I have far too much to write about the past week, and I can't decide whether I should summarize or simply take one element at a time.
Oh well. Here I go.
I drove up to Cincinatti on Tuesday, arriving at LBB's house at about 5. We sat around and played with the baby 'til her husband got home, then he ate and we continued to talk. Finally we got hungry and had some yummy mushroom ravioli pasta while we were watching only the new and revised scenes from The Two Towers.
Wednesday I went to swim and then cooked some biscuits and sausage for breakfast and then we headed out to the Gap/Old Navy/Banana Republic outlet where I scored two pairs of pants for $7 and a beautiful blue shirt for $5. Then we cooked Thanksgiving dinner with two of LBB's friends from Cinci. We ate a full scale full tilt Thanksgiving feast at about 7--turkey and stuffing, fresh cranberry sauce, 'green stuff', mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, vino, apricot pie, pecan pie, fresh whipped cream, Greyfriar's coffee.
{Please check this channel later for in-between details}
As we were driving home, soaring down the roads of Ohio with AD doing the awesome driving thing, my sister called.
"Hey sweetie, how're you?" "Are you driving or riding?" "I'm riding, what's up?" "Our cousin Alan killed himself last night."
I hadn't seen Alan in, probably, 15 years. So his death doesn't really affect my daily life. But I am sorrowful for his family.
Hearing about Alan's death was a really bizarre experience, because LBB was with me. Years and years ago she and I were hanging out in the Irish pub in Hamburg, Germany when I received word that my cousin Rose had died. So she was with me both times.
I guess that kind of shows you how long a friendship we have.
So I drove home from Ohio Sunday morning, stopped for a haircut, unpacked my dirty clothes, and drove to Alabama for the funeral home visitation Sunday evening. My dad has lots of siblings, and lots of them were there. At least one of the group wasn't sober. It was exceedingly odd to see all those people. I was kind of apprehensive about seeing this whole family that I feel very disconnected from. I didn't want to see my dad. But I walked in and realized that they were glad to see me. I also realized how much strength I've gained in the time I've been away.
I know that some of that strength comes from battling and overcoming what they would love to hand down to me--psychosis, sinful behavior, isolation. Some of that strength comes from just being who I am. Some of the strength comes from my faith and my position as a child of God.
So what do I owe them? Am I responsible for them in any way?
Posted by mike at December 1, 2003 07:53 PMI've had VERY similar experiences, and when you ask "What Do I Owe Them?", I can only say, you owe them an invitation to the Lord, if they don't know him already.
I'm not saying it's easy to do. I'm just saying there are seldom better times to lead people to him.
Posted by: bill colrus at December 1, 2003 11:14 PMWhen are you going to update about the in-between details?
Posted by: Krista at December 3, 2003 05:50 PMCleveland Rocks!!!
Posted by: LBB at December 4, 2003 08:31 AMWhat do you mean, when you ask, "Am I responsible?"
I can guess at, "So what do I owe them"
A guess: You have something that they don't.
Namely, a fairly balanced even-keel life.
Something that is to be desired.
Do they want anything that you have?
Were you asked, "Mike, how come you are so-with it?" How come you turned out so much better than the rest of us. You are so different,You have something I don't--What in the world is it, and how do i get it? How did you get it? Can I get it?
etc.
But when you have something that is to be desired, that the other part- is not willing to work for per se- but they KNOW, that if they wanted to/were willing to actually change, that they could have it too-but for some reason are unwilling to change.---
Then they resent you.
and that RESENTMENT- Is what you (my guess) felt from them. you felt/sensed their resentment of you that (He thinks he is so much better than us, or -whatever)
So. The above is right about sharing the gospel. It is a responsibility, BUT it is also a very precious GIFT, You can make yourself available to them. How can you make yourself available to them to (if willing) let you serve them.
When you made yourself available to me, you compassion--as a result of your compassion- I was confronted with myself, with things in my life that I did not want to change. (Shutter-Shutter)
Remember what I said about self-love and being able to love others? Yeah. Uh-Uh. How can I properly recieve YOUR love/affection/compassion- when I am in a constant struggle/fight to like myself? (this is present tense, but the time has passed)
You and I once had a very heated discussion about something very critical and important in life.
Maybe it was not really -a fight- but you pointed out/suggested a few things in my life that, maybe it would be a good idea to-work on.
like, being organized. or something. it had to do with how I should handle/manage my (clean/dirty)clothes. (if this is too personal for your blog, feel free to edit)(note that you mentioned to the world that you just washed your clothes)--
Anyway!! * Point being. I did not want to change. I did not even want to recognize the need to change. I refused to admit that-I just did not want to change. Change hurts.
And your compassion prompted me-pre-empted that, and the faults were before me. I could not run my life with any focus or order. and it was extremely discouraging and frustrating(words I seldom speak or use anymore-)
I'm not pefect yet, but I thank you. I thank you for the impact you have had. I also would like to thank you for whatever correspondence that you had with my father. via written or telephone.
NOw.
Did you owe me anything? absolultely not, but you did give a lot-
Were you responsible? No. Everyman is responsible for his own decisions of attitude and actions.
Perhaps you may have felt responsible...perhaps i could have blamed you. but I now realize,
If it is to be - it is up to me.
Okay, Long, "Comment" But here is a riddle for you that may bring you back to a moment in time where we had a very difficult conversation. I have changed a lot, and something I'm still getting better on-clothes being one- that is still getting better. I'm still not perfect yet.
But I'm hurrying up.
Who Am I?
---------------------------------------
It is mighty hard to shake me.
In my brawny arms I take thee,
I can either make or break thee.
Through each day, I slowly mold thee.
Soon my tightening chains enfold thee,
Then it is with ease I hold thee;
I can be both good or vile.
I can even be worth your while
Or the cause of your bitter cry,
Oft I’ve proved myself a pleasure,
Proved myself a priceless treasure
Or a meanness passed all measure
Harmless though I sometimes be,
Yet my strange force is like a magnet
Like a great and greedy dragnet,
Though you sometimes fear or doubt me,
No one yet has lived without me.
I am present all about thee,
Choose me well when you are starting,
Seldom is an easy parting,
I am a devil or a darling.
I am habit.
-------------------------------------------
One more last thing.
There is a book called, "Hung By The Tongue"
by Francis P. Martin. It is a very thin-light paperback book that may relate your true questions regarding your cousin.
Sharing your grief of a lost family member,
FreindOfJeep.
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