A Jeep In Summer

(Revised:) The Fact Is

I'm surrounded by it.

I'm at the age when it _seems_ like most everyone is married. (I know they're not. But if you could see my mobile phone directory, where all the home phone numbers/landlines are two names, not one...) There were scrapbooking remains sitting out from the afternoon, I was over for dinner, I picked up the envelope of pictures labeled 'extra wedding pictures,' she graciously and serenely offered them to me. 'Yeah, that top one of him and the groomsmen is great, but he has his eyes closed.'

It's been me with my eyes closed.

She can afford to be gracious and serene. Everything that she ever wanted, the fulfillment of so many dreams, a place that is home--she doesn't see the desert that is my 'real.' I'm glad that she doesn't. That place where needs are met, where the fear and joy of life are shared, where someone reaches for your hand, where there is no uncertainty about the promises you've made or about the promises that have been made to you--that's a great place. I'd stand there, being caring and careful, laughing and crying, if I could.

Of course I took those pictures home. Scoured through the images, looking for focus and creativity, for memories of last summer. Forgot that I was gonna be sitting here some night and all that happiness was gonna gang up on me.

I forgot about last summer.

Last summer people prayed, my relationship was prayed against, potential was thwarted, I forgot to see, accusations bit deep, I failed, and things broke. Broke down, broke up. You name it. I sat in front of a Florida hotel in the night heat with a loaned flask of something and talked and talked. I'm pretty sure I cried. And it's not like there's any resolution now, just little pieces of hope that show up and don't work out and eradicate and finish off your heart. There wasn't any resolution. After the Florida hotel night I got up and drove home, which was what I was supposed to do.

It is almost summer, one more time, and I can't break again.

(Please don't misunderstand. If you're married or engaged or dating, that's great. Really great. If you found someone who's tender, if you found someone who's true, God has been pretty good to you. Just don't let me walk out your door with a pile of pictures.)