Why I should not regret June

Ok.

I am Ripvanwinkle, having slept for some inordinate amount of time...and upon awakening, have started to brush the leaves away from my clothes.

I feel like I am finding myself again

These past two years I have been trying to heal a wound so deep.. that I needed the belief that there was something better out there.
... I'll cut to the chase.
I "invented an Abbot. "
I think I've finally realized that these past two years I've idealized one person to be the epitome of all the things I've ever needed and wanted.
There's really no other way to describe it.
On a June excursion during the first 6 months after a failed relationship, I had "the perfect opportunity" that was "perfectly" not taken advantage of.
Sure, I've dated other people since my ex of four-years, but in hindsight, it sure makes a lot of sense why I didnt assert myself more, and why my actions were so raw. I was desprately grasping at straws-- scrambling to assure myself that there was something stable underneath.

Now, I have no idea why I chose this person, and I really feel that if it hadn't been him it would have been someone else.
I think this is my mind's way of protecting my heart from the heh,
harsh reality that Mr Right wasn't right around the corner (just then).
So its so hard not to be completely analytical about this, as I realize my tendancy to be a "hopeless romantic".
The more pessimistic side tends to say I chose him because I knew it would be impossible, therefore making it more "safe".
The otherside would think that this person held the most qualities of my idealization.
I was trying to make him something he was not.

But, this realization explains um, just about everything..how I've acted these past two years...why I got hurt repeatedly AND why I kept going back.

What this does not explain, is what happens next >^_^<

This realization makes my heart fall short in a sense, and if this does not explain my actions, then it explains my attempt to "get over" this idealization.
Its funny, how I've put off other guys simply for the idea that this might happen.
I'm shaking my head as I write this.
It truly is how I fall in love, and what happens when I do.

I don't see anyone else. I care not for anyone else, or if my eye is turned, I always hope that my partner and I have turned in unison.
How blind that eye has been.

My heart is lightening.
I am glad that I am starting to see things clearly, and I am glad that I will finally be able to see things the way they really are, and give credit where credit is due.

There is only one good way to end this entry.
peace.

Posted by BLiNK at December 14, 2004 12:08 AM | TrackBack