A Jeep In Summer

Another Book Review

Apparently my Amy Grant book review was delightful, and the publishing company asked me to do another review. I didn't really read their email, just shot back a reply saying yeah, sign me up.

When I got the book in the mail I thought, I can't do this, it's one of those parenting books, I don't have time, I don't want to think about having made decisions that make me exactly the wrong kind of person to appreciate or need or want this book, I don't want to think about that kid-shaped hole in my life that sometimes overwhelms me and I don't have time to spend hours in counseling, I don't need this advice, and the cover looks really cheesy. I just can't read a book called For Parents Only. I'm NOT a parent.

But you know what? I spend all day with thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen year olds. Maybe I do need to read this book. When I tell people that I teach eighth grade English, they sometimes look at me with real pity, but I love working with that age group. They have a ton of energy; sometimes they have too much. They're changing, they're figuring out who they are and what's important. That's a good time to be a good teacher. (I'm not sure I'm a good teacher yet, but that is a blog post all its own.)

So here we are. How to deal with your teenager. Here's what two writers, who are moms, found out when they started asking questions and doing research.

Feldhahn and Rice (hereafter known as Shaunti and Lisa, just because "Shaunti" is so fun to say/write) begin and end with this Hebrew proverb:

"Happy the generation where the great listen to the small, for it follows that in such a generation the small will listen to the great."

Listening and the ability to listen and respect are mutual. There's got to be reciprocity. About once every two weeks I tell my kids that they have to meet me halfway. "I'll go to this particular point if you'll meet me there." I'm not sure that all of us in my classroom have gotten to that point, but maybe I have with some individual kids.

Shaunti and Lisa kick off the party by saying that kids are rebels with a cause and they are absolutely addicted to an intoxicating agent called freedom. They need, they crave it, they burst out of their houses and out of school at the end of the day and the end of the school year claiming their freedom. We give it to them with cars and cell phones and myspace pages and text messages. "The intoxicating nature of freedom--and the fear of losing it--can lead even good kids to choices that look like recklessness and rebellion, but directly addressing their craving for independence will help them build responsibility." Kids want to "control their own possessions, stay up late, sleep over at any friend's house whenever they want, eat or drink whatever they want, drive where they want at the speed they want, and generally make their own choices apart from even the most well-intentioned parents." Remember that?

Do you also remember the craziness and fights and subterfuge and pouting and grounding you went through to get it? That's part of why being a teenager in America is HARD--not only are the hormones changing you, you're struggling to find out who you are apart from your family and parents (when pretty much all that you know, for instance your values and your experiences, COMES FROM YOUR PARENTS).

As Shaunti and Lisa say later in the book, teenagers are having to rebuild the castle of themselves and the only building blocks they have come from their parents and family. They also say, you need to give your kids some room and some grace if they go find other building blocks.

I don't have a graceful transition here...but I found their five facts of freedom (oh I love me some alliteration) to be helpful:
1. Freedom wields a greater influence than parents or peers.
2. Under the influence of freedom, kids may do stupid things.
3. Kids deeply fear losing their freedom.
4. Teens will do anything to get freedom and avoid losing it--including deceiving themselves and you.
5. Ironically, too much freedom can be scary, and our kids want to involve us in their quest.

It also helps to know what parents and teachers and authority figures have suspected and believed ever since there have been teenagers--their brains aren't all there yet! There is scientific proof that the frontal lobes of teenagers aren't fully developed until they get to be about nineteen or twenty years old. Because the frontal lobe helps us think logically, teenagers are still using and relying on the more emotional parts of their brain. Hmm. Dadgum grey matter.

Some stuff that I found in the last chapter has me rethinking how I act in my classroom. "Guys most want to be recognized for what they do, and they most fear failure; girls most want to be valued for who they are, and they most fear rejection." Guys need respect and girls need to be valued.

I realize that I probably use my "death stare," that look which communicates contempt and condescension, far too often. All you have to do is "cross your arms over your chest, put your weight on your back leg, and raise your eyebrows in disbelief." It's easy. (You know how to do it as well as I do even if you're not trying to control a class full of teenagers who need to talk and don't want to sit still all day long.) It's a lethal gesture. I don't want to make those kids ashamed, even if they are acting like second graders. So I have to figure out new strategies for working with those students--I have to figure out how to encourage them and get them focused on their work without being cruel.

So, Shaunti and Lisa, I hate to tell ya, but people other than parents are reading your book. Hope that doesn't offend you too much. Thanks for giving me a quick tour through the head of the typical American teenager...if there is such a thing. It's gonna help me to not treat my students as typical, and help me react to them instead of overreact.

You can read another review of the book here.

A little bit about the Authors:

Shaunti Feldhahnn is the author of For Women Only and numerous other books, with sales totaling nearly one million copies. A nationally syndicated newspaper columnist and public speaker, Feldhahn earned her master’s degree at Harvard University. She and her husband, Jeff, have two young children.

Lisa A. Rice is the associate editor of Christian Living magazine, the mother of two teenage girls, and a screenwriter and producer.

Posted by mike at November 29, 2007 08:11 PM