July 30, 2003
Up Late and Thinking Way Too Deeply
These are some of the things that are on my mind. At 2am.
- I wish I could understand more about human complexity. How can people who are so nice and polite and patient with me and fun to be with be so uncomfortable when they find out that I have gay friends? Hello? You are my good friends? Why is it so hard for you to believe that "they" are close friends of mine and well-loved? Why is it so hard to believe that "those people" are real, and not just freaks that you routinely lambaste with homophobic humor?
- Why am I so excited about moving to Hawaii and the clear way God has shown me that this is his place for me, and at the same time I am also so bummed about leaving here? I love Colorado and I love being here.
- I wish I could live with all my friends and family nearby. I miss my old Cov friends, and I miss my new colleague-friends, and I am faint of heart at the prospect of trying to make new friends again that I will just end up losing when they move or I move. I know it is 2am blues that are weighing me down and that things will look better in the morning light, but for now I am sad.
- I think it was 2am when Thomas doubted. Things are bleak at 2am. Well, as the centurion said, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"
- I am lonely. I commisserate with Jeep who talked about being lonely. I want to be not lonely anymore. And you know what is adding to this train of self-pitying thought? I just caught up with JosiahQ's blog and he makes little comments about how great it is to be married and not to have to worry about dating and how much he misses April. That is great and I am not jealous of either of you, but it is just a reminder that (as my brother-in-law said) I could make one encouraging phone call to someone (a person in particular) and I could be married within a year. I am tired of waiting for 'Mr. Right.' Why is it hard to remember that "no relationship is better than the bad one" at this ungodly hour?
I think I'll just go to bed.
Posted by at July 30, 2003 04:06 AM
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Yeah, life can be a little lonely sometimes. But I think that's the point when you have to start digging into the lives of your friends. If life is a pilgrimage toward Jesus, and I suspect it is, then we're constantly journeying with people en route to the same destination. No, there isn't the permanance you seem to be wanting, but there can be some beautiful moments of companionship. Check out Lang's blog; he's got a great post about just that.
Well, it makes tons of sense that you'll miss CO. It's your home, you know where everything is, it is beautiful. I think you should be totally excited about Hawaii, the kids you'll teach, the clean air, the beach, the beach, facing the task of teaching 5th grade, the ocean, and the love of God in providing this great new thing for you to do, in a great place. I'm excited about visiting you! What a great fall break trip that would be! And I'll bet that Harley rental place is still open...
Don't think marriage is some kinda solution for loneliness, it is, of a type, but it introduces complexities and problems and sin that try to drown you. Enjoy being single. Marriage will come when God wants it to come, until then, enjoy the easy life.