I'll be the first one to admit it: I have a long break-in time. It takes a while for me to feel really comfortable around people and I think it takes people a while before they feel comfortable around me. I'm comfortable with silence. I don't mind being a bystander. It takes a while before I'll admit how I really feel around a group of people or before I'll joke around with people. It takes me a while to settle in to a new job and it takes some time before my house feels like my house. I'm not sure how long the transition takes (though it's usually around 1 year). It usually happens before I'm aware of it, and somewhere along the way, when I least expect it, I find myself thinking, "This (person, place, or thing) is mine."
For the past few years, whenever anyone has asked me where I'm from, my standard response has been, "I'm homeless," but that's not true. The fact is that there are several places that are "home" to me. I lived in Texarkana from the time I was born until I was 17. While I don't feel particular attachment to it now, so many of the stories of my life took place there and involve people who live there. There are still people there who I have great affection for and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to make the 3 hour journey to Texarkana just to see it again. I would love to go to the mall, where I spent so much time working and playing while I was in high school, to visit places I've been to so many times, to see those people that I never met, but I always seemed to spot wherever I went, to drive on those roads where I first learned to drive and see how the city has grown and changed. Texarkana will never be home, but it will always be my hometown.
In 1996, when I was just 17, I moved 2500 miles across the country to Moscow, Idaho, which is in the middle of nowhere, yet in the middle of everything simultaneoulsy. The first year was my "break-in" time, and while I enjoyed that year, the next four years proved to be most delightful. Of course there were many times when I wanted to be near my family and I had to settle for a phone call. I especially rember Thanksgiving time, when all the rest of the family would be getting together, but I would be stuck in Idaho. There were occasions when Moscow, Idaho was the last place in the world I wanted to be, but somehow the bad memories grow dim while the good times stay fresh in my mind. I've visited Moscow twice since I moved back to the south and both visits were great, but the facts of a college community rang true, even though I never imagined they would: there are constantly people moving there or moving away. The first time I visited, it was only 2 months after I had moved but things had already started to change. The second time I visited, which was nearly a year after my move, the city was the same but the people were remarkably different. Not only were there many so new faces present and so many old faces absent, but even the poeple who had lived there while I lived there seemed different. I'm sure I did my fair share of changing in that year, but everyone else did too. It makes me sad to think that if I visit Moscow in 5 years, many people there will never know who I am or that I had ever been there before, not that I'm the most important person ever, but it's strange how a town could have so much impact on me, yet I had so little impact on it.
Some things never change though, and those are the things I miss the most about Moscow. I would love to be there right now. Spring was always my favorite time of year. I miss the tulips and the lilacs. I miss the white and brown hills turning bright green. I miss the delights of a pedestrian friendly small town. I miss the cute little downtown. I really miss having somewhere to go where I could get away from the stresses of life. I used to love to drive to Pullman to go to Starbucks or Lawson Gardens. Just the 8 mile drive to Pullman was enough to ease my mind. The last month I lived in Moscow I had to prepare for my thesis defense, which involved a presentation and I also had a big choir concert. I probably drove to Pullman 1000 times reciting my speech aloud in my car until I had it down or singing every chorus from Messiah until I new each note. I miss those roads. While I don't really have a desire to live in Moscow again, I'll always miss it. And I have to admit: the last 2 years at Thanksgiving, though I enjoyed spending it with my family, I couldn't help but think of the Thanksgivings I spent with the LaMoreaux's in Moscow and a part of me wished I was there.
After I left Moscow, I lived in Nacogdoches, TX for a year. I moved there because my parents lived there and I must say, the transition was tough. To go from a town where I saw someone I knew almost everywhere I went to a place where I knew about 10 people was somewhat traumatic. For a while, I was too stubborn to let myself feel at home in Nacogdoches. I went to grad school there and, while the school work itself was fine, the professors were less than I had hoped they would be. I waited tables part time at the Bistro (AKA the den of iniquity) with a bunch a reprobates. I never really met any piers there that I connected with. There were (and are) people in Nacogdoches who I love. Besides my parents, of course, I loved the people I went to church with. I just needed someone near my age who I could hang out with. In March 2002, I drove to Virginia for a wedding and on the way back, I found myself thinking, "I can't wait to get home." That's when I realized (after 10 months of living there) that I really did consider Nacogdoches home. Coincidently, it was that same trip to Virginia when I made plans to move to Monroe. However, I still refer to going to Nacogdoches for the weekend as "going home."
I've lived in Monroe for 10 months now. I think the "break-in" period is almost over. I'm finally comfortable with my home. I'm happy with my job. I have lots of people around who I love. While I don't necessarily feel like there's one group of friends that I belong to, there are several groups that I'm comfortable with. I'm so pleased to live near my siblings and I know that once my niece is born next month, I'll be even happier. It's also nice to live in a place that many of my Texarkana/Moscow/Nacogdoches friends are likely to visit.
This post is much longer than I ever intended it to be. I've been adding to it, sentences at a time, as I've had a chance throughout the day. All I ever really intended to say is that I wish there was a place in Monroe where I could go when I needed to get away for a while, like the mall in Texarkana, or Lawson Gardens in Pullman. I wish I felt about the roads here the way I felt about the roads in Texarkana and Moscow. I think once I find that place and those roads, I'll know I've made it home.
Posted by christin at April 11, 2003 03:32 PM | TrackBack