from Enigma
If these trying times have made you feel uncomfortable about being a conservative, I offer these thirty tips of compromise. Follow as many of them as you can, and you'll soon be more enlightened, sympathetic, and popular!
1. Feel a lot of pain.
2. Remember, you are not responsible for anything. And if you are, we can always find a doctor who'll testify you aren't.
3. Buy lots of incense and candles.
4. Start a "world music" collection. Whatever "world music" is.
5. Talk endlessly about "the struggle."
6. Volunteer in a third world country to get back at your parents who are always bugging you to get a job with that degree they paid for.
7. Take a stand by sitting around and complaining.
8. Mask your insecurities by ridiculing others' ignorance of the meaningless trivia that you hold dear.
9. Watch "Ally McBeal" or "Dharma and Greg."
10. When you perform a charitable act, make sure people are watching. And make sure you get a receipt.
11. Be very multi-cultural. Bother minorities and constantly remind them that they need your help.
12. Remind everybody that we are all victims.
13. Be very "spiritual." But be careful. Don't talk too strongly about belonging to any particular religion or faith. If you do, you're a fanatic. And that's bad. When tragedy hits, instead of praying or going to church, meet with a bunch of people in a park and sing John Lennon's lame athestic anthem, "Imagine." This will reinforce your new view that, one day, the world will all be "as one." Whatever that means. I mean, wouldn't it be great if there wasn't a Heaven? Oh wait, it's on the Earth? OK, I'm confused...
14. Smoke and drink a lot.
15. Be very open-minded about everybody like you.
16. Use the term "open-minded" a lot.
17. Feel extreme amounts of guilt when you bust your butt to become wealthy.
18. Let feelings dictate your actions.
19. Swear a lot.
20. Always be angry.
21. Recognize that all of your "causes" are almost as important as the recognition you get for having them.
22. Blame guns and drugs for crime.
23. Pretend to like (and understand) bad art, theatre, and poetry.
24. Avoid answering questions by saying, "Let's take a look at the real issue." Then spout out your unfounded opinion about a completely different topic. Works great on TV.
25. Develop a deep, emotional bond with the sound of your own voice.
26. Instead of speaking out against problems like illegitimacy and drug abuse, speak out in favor of more and more money for endless government programs that excuse (and encourage) bad behavior.
27. Buy Dan Rather's new book.
28. Protest something until it gets too boring or too cold outside.
29. Try to impress people by constantly quoting literature during casual conversation.
30. Endlessly bother me.