Today I upset a friend. He took me out to lunch after the meeting and we waded deep into a discussion about alternative energy sources, environmentalism, and the economy. Because we both know the overarching truth about governments and our future, there's this feeling that it's ok to discuss these issues pragmatically, because, after all, it doesn't really matter anyways. Right? Well, at some point in the conversation, I internally started to disagree with almost every point he made, even though I couldn't argue the details, and didn't really want to, so I just smiled, which is not a good idea. He didn't seem to be getting upset, but I missed my exit cue, and after a particularly dismissive comment of mine, he got up, clearly agitated, made a comment about my sitting there smirking for the past 20 minutes, and grabbed the bill. It took me by surprise, and I sat there at the booth thinking about how to apologize for being a jerk and then looked out the window to see him getting in his car. I jumped up and ran outside, but he ignored me and drove away. Ouch.
I've noticed I only upset people I'm close to, like my sister and good friends. I guess it was time for another reminder to change my clothes. (Col 3:14)
Posted by dan at February 9, 2004 03:30 AM | TrackBackI learned something recently. There's a difference between listening, and listening. We can listen to everything someone says, and in the back we are churning in our head how wrong they are and how can we correct them.
Or, and this is the tough part, we can listen and in the background convince ourselves that as a friend we should respect the fact that others are completely entitled to their feelings.
We can then acknowledge our friends feelings. But if we feel the need to offer a different opinion, wait... wait five minutes... if it still matters, try, 'I've been thinking about what you said. I understand your feelings, but have you thought of this?'
After five minutes, we may realize that we don't need to correct everything, and sometimes, we'll realize (probably the most often) that we needed to be corrected.
I learned this the other day. And to any I have offended at some point, I too apologize.
Posted by: M Kenyon at February 10, 2004 06:18 AMHmm.. Granted an apology is always in order and the right thing to do. So do not deny yourself of this opportunity to re-gain a friend. However to be frank, any male in society who gets up and pouts by walking out the door in this manner is very immature, and needs to grow up. Not everyone including friends is going to agree on matters of this nature.
If he was upset that you were not responsive, which he evidently was - judging from his response, he should have changed the subject. Granted you maybe should have changed it yourself, to avoid this. But just as imperfect humans cannot predict nor agree on the future of politics and the environment, neither can we predict that our ‘friend’ is going to walk out on us upset.
Now if this had been a female friend. Well then I would say you have a lot to learn about life..
Good advice, both of you. I think he wasn't upset by my lack of responsiveness, but because I was sending the message "yeah, keep talking - I know better anyhow." In any case, I called the next day and apologized for my attitude and he apologized for acting like a 10 year old kid, so all is well.
Posted by: dan at February 11, 2004 12:16 PMOne of the things I loved about our field staff group at Bethel was that we could all spout off about various topics, discuss them, disagree with each other on them, and yet not allow those discussions/disagreements to change our attitude towards each other. You don't realize how much you miss friends like that until you don't have them nearby anymore.
Posted by: jb at February 11, 2004 04:29 PMWhat are you talking about?! Spout off?! I never Spouted off!!!
;) JK
Yea, you do miss those days. I still have C Builder installed on my home PC. Even though I do Visual Basic now. I miss my cubicle!
Posted by: M Kenyon at February 12, 2004 06:47 AM