A Jeep In Summer

I Am Capable Of Responding

It isn't just the social aspect that I'm bloggin' about. Well, maybe that's where it starts. It's hard to feel part of a community of brothers and sisters when noone really has motivation to speak to you. And so, when I'm bein' needy and want to lay some hard stuff on the table, when I need help, there's a boundary. A wall. A hedge of thorns. (Yo yo, go HOSEA!)

And you know, the hard moments are when you grow. If there ain't no hard moments, there ain't no iron sharpening iron.

And part of my perception is that someone could look like they're doing OK, show up for church twice on Sundays, for Bible study, for prayer meeting, and sing in the choir but still be DYIN' inside. Or at least in grave danger. And it shouldn't be like that in a congregation that prides itself on being involved in each other's lives.

Just so ya'll know, this is an ongoing discussion with He Who Preaches Mightily. Also known as--Kevin.

Affirmaton: my church is the best manifestation of the church that I've found in this town. I love 'em. And I ain't gonna leave anytime soon.

But all times are soon to Aslan.

Today's Question

Ok, how is it possible for a guy who wants to invest in a church community, a church that prides itself on doing hospitality well, to feel so disconnected from that community?

I mean, when you say 'community' you might as well be saying 'left out.'

If you go to my church, feel free to comment. If you don't go to my church, feel free to comment.

Insight

Which book of the Bible are you?
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Just Another Manic Monday

"The nature of things is that if they don't get lost, they get stolen, and if they don't get stolen, they get broken, and if they don't get broken, they fade or fall apart. This law applies to teacups, cars, people, sweaters, pets, computers, earrings, and just about everything you can touch or buy or have."

Geneen Roth, quoted from Torah.org

But I stole it from David Morris's blog.

Vicente Huidobro 1893-1948

from Altazor

How did you lose your first serenity?
What evil angel landed at your gate your smile
With sword in hand?
Who planted anguish in the plains inside your eyes a god's adornment?

...

Tune up the dawn's motor
While I sit at the edge of my eyes
And click off the entry of images

Like A Flower To The Rain

A random encounter in the library led to a dinner invitation, with people from church that I'd never hung with before. Tortillas. No beer, though. The Alabama/Tennessee game. Quintuple overtime. Chocolate cake and some Greyfriar's decaf. And playing with the kids.

The two year old kept running from the front door into my arms. So I'd lift him up or flip him around or just tickle him, saying, I got me a little boy. They say that kids can tell if you're a trustworthy person, a person who loves kids, loves them with all you've got in you. So maybe they run into your arms or they go to the other side of the room. Usually I get down on the floor, to their level. Just start playing, ask them what they're doing. Enter into the moment.

I tell you, it heals something in me to have a kid in my arms. I wasn't there for the conversation, but it was reported to me that I was walking around church with someone's child, and one of my friends said, 'You know, Mike just has this huge love for kids, it's like he likes to hold my baby more than I do. He just has something in his heart that loves.' The rest of the conversation was about how I don't have what's necessary to have progeny of my own--a wife.

So in one sense I have one thing that is necessary, but not the other thing.

But in the end all that is necessary will be provided or cease to matter. I will be able to run across the countryside without breathing hard, I will be able to swim up waterfalls, I will be able to see all things clearly and not as if I'm peering through a grimy window. The shadowlands will be only shadows that were temporary, and the great holiday will have begun. All train wrecks will be over, forever.

In the meantime, good night and sleep well, little two year old boy. God be with you. God protect you. May you live another day to run into my waiting arms.

Baby Save Up All Your Tears, You Might Need Them Somday

Have been spending a good amount of time immersed in books. (Am I trying to do my own little reality escape? Probably.) I'd kind of forsaken reading for the last couple of months, but now there's more time to do it. It sure beats obsessing about whether I'm making the right decision, feeling paralyzed by circumstances, pining after some alternate version of reality, or doing the dishes. Oh, the angst.

It's OK to spend some time in the world of ideas, taking a short vacation from the intensity of relationships. I'm re-finding my balance, digging through some of the ephemeral stuff, getting down to the core. Rediscovering the tearing power of metaphor. As our old pal Picasso said, 'Art is a lie which tells the truth.'

I'm regaining the power of living from thought, rather than living by reacting.

I tend to switch between a lot of books. I'm beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me--I'll go straight from a collection of postmodern twentieth century poetry (I'm a sucker for huge compendiums like that) to a biography of John Calvin. Seems like that would produce some sort of insanity. Just like there's gotta be something wrong with someone who loves the music of Beethoven and the music of Cher...

And now I'm reading TWO different translations of The Institutes of the Christian Religion!

Toni Morrison makes me sweat with her ripping of the division between the reality we usually see and the reality we usually don't see.

John Calvin makes me reel from the power of truth. I stand in the violent flood of grace and mercy. Oh God, let my sin wash away. Let my damaged feet follow you.

You Have Just Accessed The Beautiful Experience

Found all my Prince cd's. Currently uploading them into my iMac.

"You got no reason to ever be shy
'Cause honey this kind of beauty is the kind
That comes from inside"

I think my housemates are gonna dislike me for a while. Oh well. If this is what I have to do to get out of the mental place I'm in, can you bear with me for a while? I may be singing 'let's go crazy' but I'll come back after a while.

"There's an ocean of despair
There are people livin' there
They're unhappy each and every day
Heaven's not a fashion, so whatcha tryin' to say"

'Respectable' Part Time Work

Just found out that I'm probably gonna teach a section of Global Trends next semester. Oh yeah. I've been wanting to get back in the classroom, hopefully this class won't meet at 8 in the morning.

So you can expect me to blog about the state of the world on some sort of frequent basis. Won't that be a refreshing change from blogging about the state of me? I sure as heck think so.

This One's For Lang

That we may show our love improperly, I readily grant; but that we can love one another too much, I utterly deny, provided only it be in subserviency to the love of God. I think I have explained to you that word fervently ('see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently'): its precise meaning is intensely. No two words in any two languages more exactly agree than 'intensely' does with the original. If then our love be with a pure heart, this alone were sufficient to establish the point. But I am anxious to convey to you more fully my views of this matter, because as God himself is love, I think that the more intensely I love those who are beloved of him, the more I think I resemble him. The proper model for our love to each other is Christ's love to us. If you will not fall short of that, I have no fear of your exceeding it. We are required to lay down our lives for the brethren. We shall not readily exceed that. The union that should subsist between the saints should resemble, as far as possible, the love that subsists betwen God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ. How then can we fear excess?...

Perhaps you will say, my grief is, that my love generates disquietude when those who are dear to me are ill; and this is an evidence that my love is idolatrous, and not truly Christian. Then what will you say to Paul, who confesses, 'he had no rest in his spirit because he found not Titus his brother?' Christianity does not encourage apathy: it is to regulate, not to eradicate our affections. It admits to their full operation, but tempers them as to their measure, and sanctifies them to the Lord.

But I will not delay this, that I may show at least, that if love be a crime, there are few more guilty than your friend.

--Charles Simeon, 1835

A Book

The sixth book written, you're nevertheless the first chronologically. You not only describe the creation of Narnia and tell where the White Witch, the lampost and the wardrobe came from, you get to bounce between worlds with the help of Uncle Andrew's weird magic rings.

Find out which Chronicles of Narnia book you are.

Two Shots Of Happy

1. Fall break is comin' up. I'm goin' to VIRGINIA!!!!!!!

2. Tomorrow is Thursday and someone else is makin' dinner.

One Shot Of Sad

So at about 11:30 Saturday morning I dropped off the box of stuff to be delivered back to her. A cooler, some books, triathlon training magazines, a CD. And I almost cried but instead swallowed hard, faced up to my responsibility and my decision one more time, and drew a cup of coffee from an almost empty pot at Greyfriar's. I stood looking at the street and said to my friend, "I don't know why this is so difficult." "Well, you did, for the last four months, have a friendship and for the last month, a relationship. And now it's gone."

I apologize to everyone else that I talked to at the coffee shop. I was extremely on the edge and I just couldn't make it to the point of normal civility. I wasn't being a normal human being. Of course, lots of people would say, Ok, when ARE you normal?

Some days the only place I find any sort of normality in my life is in the gaze of God. I can't find it from the feedback of the people around me, even if they're saying they're my brothers and sisters in Christ. Their gaze, their glances just aren't helpful or affirming--there's too much pity. (Poor guy--still single. And oh wow, he has a bad relationship with his dad. You know what, that doesn't always mean what you THINK IT DOES! In any large city, in many other communities, I fit into the social norm.) They don't help me stand where I need to. They don't help me walk a harder road than they might have to follow. They don't help me see or think about what is somewhere down the road. They don't ask me what I need. They're kind of, "You know, I'm going to go pray that the marriages in our church will be strong and that that will be our witness to the community around us." That's a great prayer. I love that prayer. I pray it too. But at some point I need you to pray for me. I also have responsibilities. I also am called to be faithful and obedient and to care mightily for the people God puts in my life--students, housemates, co-workers. So what if they're not spouse or child? That does not invalidate my calling. To them. In their life.

Yeah, I also am called to be faithful and obedient. And it is just as hard for me as it is for you, even though the circumstances of life might vary quite drastically. I will pray for you. Will you pray for me?

Yes, I'm venting. And I'm speaking in sweeping generalities. There are amazing exceptions. You know who you are. I count on you to help me live in reality, and I need you to help me be who I am. You put my heart in motion, you make me laugh and cry. I need you. Please don't go away.

I Knew It

Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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Thought I'd Died

I am in food heaven. I just had a pizza croissant pocket because I was hungry (I am always hungry, must be the lifting and swimming) and when I opened the freezer to deposit the remaining c.p., saw the rest of the million dollar chocolate mousse that O made last Friday. So I had a piece of that too. I'm sure that my little late night burst of energy will soon be supplemented by sucrose hysteria. Great. This is what I get for having meetings at 9 pm at night! Cravings. I guess I'm glad I didn't buy the half dozen Krispy Kremes I was contemplating.

Instant Coffee

When every winged thing
was falling for sweetness
     in my cup,
in the last dregs of light
at the end of a sunset dock,
     I gave up
and poured it in the lake,
and watched that cloud of cream
     expand and hold
an instant in the dark water,
before summer knelt
     into the cold,
dispersing her bright crystals.

Patrick Donnelly
The Yale Review
Volume 91, Number 4
October 2003

Clive Staples Lewis

"I ended my first book with the words 'no answer.' I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"

Please Use Both Hands

"So, you're batchin' it, huh?" She said it with a smile and I know she meant well. I mean, only if you're doing a really good job at protecting your heart do you get to a certain advanced age without having someone break up with you or doing someone wrong by breaking up with them. And she and I both know what it means to look at possibility and potential and then have your road go to a different place. It was the comaraderie of heartbreak.

Yes, I have rejoined the ranks of those without significant others. Hi. I didn't forget you while I was away. Did you forget me? I've got my serial number here somewhere...and I can't remember my rank. Do I get demoted? Hope not, I want the same rights and responsibilities I had before.

So I'll take that smile for what it means and laugh as best as I can. Humor is the tabasco sauce of life, right?

I'll raise my coffee in salute to what was and what will be. I will cling to Jesus with the strength I have and the strength I don't have. (I'm holding on to faith with both hands.) And then I'll go blog about roads and conversations and serving God and think that I really should write in my journal instead of writing all these entries and not posting them.

Genuine

"We are not meant to be seen as God's perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of his grace. Drudgery is the test of genuine character. The greatest hindrance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do."

Oswald Chambers