A Jeep In Summer

Up On My Soapbox, Responding

Ok. I have more thoughts than this, but it's late and I'm not too coherent.

Not too long ago I was on the floor crying, saying, praying 'God, you have three options. You can tell me my work is finished and take me home, and that's what I want most. Or you can take away all my desire for intimacy and companionship so that I can function. Or you can just let me go. 'Cause this valley of trouble sure ain't turning into a door of hope.'

But the appropriate response was to sit up, grab one more Kleenex, and say, 'OK, I don't get it, but here I am. God, where do you want me to go and how do you want me to serve you?'

In the end, in the final analysis, in the eyes of God, it is not going to matter whether I was married or not. God's gonna care about how I served him. (When I get to see Jesus, I just want to grab onto him and cry and say, 'I loved you the best I could. I know it's not enough, and I love you for that too.')

Granted, I don't know what that servitude looks like. Somedays I think I'm going to start an evangelical Protestant monastery. I think part of my problem is that there's no good current paradigm for single Christians. And I also think that the church has way lost and forgotten its mission--we don't sacrifice to reach the unsaved. Maybe this is a sacrifice I get to make. I sure don't like it, especially when my housemates show up all happy. As they should be.

Brother, embrace the moment, set your hand to the work that God has given you for today, look at your Lord, not at the ocean of loneliness. Set your hand to the work, love the Lord your God with all of your heart, your soul, and your mind, and see what happens.

I can tell you what happened to me. I got dumped. (I take heaps of responsibility for that ending.) Then I immediately got to go be in the wedding of one of my best friends in the world. I thought that I'd be crying any possible moment in the weekend. I should've been. I didn't. I was able to be present in the moment, happy and solemn, a witness to amazing vows. Standing there, holding my 16 month old niece during 'Butterfly Kisses' at the rehearsal dinner, I should've completely broken down thinking that I'd never have that. But I think God is teaching me that I may never have a perfect, gorgeous wedding. I may never have a rehearsal dinner (or any occasion but my memorial service) that celebrates me, where people talk about what a great friend, son, brother I am. 'But I have something for you to do that is so wild and wonderful you can't even imagine it.'

Part of it comes from knowing that I'm a child of God, that he has wooed me and claimed me and he ain't ever gonna let me go. Part of it comes from growing up. Part of it comes from living in reality.

Brother, live in reality. Seek God. With fasting and prayer if necessary. With other brothers if necessary.

Do not give in to isolation. The enemy wants us to think we're all alone. He wants to divide and conquer. Our Lord calls us to be in relationship with him and with our fellow churchmen and churchwomen, as well as the unbelievers around us.

My house is now empty, the housemates are gone. But I am not isolated. God has blessed me with friends I can call at 3 am. With friends that need me to take them out to dinner. With brothers and sisters in Christ who listen and don't care if I cry one more time and don't turn away when I say, I'm scared that I'm going to need you too much. And you know what? They're all married. Funny, isn't it? But they love me beyond my expectations.

Brother, don't fall. Don't give up, keep pressing on toward God. Walk on. And let our Lord love you beyond your expectations.

For more material, see this entry at karagraphy, and John Piper's foreword to Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

Posted by mike at July 1, 2004 01:39 AM