I had a teacher in high school once that used to say "Jeannette, are you having epistemological crisis again?" Not to make light of your angst, nor to say that I completely sympathize. But I have felt similar angst. I can say, though, that I think the Lord has delivered me from that yearning for the relationship. Having grown up reciting the Westminster Shorter catechism as easily I did the ABC's, I'm surprised I didn't notice before. But a lot changed for me when I realized that "it" (whatever "it" is) is more than a personal relationship of me individually with God, rather a personal relationship of God with the Church with me in it. God speaks to me through the Church, through the Word and the sacraments. It's beautiful, covenantal, and, I think, often missed in evangelical circles.

You probably know all this already, and I become one of the many voices that all sound the same....

Dude, I'm feelin ya. I got saved 5 years ago and went the whole gamut from missions trips to PCA college and totally immersed myself. Now I'm at the point of total burn out and I just don't care. Not that I don't believe. I do. I'm just tired of it all. I feel like I've been misled by Christian taechings for so long. I wan't what was promised but what was promised might not be what you're getting. When I really get down into scriptures (honestly not often at all) God tells us that all the days of our lives we will toil and struggle for a few measly bites to eat. Jesus said that we will be persecuted(sp?) He came to divide families. I can't find anywhere where it says life will be just peachy. Basically we were promised that life with Jesus ir just grand but I'm not sure we'll see any of that grandness until heaven.

No offense Jeanette but that's a pretty shitty answer. I'm pretty jaded on this one because I generally dislike Christians (kind of hard to live with when I'm one of them). As Christians we just don't take care of each other. There is an individual aspect we're not just nameless faces as part of the body (I know that's not what you're getting at, I'm just using your statement as a springboard.). We're so steeped in an western/american individualistic thing that we do our hour in church and maybe socialize with a select few members of the congregation and that's it. I'd bet that in most if not all churches you could look around on any given Sunday and find at least a handful of neglected ones. Those who would like to be part of the congregation and can't break into the cliques.

Granted my arguments are decidedly colored by my experiences. I guess I want that relationship with Christ because I sure as shit can't get any sort of meaningful relationship with ny fellow Christians.

churches (esp PCA churches), yea, don't measure up what the CHURCH could be if we really thought covenantally...

I'm a covenant child; been there, done that, with the whole crisis thing. There is the individual aspect of using the means of grace of prayer and Scriptures, but in the context of the Church, God and His People, it means so much more.

I know I'm not a very good explainer.

I wouldn't so much say that I am looking for answers anymore. It's more about discovering contentment. Finding out what I really want out of life and religion and faith and God.

I was very jaded when I left the church. If you're interested, I could post the essay I wrote a few months prior to leaving. It's full of jade and angst and frustration and piety and loss and abandonment and disillusion and every piece of baggage the church gave me.

I don't think I'm jaded anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm better. I'm hopeful though. But I don't find church (sunday mornings) a value added experience for my life. I'm less prone to judge those who do find value now, though I wasn't at the time.

I don't know. I'm interested in the experiences that others have faced and the process that others have gone through to deal with the demons of their faith. How do others live their moments and days? Where are like-minded people (like me) finding meaning and hope? How do you pray? (not 'how does one pray', but 'how do you personally pray').

In these brief moments I'm still seeking. But for the most part I'm just trying to forget.

How do I pray? Sporadically. As the plane takes off and then as it lands. Before cutting into the steak smothered in sauteed onions and mushrooms. When Chris is hurting. As I walk up the stairs realizing I had not prayed in a while.