After nine years of living in the South, I've yet to develop an interest in NASCAR. I do, however, recognize its popularity and marketing clout. It's simply everywhere. Many of our local backwoods brethren would be left shirtless if, all of a sudden, Mark Martin T-shirts disappeared. Backyard picnics wouldn't be the same without a Rusty Wallace BBQ cover (comes in medium or large). And what would a weekend camping trip be without a Jeff Gordon racecar tent.
I don't really have anything against NASCAR. I just don't care to watch it. Maybe I just don't understand it. I mean, it is just a bunch of guys who spend an entire afternoon making a several-hundred-mile-long left-hand turn in a billboard disguised as a car, isnt it? There has to be more to it than that.
My buddy Brian was never a NASCAR fan, but just happened to get sucked into it by watching races with other fans. He now watches it religiously, and is fascinated by the hidden aspects of the sport. He can tell me how long a pit stop lasts, what driver is sponsored by Viagra, the chemical composition of the flame-retardant material in the drivers' jumpsuits, and what sport Tony Stewart played in high school. His dedication to the sport is admirable.
And while Brian and millions of other NASCAR fans spend weekend afternoons cheering on their favorites, I still feel out of the loop (pun intended). I am not trying to judge NASCAR fans. I'm just trying to understand them and the sport they love. Maybe, if NASCAR underwent some changes, more of us non-fans could get interested in it.
Here are some ideas:
1. LET SOME BLACK PEOPLE COMPETE.
I've never seen a single black person drive in a race. It's 2002. We've found the wreckage of the Titanic, cures for many diseases, and Plutonium. Can't we find at least one black redneck driver to challenge the other redneck drivers? This could also open up a whole new market for advertisers. If there's any room left on the cars for any more ads, that is...
2. INSTALL TRAFFIC LIGHTS.
If traffic lights were timed to randomly stop traffic every 8-12 laps, there would be more crashes. And that's what everybody really wants to see, isn't it? More crashes? And with more crashes, there would be fewer cars to finish the race, and thus, the races would be shorter. And that would help prevent the thousands of fat, drunken, shirtless rednecks in the crowd from getting worse sunburn than they already have.
3. MAKE THE TRACKS OUT OF ICE.
Now this would be the test of a true champion. If a single NASCAR driver could make it through the first turn without wiping out, I'd supply the prize money, myself. Plus, if the tracks were made of ice, chances are it would be cold outside, and all the aforementioned fat, drunken, shirtless rednecks in the crowd would have to put their shirts back on.
4. HAVE A DALE EARNHARDT TRIBUTE AT THE END OF EVERY LAP THAT'S A NUMBER DIVISIBLE BY THREE.
Not only will we all get to remember "The Intimidator," but also, many in the crowd will get the opportunity to improve their oft-neglected math skills.
5. BLINDFOLDED DRIVING.
Enough said.
6. MAKE ALL DRIVERS RUN THE LAST LAP.
There would be nothing more entertaining than watching the drivers try to sprint to finish line. After driving several hundred laps, the dehydrated and exhausted drivers would crash into themselves.
7. RANDOM SPECTATOR DODGE.
Every race, one "lucky" fan will be selected to run across the track during the race. If the fan makes it, he or she will receive a genuine collector's edition foam can holder depicting the NASCAR driver of his or her choice. If the fan doesn't make it, the driver gets ten bonus points.
8. BAN AIR WRENCHES FOR TIRE CHANGES.
This would be fun to watch. If a pit crew can change a car's tires with a manual wrench in less than 45 minutes, I'm Richard Petty.
9. NASCAR DANCERS.
Picture it, a group of slightly overweight, slightly intoxicated country girls with over-frizzed hair, Marlboro tank-tops, and cut-off jean shorts trying to dance together to the heavenly strains of Freebird. Then, try to imagine the slightly overweight, slightly intoxicated crowd trying to dance along with them. Two words: Pure Magic.
10. MORE POST-RACE BRAWLS.
These are always great, especially if Jeff Gordon is getting beaten up.