I'm in Charleston, SC until Wednesday. Sisters, beauty, beach, conversation, babies, sleep. Then back to Baltimore and on to Pennsylvania. Almost all facets of life are changing in substantial ways. Home. Love. Support. Communication.
So I can't wait to get home and make sense of everything. Or at least figure out how to walk through the change.
The words fly from my mouth
like people jumping off a bridge
in flames and in the city of my heart
that bridge is a temple
and I am a boy who sings in the choir
of the temple that is burning
'Only God himself can let down the bucket to the depths in us.'
C.S. Lewis
'Where there is sorrow there is holy ground.'
Oscar Wilde
'I can't even remember how long I've been alone.'
Leonard in Memento
'I am Jack's broken heart...I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection...I am Jack's wasted life.'
Fight Club
'I am Jack's neglected need for connection.'
'Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him--a threefold cord is not quickly broken.'
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Who would have thought that a fairly random decision to move into a house with five or six much younger guys I didn’t really know would result in so much laughter and so many late nights and love and listening. As we’re coming up on four years of knowing each other, of friendship, of relationship, it seems like a good time, a good place, a time and a place the day before your wedding, to reflect a bit and to say some things that might not get said otherwise. So I’m going to take advantage of this opportunity.
Chattanooga
Calvin
consistent
G, you’re one of the most stable people I know. If you say you’ll do something, you do it. For instance, one of G's household chores was to put the recycling out on the curb on Tuesday mornings. And I’ll be darned if you didn’t ALWAYS do it! I know that consistency isn’t always the most exciting thing...but it is one of your gifts, and will stand M in good stead. Whatever ‘in good stead’ means. I don't know what connotations consistency has for all of you here tonight, but for me it means going to the end of the highway. Running the last mile. Running it well. Doing the hard stuff, doing the commitment stuff. You know, we don't know what life holds. The day after tomorrow, the next year could be a disaster for any of us, even for you, G and M. G, because you are consistent you keep your commitments, and the vows and commitments you make tomorrow will be the solid earthly ground that M stands on for the rest of your life together. I really love that I can stand with you tomorrow and know and believe that the promises you make will not be broken. And here's a side note: while I love the strength of your promises, I firmly believe that life is not lived in a vacuum of two people, it is not lived in isolation. It is lived in community. So part of what I'm saying tomorrow when I stand at the end of the line of men at your side is this--I will help you keep those vows. If there are ways in which I can help you, you should let me know.
chow, as in house dinner--for both W and G
I am gonna miss house dinner. I don’t know whose idea it was, was it mine(?), but it has been good for my soul to sit around the table and catch up and laugh and tease and sometimes share the joys and burdens of our hearts. We have eaten well and poorly, from steak to hot dogs, from birthday dinners at J. Alexanders to burgers on the road. There is a reason that mealtime together, for any household, is sweet and valuable and necessary, and we have been there and done that. I have appreciated the time that both of you, W and G, have donated to that particular cause, especially the weeks when I said, I can’t possibly cook, will you cook for me? I realize that especially these last few months it took a real effort and probably a small sacrifice to be there, at the table, for that time, and I hereby thank you. There are ways in which the table in my house will be full only when it includes the two of you. There are going to be empty spaces, there already are empty spaces, in my house--in cupboards and bedrooms, in the pile of available movies. But the table, representing fellowship, is probably the hardest empty space to see. But I know and realize that we weren’t meant to be housemates for a lifetime, for which I am sure you are grateful. This time in our lives is over, and it has come to a good end. I am grateful that we had this time, so much time, together. Your friendship and companionship and presence in my house has given me stability and sanctification and lots of things to think about and maybe prevented me from being impossible to live with in the future. One last thing--you are always welcome at my table. You don’t even have to call. Well, actually, you might want to, just to make sure I’m home. I guess if I’m not home you can raid the fridge and the cupboards, but don’t drink everything in the supplemental refrigerator. Know what I mean?
cell, as in cell phone
I knew it was getting serious when G and M talked on the phone for six hours one Saturday. I think that beats even my own record for phone time. Actually, this relationship owes a lot to some technological conveniences like mobile phones...and the excellent highway system of the United States. G has been on the road many weekends the last 15 months. I think someone has done the addition and come up with the estimated number of miles Greg has demanded of that little Toyota. The payoff of all that driving is tomorrow, and the marriage you'll enjoy for, God willing, many years to come. Yes, that is the payoff, but the Brotherhood of Bama Bachelors would like to formally recognize your many many many hours of car time. [presentation of plaque]
Frequent Driver Award
2003-2004 Courting Season
presented to
G A
by the 'Bama Bachelors
'On The Road Again'
But here and now the Word which is implicit in the Beginning and in the End is become immediately explicit, and that which hitherto we could only passively fear as the incomprehensible I AM, henceforth we may actively love with comprehension that THOU ART. Wherefore, having seen Him, not in some prophetic vision of what might be, but with the eyes of our own weakness as to what actually is, we are bold to say that we have seen our salvation.
Now and forever, we are not alone.
You know, it is kind of crazy how a pretty small thing can completely change the way you look at a day or situation, even something as simple as 'Thank you.' I guess that 'thank you' is more profound than we typically think.
Some of the craziness stems from not expecting thanks, just because I'd already forgotten that I'd done that thing. I didn't intentionally forget, I just kept on with the work at hand. Which turned out to be the flower garden. Oh yeah.
He's here for a couple of weeks, and I can't wait for him to return in August.
I have succumbed to too many emotional stimuli, to professional frenziedness, to weariness, to lack of deep thought. I was exhausted yesterday, but couldn't sleep. That's the first time that's ever happened off a plane. I've not slept before, but there were reasons. There weren't reasons last night. The thing is, now I know it can happen.
I'm worn out. I need to go home and pray. I'm going to have to go away and dream it all up again. At the very least, I need to catch up on my reading.
"I'm not quite sure what Buffy is doing in Minas Tirith."
Early yesterday evening I was severely tempted to toss all the Global Trends final exams out the window of the car.
It is unreasonably cold here on Lookout Mountain. 39 F. It is finals week, I'm giving a final, and now catching up on reading and writing. (There's just enough wireless frequency to let me connect to the world. Connect, but don't conform?) I should be grading papers. ("I should be sleepin' 'stead of keepin' these late hours I've been keepin'...does anyone know what happened to that country boy band Emerson Drive?) Or at least doing reading for this class for next semester.
For life and breath and daily food, we give you thanks O Lord. For preserving a life which could have ended on the side of the interstate highway road this weekend. We give you thanks. For hope. We give you thanks. For the prayers of a small church. I give you thanks. Days of consequences and confusion and caring are coming, and I beseech, ask, and crave your wisdom and whatever sort of roadmap you can give us. I know you're not mapquest, I know that most times you're more inscrutable than I care for, I know that sometimes love just ain't enough. Our love breaks down at any odd time. Your love is all we need. Well, that and a good dose of country music at the crucial juncture.
And this is love. Not that I had first loved you. And this is love. That you had first loved me. And you gave up your life. One perfect sacrifice. And this is love.
Regarding finishing: brilliant idea! My first requirement would be that you live off campus. Of course, I have no power to enforce that requirement, and you know that. (But, there's supposed to be this huge amount of freshmen in the fall, so you might not be able to get a room on campus anyway.) My next requirement is that you call me so that we can talk about your idea and so I can hear your voice and hear how you're doing and so I can tell you what is going on in my life.
Of course, I have lost your phone number due to switching phones and have probably lost your email address due to having two Macs. Your contact info might be on the work computer. I'll check. But email me anyway. At home or work. ASAP. Include phone number.
If you've been following blog entries and interpreting it correctly, you'll already know that W and G are both forsaking the single life and moving out. And though I have been saying I don't want anymore housemates...well, I have been known to reconsider some of the things I have said.
And you could meet K.
And we could grow as friends again. You up for it? Iron sharpening iron. Seeking God together on our knees. Craziness meeting craziness. Infectious laughter. All kinds of wisdom learnt. Memories to the surface. Boys to the feet of God. Hurts healed. "Keys made, palms read, souls raised from the dead."
p.s. It seems that my blog comments are not being emailed to me.