of Global Trends.

A Continuing Obsession?

Amy Grant
Greatest Hits 1986-2004
release date: 12 October 2004

1. Find A Way
2. Saved By Love
3. The Next Time I Fall
4. Lead Me On
5. Baby Baby
6. Every Heartbeat
7. That's What Love Is For
8. Good For Me
9. I Will Remember You
10. Lucky One
11. House Of Love
12. Hope Set High
13. Helping Hand
14. Children Of The World
15. El Shaddai
16. Takes A Little Time
17. Imagine
18. I Will Be Your Friend

Today In Fiction--Intentional Destruction

On September 13, 1986: Evelyn Couch smashes a Volkswagen; she announces she has more insurance. You go girl!

I Feel Slightly Orange

My ex-housemate's favorite colour is orange, and I let him paint the window trim in (and the door to) his room orange. It was a great effect, put on with a wire brush, a splash of what-is-that, some intensity among the white and blue.

And now I'm taking it off. (New housemate can't stand it.) Which, with a power sander, is fun. But I'm thinking about who put it on for him, and this tiny community in which I'm friends with both of them. In very separate ways and very separate times.

And here's the kicker. I'm erasing the specific mark that he put in my house, the dwelling which I think of as the temporary permanent place where I belong. I can't really tell you what it's like--he's moved on to a new apartment, a new life, a wife. I kind of feel stuck here, picking up the pieces. Scratching the paint off. Searching for a bit of renewal. Looking for the new; the new what? Friend, circadian rhythm, book to read, maybe a new drink. And yeah, I'm kind of despairing. There's nothing new to my life. Just old sin, ancient ways of covering it, familiar aches, routine conversations.

I know that erasing most of the orange paint and covering it over with new and fresh white shouldn't be a huge emotional deal, but this is one small late-coming manifestation of this season of change. I hope it's the last one of this season. I know I shouldn't be feeling this much, but I think it's better than feeling nothing. At least I'm listening.

I LOVE MY HOUSEMATE

"It was a forward. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, it's all about history, which has been around for a long time."

"That's a damn fine support letter, if I do say so myself."

Mix For Reflection

Breathe 3:15 Melissa Etheridge Lucky 2004
Never 4:04 Heart These Dreams: Heart's Greatest Hits 1985
New Favorite 4:00 Alison Krauss & Union Station Live (Disc 2) 2002
Remember When It Rained 4:41 Josh Groban Closer 2003
Famous Last Words 4:54 Billy Joel River Of Dreams 1993
Alone 3:38 Heart These Dreams: Heart's Greatest Hits 1987
I Might Get Over You 3:27 Kenny Chesney Everywhere We Go 1999
From The Station 3:07 Marc Cohn The Rainy Season 1993
Believe In Love 4:58 Russ Taff We Will Stand Yesterday And Today 1994
When Love Takes You In 4:47 Steven Curtis Chapman All About Love 2003
Something More 4:00 Switchfoot New Way To Be Human 1999
Let 'Er Rip 2:50 Dixie Chicks Wide Open Spaces 1998
Drops Of Jupiter 4:20 Train Drops of Jupiter 2001
Bye Bye Bye 3:20 'N Sync No Strings Attached
I Thought She Knew 3:22 'N Sync No Strings Attached
Cry A River 4:39 Amy Grant Behind The Eyes 1997
Somewhere Down The Road 5:09 Amy Grant Behind The Eyes 1997
Nothing Broken But My Heart 5:56 Celine Dion Celine Dion 1992
Secret Garden 4:27 Bruce Springsteen Greatest Hits 1995
Where Does My Heart Beat Now 4:33 Celine Dion Unison 1990
Long Long Way to Go 4:23 Lionel Richie Just for You 2004
If You're Gone 4:34 Matchbox Twenty Mad Season 2000
Don't Call Me Up 5:14 Mick Jagger Goddess In The Doorway
Shelter Of Storms 5:18 Mary Chapin Carpenter Between Here And Gone 2004

Are You Ready?

New Phrases I Could Fall In Love With

fresh-brewed life

beloved dirt
from http://www.livejournal.com/users/lilmez/

find me in the river, find me there, find me on my knees with my soul laid bare

yelling into the abyss together

their attitude toward electricity was demonic

Global Trends Mix (Somehow I Think Only I Could Put 2nd Ch. and INXS On The Same CD)

If We Are The Body Casting Crowns Casting Crowns
Your Love Is Extravagant Casting Crowns Casting Crowns
Open Up My Blind Eyes 2nd Chapter Of Acts Rejoice/Singer Sower
Guns in The Sky INXS Kick
One U2 Mexican Pop Art (Disc 2)
What About The Love? Amy Grant Lead Me On
When The World Ends Dave Matthews Everyday
The Space Between Dave Matthews Everyday
Jesus' Blood Delirious? Deeper: The D:Finitive Worship Experience
Gasoline Garrison Starr Airstreams & Satellites
Lives In The Balance Jackson Browne The Next Voice You Hear - Jackson Browne
All American Girl Melissa Etheridge Yes I Am
Know You in the Now Michael Card Present Reality
In Your Eyes Peter Gabriel Hit (Disc 2)
Break It Down Again Tears For Fears Elemental
All I Want Is You U2 Rattle And Hum
Right Now Van Halen For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

To Sarah-Christin

I didn't delete your recent comment. It's just gone. Such is a blogging life.

Laboring

Despite only sleeping three hours last night (man, I wish I knew why that happens), it's been a remarkably good day. Got some work done, came home and did details with the future housemate, tried to deposit an insurance check, and now I have an iced Americano (thanks Jeremy, you rock the free world) and some time to go over lecture notes for the next couple of weeks. Postmodernism (Wade Bradshaw lecture notes to the rescue), Cold War, about half of _The Lexus and the Olive Tree_. I don't know how to get it all to fit in the time, we're already behind. Oh well. So what if a syllabus is just a wistful wishful notion?

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning I am called to the front of a classroom. It's a platform, that's where I'm supposed to be, and sometimes I have good things to say. It's funny though, the totality of what I have in my mind to communicate and teach never fully gets out across that blood/brain barrier. So much to say. And some of it gets said. I guess that's the nature of the gig.

It's kind of wild to have this whole new group of people to pray for. I know that some of them are going through horrendous times. Some of them probably think that 8 am is a horrendous time.

There's more on my mind. It'll have to wait. Back to postmodernism. And what's to like about it. There are several things, actually.

It's a challenge. But you know what the Heidelberg Confession says. We have this privilege of serving God in a time that is shadowed, and sinful, and difficult, and sometimes heartrending.

from 'As The Ruin Falls'

Only now that you have taught me (but how late) my lack
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

-C.S. Lewis

the corner of love and heartache

and I just start cryin' 'cause it makes no sense
to waste these words and twenty-five cents
on a losing game, baby, you win again

I've been turning it over and over again
like a stone I'm waiting to wish on
I've been holding my breath
wondering when you'll make some sort of decision

to let me in or to let me go
I always lose if I never know
where I fit in, baby, you win again

I can't be right if I'm always wrong
I can't stand up if I'm always kneeling
at your altar or at your throne
you could show just a little feeling

for who I am

baby, you win again

-Mary Chapin Carpenter

FatherShoes

This Is The Little Girl I Love

What I Hate

Sweating in clean clothes.
My kitchen when it's a wreck.
Broken glass.
People who blab about the movie before you see it.
Walking away from potential.
People who are deliberately oblique.
People who think decaying sweet potatoes are photogenic.
Living in too many ways at once.
Being lost.
Being responsible for lost people.
Missing the cheese in Belgium.
Materialism.
People who complain. Since I'm complaining.
Saying goodbye to good friends.
Saying hello to old enemies.
Looking for the ravioli at Macaroni Grill and finding out they've taken it off the menu.

The Funniest Rejection Line I've Ever Heard Of

Upon extension of a request for a date:

"WHAT? Am I taking crazy pills?"

Prayer Would Be Good

Sorry for the long silence. Life continues to be crazy, mainly because it is the beginning of the semester and I don't yet have my act together. Don't believe me? Ask any of my global trends students--they'll tell ya the truth, and it'll confirm my dismal self-opinion. Tonight at dinner, JB said that Tuesday's class was 'fun.' 'Fun? Global Trends isn't SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!'

Lots going on. Work. Friends to be with and pray for. Lectures/class time to write/plan. Large questions to answer. New housemate soon. Too much going on. I am weary, overwhelmed, and my soul is tired. Come on, cheer up, it's just the beginning of the semester.

I just have to get through tomorrow. Then I can schedule my time in such a way as to get things done and get some sleep. I love ya tomorrow.

Been groovin' to Jackson Browne:

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd know that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

from 'Sky Blue and Black'