Spent last night in Alabama with my sister and her husband and her in-laws. Grilled burgers, blackened hot dogs, potato salad, a screened-in porch with a ceiling fan, long lazy conversation, the soft Alabama night, hyper dogs chasing each other, and peach ice cream. It was a good time.
It is odd to be in Gadsden. I don't like to go there, because I have this compulsion to forget and forsake all the things/situations/people I grew up with. I get a sinking feeling as I cross the Etowah County line. There are certain roads I won't drive. Even in good weather with in a topless Jeep.
But I go. It is important to see my sister in her home and to make the effort to be in the circumstances of her life. And somewhere in the initial laughter of being together the dread in my heart escapes until I am on the road going home. And it comes then because there are things I am leaving undone. I am driving back to the home of Chattanooga, but there is bitter cold terrain in my psyche.
I am told that I will regret those undone things, the phone calls not initiated, the roads not driven. My response is--you don't understand, you come from a family that is undivorced, still together, somewhat healthy; I will always do the best I can, and if nothing is the best I can do, I will live with that. Someone else set the land mines long ago, and I know where they are. If I refuse to walk over sneaky little bombs, I may live to walk another day. If I have to have different ways of being psychologically healthy than you, well you know, I will not apologize. I have to turn a crazy world back around and you don't. If I have to live differently than you to be able to get up in the morning and take what the day brings then I will live differently. And I'm not gonna worry about you understanding. If you aren't willing to at least flirt with understanding then you can find people who are just like you and hang out with them.
Posted by mike at July 12, 2003 10:56 PM