RIGHT TO THE CHIN

Dumb Jessica Simpson Quotes

Ok...I couldn't resist passing these along...

"Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?"
(Upon finding that the house she and husband Nick Lachey have moved into suffers from a severe lack of live-in help, Jessica begins asking the serious questions--never mind grammar!)

"Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea."
(Jessica asks her husband, Nick, to explain the flaky white meat inside a can of Chicken of the Sea.)

"Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced Platypus?"
(Jessica reveals that while the duck-like stuffed animal that she wins at an amusement park may be called a platypus by most, to her the little creatures always sound like some obscure Sesame Street character.)

"I think I need to go, um...drop some kids in the pool."
(Jessica has just devoured a meal of fast food delights and now feels a strong urge to defecate but doesn't wish to offend others with such bold talk.)

"I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it."
(A tearful Jessica learns that her record label has found fault with the vocals on her new single and that she must go back to the studio and rerecord said vocals.)

"I have bubbles in my tummy...It's just air. It's not stink. Promise."
(After a hearty meal of barbecued hamburgers, Jessica searches deep within herself...and finds gas. Unscented, bubbly gas. Funny, I thought the air was all above the neck…)

"What if I accidentally hit somebody? Because my dad took one of his friends golfing--and it was like one of his first times--and he knocked out a duck. He hit a duck. Like, I'm scared something like that's gonna happen."
(Jessica has been invited along to play golf with her husband and in-laws and wonders whether it's a good idea. What are the odds of THIS happening? And does anyone REALLY believe the stories their dad told them when they were little?)

On roughing it: "Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?"

On the ups and downs of doing laundry: "It is fun putting it in, but then you have to fold it."

On the mysteries of the animal kingdom: "Why were there mouses?"

On the aftermath of death: "Rigor who?"

On how difficult it is to master golf: "My boob gets in the way."

Leah: (motioning to Buffalo wings) Have you tried these?
Jessica: I don't eat buffalo.
Leah: Ha! It's not buffalo, idiot. Oh my god.
Jessica: It's not?
Leah: No, it's chicken.
Jessica: Then why are they called Buffalo wings?
Nick: Baby, come on. You know that.
Jessica: I don't know this!
Drew: Because barbecue wings started in Buffalo, or something like that. You know, it's kinda weird that buffaloes don't have wings?
Jessica: I never thought about it.

Posted by colrus at June 9, 2004 01:28 PM | TrackBack