A Jeep In Summer

One Shot Of Sad

So at about 11:30 Saturday morning I dropped off the box of stuff to be delivered back to her. A cooler, some books, triathlon training magazines, a CD. And I almost cried but instead swallowed hard, faced up to my responsibility and my decision one more time, and drew a cup of coffee from an almost empty pot at Greyfriar's. I stood looking at the street and said to my friend, "I don't know why this is so difficult." "Well, you did, for the last four months, have a friendship and for the last month, a relationship. And now it's gone."

I apologize to everyone else that I talked to at the coffee shop. I was extremely on the edge and I just couldn't make it to the point of normal civility. I wasn't being a normal human being. Of course, lots of people would say, Ok, when ARE you normal?

Some days the only place I find any sort of normality in my life is in the gaze of God. I can't find it from the feedback of the people around me, even if they're saying they're my brothers and sisters in Christ. Their gaze, their glances just aren't helpful or affirming--there's too much pity. (Poor guy--still single. And oh wow, he has a bad relationship with his dad. You know what, that doesn't always mean what you THINK IT DOES! In any large city, in many other communities, I fit into the social norm.) They don't help me stand where I need to. They don't help me walk a harder road than they might have to follow. They don't help me see or think about what is somewhere down the road. They don't ask me what I need. They're kind of, "You know, I'm going to go pray that the marriages in our church will be strong and that that will be our witness to the community around us." That's a great prayer. I love that prayer. I pray it too. But at some point I need you to pray for me. I also have responsibilities. I also am called to be faithful and obedient and to care mightily for the people God puts in my life--students, housemates, co-workers. So what if they're not spouse or child? That does not invalidate my calling. To them. In their life.

Yeah, I also am called to be faithful and obedient. And it is just as hard for me as it is for you, even though the circumstances of life might vary quite drastically. I will pray for you. Will you pray for me?

Yes, I'm venting. And I'm speaking in sweeping generalities. There are amazing exceptions. You know who you are. I count on you to help me live in reality, and I need you to help me be who I am. You put my heart in motion, you make me laugh and cry. I need you. Please don't go away.