A Jeep In Summer

Thanks For Writing

Did you cry your eyes out, or are you too numb for that now?

I think there are some good and heartfelt pleas that your friends could make to you. I think a characterization of you as selfish is not too far off base. I am not, however, sure that you are manifesting your natural self-absorption (and I say that knowing we are all guilty of it, not that you are special in this way) in your relationship.

Let me also say that it is hard, very very difficult, to be self-sacrificing
and loving and serving toward others when you are single. I have found that
I have much much more time to do the "serving in the church, listening to
mentors, helping those in need" stuff now that I am married, even as a new
mom. The loneliness and desperation that one occasionally, sometimes
perpetually feels while searching for a mate (and M. had it much worse
than you do, I guarantee it) can break a person down and cause him to ask
"My God, why have you forgotten me?" I do not, nor have I ever, felt that
your search for a wife was a bad thing in itself. If you are doing it for
selfish reasons (and you alone are the one who knows that) you need to
repent and believe the gospel unto your own salvation. I do it every day,
because there's always someplace I am in disbelief and need God's
forgiveness. Change is possible, even probable, no, guaranteed, when Jesus
loves us and makes us His own. I believe that and it is K.'s only hope. As well as yours.

I would not actually say many of the blunt and harsh accusations. But since they’ve been laid at your feet, just ask yourself the questions, answer them truthfully, repent of any wrongdoing or sinful attitudes, and move forward. It's stupid to think that if things aren't all in place now, they can't be put right.

L and O? M. and me? A.? Your sisters? S. and J.? We love you and we are not nobody. P. has every right to say whatever she wants as an old lady in the faith and you can understand her concern too (mama wants perfection for her surrogate son).

Something J. told me once--"stop trying to justify yourself. Jesus already did it. Rejoice, therefore." I do not think you are self-justifying any more than the accusations call for, but if you did completely stop...the ringing in your ears might stop too. Sit your butt down on Jesus' high shoulders and let Him walk. You don't need to do anything except repent, believe, and love that woman and the people around you in the best way possible...all of which can only happen as you rest with your feet over the edge smiling and knowing that He is doing more for you than you can ask or imagine. It's beautiful even if it ends badly. It's beautiful and redemptive, my friend.

The edge is that place where those who are in desperate need of the gospel live. We all should be there.