BillColrus.com

An Open Letter To Al Gore's Beard

from Enigma

Dear Al Gore's Beard,

I wish to offer my condolences upon hearing of your passing. What happened? Where did you go? Did you have a "falling out" with Al, or did he just sheepishly shave you off? I know a USA Today poll says that 62% of Americans favor Al without you, but I disagree. Ever since Al grew you in Spain last summer, you've been the only thing keeping Al's chin up since his disappointing defeat.

Does Al not realize how important you were? I mean, who was it that soaked up his tears when he continually thought about losing the election? You. And who was it that caught all the Cheezit crumbs that fell from Al’s mouth while he sat slumped on the couch for days on end, watching “Facts of Life” reruns? Yes, it was you, beard. Who was it that looked Al in the face while he looked into the bathroom mirror, practicing the acceptance speech that no one will ever hear? Again, it was you, beard. And who was it that hid Al’s sarcastic grin when he said, “George W. Bush is my commander in chief,” after our country was attacked last September. It was you, glorious beard.

With you, beard, Al could do anything. It was like you gave him magical powers. Instead of portraying a boring, bitter, and cold politician in a dark suit, you helped Al with his new role; a boring, bitter, and cold politician with a beard, sandals, and a Hawaiian shirt with the top button unbuttoned. Beard, if you’d been left alone, it would’ve only been a matter of time before Al took up Frisbee and mountain biking. And then, and only then, could he have achieved the inner peace he so craved.

Doesn’t Al realize that many successful men in world history have had beards? Merlin Olsen has one. So did Che Guevara, Karl Marx, and Lenin. Willie Nelson has a beard. And don’t forget Fidel Castro, Rasputin, ZZ Top, Stonewall Jackson, George Bernard Shaw, and Abraham Lincoln. I know Al’s wife didn’t like him, but Frank Zappa had a beard, and heck, even Osama Bin Laden has one. So why wouldn’t Al keep you, beard?

You could grow back couldn’t you? Yeah, that’s it! Beard, you have to grow back! Al is nothing without you! Don’t listen to the public. You are good for Al. Al never listens to anybody, but he listened to you. When the pundits said a beard was a bad idea, you stuck with him. When Al sat on the john and pondered his future, he stroked you, hoping you’d impart the wisdom he needed to move on. So, what happened? What did you say to him? It’s all so confusing.

Beard, with you, Al could look in the mirror and get a glimpse of his real self. Our new Santa Claus. If you would just talk to him, maybe he’d understand, and maybe he’d run again. It’s up to you, beard. Come back! Make Al’s dream a reality. Our country is depending on it. Well, the dumb ones anyway…

Hope to see you soon,

Bill Colrus

Posted by colrus at April 5, 2002 01:35 AM | TrackBack