My ex-housemate's favorite colour is orange, and I let him paint the window trim in (and the door to) his room orange. It was a great effect, put on with a wire brush, a splash of what-is-that, some intensity among the white and blue.
And now I'm taking it off. (New housemate can't stand it.) Which, with a power sander, is fun. But I'm thinking about who put it on for him, and this tiny community in which I'm friends with both of them. In very separate ways and very separate times.
And here's the kicker. I'm erasing the specific mark that he put in my house, the dwelling which I think of as the temporary permanent place where I belong. I can't really tell you what it's like--he's moved on to a new apartment, a new life, a wife. I kind of feel stuck here, picking up the pieces. Scratching the paint off. Searching for a bit of renewal. Looking for the new; the new what? Friend, circadian rhythm, book to read, maybe a new drink. And yeah, I'm kind of despairing. There's nothing new to my life. Just old sin, ancient ways of covering it, familiar aches, routine conversations.
I know that erasing most of the orange paint and covering it over with new and fresh white shouldn't be a huge emotional deal, but this is one small late-coming manifestation of this season of change. I hope it's the last one of this season. I know I shouldn't be feeling this much, but I think it's better than feeling nothing. At least I'm listening.
Posted by mike at September 12, 2004 05:12 PMso, if you are feeling orange in this analogy...you're feeling chipped and peeling and sandblasted and discarded and dispensable and replaceable?
mmm. :(
Posted by: joy at September 12, 2004 11:57 PMit sounds to me that the orange feeling is the good one among the other feelings. orange-is the new, the spark.
thanks for sharing this.
mike, it's too bad you've gone to bed already. cuz you have a hug coming from yours truly. you're not weird! feeling that way is normal.
Posted by: bob at September 14, 2004 11:27 PMand tell me if you need any help finding a new drink.
Posted by: bob at September 14, 2004 11:28 PMi really like this post.
Posted by: amy at September 14, 2004 11:31 PMReally good post.
And think of it this way ... the fresh white paint may just be that much-needed new thing in your life. A new chapter, a new sunrise, a new perspective, a new, clean start. The old orange paint and even the decision to put it there -- that led to this moment, and the presence of the new white paint, and the decisions that lie ahead for you. The white provides a canvas on which you can add the colors of your own life.
Posted by: Krista at September 15, 2004 01:56 PM