I've realized that I've been trying to fool myself.
These past two years I've been ignoring a big part of me.
I've been ignoring memories, and wondering why I feel the way I do...which was a big mistake because the two are interrelated. Cause and effect so to speak.
I feel like I am coming into this age from a near-backwards perspective. Being 22, I'm looking around, seeing my friends already married, and wondering why I am not.
I am not in a hurry to get married, that would be stupid...
I believe that if you really love someone, and it is your heart's desire to marry, then there should never be any reason to rush, because marriage is forever. The whole point is to be together, right? And if you're together right now, what is the hurry? Besides taxes or something.
anyway:)
I've discovered that I have been cursed for being loyal. for trusting my mate when he told me he was being loyal, too.
I feel punishment for having hope, and believing in the good, for being too trustworthy?
It is a daily reminder, this little blue pill, and although it is something that I realize I shouldn't be worried about, I know it still affects.
Its due to this that I've realized I do not trust men.
All relations I had after my 4 year reverie I feel, if categorized, were attempts to believe in myself again. To prove something to me, deep down.
None of them were serious, none of them lasted, and some have remained acquaintances due to circumstance.
Why did all of this come up?
This past weekend I saw my ex.
It brought up a lot of feelings that I didn't realize were there,
and a heartfelt talk to my mother helped me realize that I had selective memory (for the good) as far as everything that happened.. and why I had to break up with him.
She told me several things, one of which saying that, "I was probably bothered by seeing him more than I realized," and the other, "All things equal, I would rather remember the good than the bad."
I hate to hold a grudge against someone.
Which is why I do not think it is necessarily against him, and why I've directed it towards myself.
Its easier to justify self-criticism.