Well, It's 5:11 am Tuesday morning, and I've been up for 2 hours. If this isn't the height of boredom, I don't know what is: I just watched an infomercial for a computer, and I went online with Dell.com to see if I could beat the infomercial price. The result? I built a comparable Dell (perhas better) for $100 bucks less. The funny thing though, was that the guy on the infomercial was going on and on about technology that anybody even remotely familiar with computers knows is no big deal, such as an optical mouse ("this mouse is so accurate, it actually uses a laser to track its movement!"). But must I really blog about the fact that infomercials are deceptive? Like I said, it's 5 am, and my brain isn't processing at a high enough frequency to discuss anything of consequence. I started to feel sick last night, and it apears that I am coming down with a bug that has afflicted the children in our apartment, including my daughter Abigail. I'm just waiting for my Vicotin to kick in so I can get some sleep.
In other news, I started class two weeks ago. Well, the qurter doesn't officially start until the 25th, but for now I'm attending lectures called Math Camp, a four week course designed to prepare new econ grad students for the mathematical rigor that they will face in the first year. I had been more or less keeping up until yesterday, when panic set in. I listened to a 2 hour lecture and understood maybe 20% of it. I then met with a study group and worked for an hour and a half on part "a" of a three part problem, wrote three pages of calculations, and I'm still not finished with that part of that part of part of a problem set, two of which are due on Friday.
I just can't figure out if I need to be a part of the class that turns in 20 neatly written (or, in one case that I saw, typed, with printed computer graphics) pages on the due date, or the other group that laughs at the very idea of finishing the set. In a sense, I don't want to be a part of either group, one of which doesn't seem to care whether they pass their prelims and leave in a year with a Master's, or the other group that is literally going to study day and night, every day, for the next year. I think I somehow need to strike a balance between the two, while at the same time benefitting from the collaboration that finding a study group can provide. I think that it would be best to find people that are jsut a bit more dilligent than I am, because I am so impressionable by the slackers. I'm struggling so hard to overcome the bad study habits that I have spent years developing. I have distinct memories of crying in front of my third grade teacher for having to tell her (again) that I did not do my homework. I was one of the best students in the class, and the combination of my ability to understand concepts without spanding much time practicing them, my tendency to blow off what needed to be done for what I wanted to do, and my parents' tendency to tolerate it, I developed the worst study habits of anyone in the top half of their class. I started settling for mediocrity in high school, and didn't really begin to reverse that trend until I got married, started seminary, and ultimately, decided I needed to get into a good econ program. At that point being at the top of my class was a necessity, and I rose to the challenge in spite of myself. This, however, is a new chapter entirely. Even with my "new and improved" study habits, I have a long way to go to catch up with my colleagues, at least 50% of which will not make it past the first year, if past years are any indication. I did not, however, move myself, my wife, and my daughter to California after two years of preparation for grad school to flunk out after a year. I'm in it for the long haul. So there.
Posted by Matthew Pearson at September 16, 2003 05:59 AM | TrackBackMan, I hear your pain. The sad thing you're going to learn is that as much as you wish there was a third group - one between the people who don't give a shit and the ones who are killing themselves - there isn't. Those are the only two groups. And what you're going to fight against for the next five years is that, in the end, you really really really need to be in the first group, but unless your a genius, your family constraints are going to make it very hard.
But, feel good about this - if you understood 20% of that lecture, you understood about 15% more than I ever did in my math class. I got an A in it miraculously, but only because he gave takehome exams that literally required I spend a minimum of forty hours working on them.
The thing about these classes - you really won't understand much of your lectures for a while. At least, you wo'nt if your experience is anywhere similar to my experience. You're going to learn this stuff through doing the problem sets, through studying, and never in the classroom. Every now and then, if you are prepared for class, something will make a lot of sense. For instance, the days following the duedates for my problem sets tended to be the most illuminatnig for me, because on those days, I was pulling all nighters and reading Romer into the night trying to understand what we were doing.
I'm still trying to figure out if the second year is worse or better than the first. I thought it would be all smooth sailing after passing the prelim. The prelim weeded out all the B students, except for me, and two of the straight A students. Now everyone left are the straight A students and me. I originally thought that my passsing the prelim meant something. Like maybe it meant I was finally as good as the smartest in the class. But I don't think it actually meant anything except that I luckily passed the exam, by the grace of God, and sm still here. But here I am, a year later, and I still am struggling to figure out the big picture of this stuff.
I was asking Paige about this other night. I said, "do you think that other programs are like this? I mean, I honestly cannot understand the articles I'm supposed to read for my labor class. I rarely understood a word we're doing." And she said it was the same thing for her in her masters program. She said it's mainly just academia, in general. At this level, it becomes so excruciatingly technical that you end up wanting to cry a lot. That feeling you had as a third grader, crying to your teacher - I feel like that pretty much everyday. The only guys left in my program are four Asian students, who are of course positively brilliant, and two other American students. One of them has his masters in econ from Tufts, and a double major in math/econ. He continually makes comments about how easy this all is, which makes me want to strangle him. The other guy was his valedvictorain and is getting a simultaneous JD/PhD. And he sleeps in every class, starts studying for the prelim a few days before the exam, and always gets As and aces the prelim. I had to literally study ten hours a day for five weeks straight to pass that prelim, and it was honestly not until five days before the exam that I actually understood what Micro II was about. In other words, it's a realy alienating feeling to be me around these people. I love all the people left in the program, and was realy sad to say goodbye to several of the people that left, but I don't feel a lot of comfort simply because I passed. It's hard being in this program and on top of that having a family. You're going to experience marital stress and school stress in a way you really didn't think was ever possible. I laid on the floor Monday morning after Paige and Miles left, just staring at the ceiling. I had made myself sick grading my students' homework assignments over the weekend, and Paige and I had had a bad fight the night before about how little she saw me, and how much more she needed me aruond to help with Miles. And it hit me - I'm only in my second year, and I want to quit so badly. But then I think, seriously - where can I go? I mean, if I quit, then what? The truth is, we burned a lot of bridges to come here, and so I need to get this PhD. It's not a matter of pride, either. I think we have to suffer in the shortrun so that I can provide for us in the longrun. But the sacrifices sometimes are almost overwhelming.
Anyway, call me if you get too discouraged and we can talk. I think you're at a normal place.
Posted by: scott cunningham at September 17, 2003 07:01 AMWeird. I had that same bug, too. I couldn't sleep all night, and I had diahrea. My wife had vomiting, and also couldn't sleep. Miles didn't get it thankfully. I can't imagine how bad it would've been with a two-year feeling sick and being unable to sleep a wink all night. Is Abigail feeling better?
Posted by: scott cunningham at September 17, 2003 01:43 PMWell, after reading Scott's comments, I can now safely say that I will never EVER puruse a PhD. Thanks, Scotty!
Posted by: andy patton at September 18, 2003 03:57 AM...or pursue
Posted by: andy patton at September 18, 2003 03:57 AMI hear law school isn't any easier, though, buddy.
Posted by: scott cunningham at September 19, 2003 07:48 AMRead what you wrote during web-surfing on a Friday night -- despite tons of school work and a social gathering awaiting for me... I am a first year Ph.D. student in UCSD. Perhaps there's too much work that paralzing my ability to get anything done. I FEEL your pain. Hope your grad school experience is getting better. As for me, life's been downhill since the end of math camp... (The idea that grad school is my life just hit me, and I somehow hate it so much.)
PS: Your daughter is so ADORABLE. She makes your life beyond your classes, library, and office worthwhile.
Posted by: Kwanhang at November 14, 2003 06:54 PMI was just wondering if you have taken your first year qual's yet? If not, good luck, answer this message when you have finished and tell me how it went. If you have taken them, I hope you do well. I will always remember the first post I read of yours "Insomnia and Grad School (unrelated topics)", I was wondering if you could write a retrospective of your first year. Did you end up in group one or group two...were you able to create a thrid group? How hard was balancing family, school, and social lives; espoecially in the last month. I loook forward to your thoughts on these matters.
Posted by: Chris Silvey at June 8, 2004 11:14 AM