I'm not sure if it's coincidence or not, but yesterday the Light & Life catalog came in the mail. There were a couple of books featured that piqued my ad hoc interest: Confronting and Controlling Your Thoughts According to the Fathers of the Philokalia and Thoughts and How to Confront Them.
No, I'm not hearing voices in my head--though some of you may well wonder. No, my problem is much less interesing and far more vexing.
I can't keep myself focused during my prayers. From "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit" to "Through the prayers of thy immaculate Mother . . ." my mind is all over the map. As soon as I bring it back to attention, it flies off again. Apparently it's far more important to try to remember which bills are due next than it is to praise the Holy Trinity. From the way my thoughts go during prayer, you would think it's much more critical that I contemplate whether or not to splurge and buy a coffee at work today than it is to intercede for my family and friends.
Sheesh.
This was a problem when I was still reading my prayers. I could read them straight from the book, start to finish, and realize when I finished that my mind had been off somewhere else the whole time. So I memorized the prayers. This helped immensely. I learned to try to move my mind into my heart--still trying that--and it was so helpful to focus on the words.
Now it's the memorization that's the problem. I turn on the "machine" and blam, when I'm done I've finished the grocery list, added three items to my "to do" column, and daydreamed about Sofie going to grade school. So I pulled out the prayerbook and tried reading the prayers again. It helped . . . a little.
Again, I keep trying to "rassle" these dang flighty thoughts, but with almost no success. As soon as I grab them, they wriggle free.
I suppose the good news is: I'm normal. The bad news may not so much be bad news as just a slightly overwhelming reality: It's going to be this way for a long, long, long time.
Does God accept these futile and flimsy prayers of mine? I think so. I sure want him to. Sofie pays far more attention to me than I do to God. What must God think of my own attention to him? Or, rather, inattention.
Pray for me, a sinner.
Posted by Clifton at November 9, 2004 09:59 AM | TrackBackBrother,
I have been having the same struggles. Recently have have just gone to bed, not even thinking about my prayers. Last night I intentionally prepared myself for prayer, and as soon as I started I was done. I could not focus. AT ALL. I barely made it though the invocation of the Trinty before I was having thoughts about everything but what I intended. URF.
Let's make sure to pray for each other during our struggles.
Grace and Peace
Posted by: justin at November 9, 2004 10:50 AMYou got it.
Posted by: Clifton D. Healy at November 9, 2004 10:52 AM