Last night M told J to 'say goodnight to Mr. Mike.' He came up the three steps from the living room to the hall/entry, and I picked him up for a hug. Then he laid his head on my shoulder, it was late and he was a tired guy, and I thought, I'm just going to go put you in bed. I walked down the hall, laid him on his bed, and kissed his forehead.
I had to leave him there, get in my car, and drive home. 'Ok, don't cry, be happy that there is a great 3 year old in your life.'
Yeah, I may never have kids. And that's got to be OK. I can't stay in that awful place where I despair, where I find my identity in my circumstances instead of God, where I fail to love God, where I cannot see the work he has for me. I must not be blinded or blindsided by myself, by the happiness or contentment of others, by loneliness, by lust, by things that might seem so important but would prevent me from serving God.
Posted by mike at July 6, 2004 12:23 PMThe Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson.
reading it now. and my heart says to encourage you to pick it up.
Tim
Um, not sure I can read anything by the guy who wrote _Prayer of Jabez_...
What I need is someone to call me up and say, Hey, I found your wife, where do you want me to put her until you get here?
But I don't have that kind of support system. That's OK too. Really.
Posted by: jeep at July 8, 2004 02:29 PMMike, I'll let you in on a little secret. Seeking, finding, and holding onto contentment is a problem for ALL Christians, including the married ones. You're not alone in your struggle!
Posted by: Shannon at July 9, 2004 10:10 AMShannon, yeah, I get that. I have too many married friends to not get it. =) But, when the only model for Christian living that's held up to you is the big M (sometimes referred to by one friend as 'that paradisical state of being') that does add a wicked little knife twist to the daily challenges and sorrows of life on one's own. For one thing, there's the perceived daily failure of not bein' hitched. That doesn't hit every day, but certainly at church social functions: 'Are you going to the 4th of July picnic tonight?' 'Uh, no, let me gracefully change the topic.'
I completely value the freedoms and compensatory privileges. I'm off to Europe in a week and a half. I can do laundry anytime. And right now Marc Cohn is blasting through the house. And could keep blasting until 2 or 3 am if I so desire. =)
And I'm so available. If anyone called, needing whatever I can give, I'd be out of here in about 2 seconds.
Also, time for prayer. That's really precious right now.
Posted by: jeep at July 9, 2004 08:07 PMthat 3-year old sure loves Mr. Mike
Posted by: brian at July 13, 2004 01:48 PMi love that - will you see if they can put my husband up for me, while they're at it?
my cousin and her two toddlers (2.5 and 1) just moved in with me this weekend. most of me is happy to be able to offer a place for them, but there is a part of me creeping in - you're 26...you don't have kids of your own...you're just playing mom because you'll never get to do it for real...they will leave you soon and you'll be all alone again...
and i hate that part of me. i want to trust that God knows what He's doing, and that it will all happen when it is supposed to. but what if it doesn't? does my doubt push the day when i find my husband farther and farther away?
argh. so here i am - empathizing with you. i hope it all gets better for us.
Posted by: steph at July 13, 2004 07:16 PM