RIGHT TO THE CHIN

Kerry Denounces New Swiffer Wet Jet Ads

(AP)--Baltimore--Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry, in a rush to his van outside a Baltimore Hardee's restaurant, denounced the latest Swiffer Wet Jet ads, saying they are simply a product of a bunch of liars who don't value heroism.

"A bunch of liars made them," he said. "A bunch of liars who don't value heroism. I stepped up to the plate back then. I also took the snap from center, as well as winning the tipoff, and now I'm reporting for duty. I think President Bush should be ashamed of himself for encouraging those ads."

When Kerry campaign staffer Whoopi Goldberg pulled Kerry aside to explain to him that the reporter said "Swiffer" and not "swift boat," Kerry replied, "Oh, well, I was in a swift boat. The water was wet. I reported for duty back then, and I'm reporting for duty now. When I was in Vietnam, we didn't have handy cleaning tools like the Swiffer Wet Jet. All we had was a mop, a bucket of cold water, and a sense that we should 'do something' about that dirty floor. President Bush needs to understand that the American people know that it'll take more than a Swiffer to clean up the problems in Iraq, and in this country."

With that, Kerry thanked the crowd and headed to his next campaign stop in Norfolk.