Jerry Peter has sent me the latest version of the "Chatty Chatty" - Chattanooga's newest gossip column. Feel free to read...
In the tradition of ever-popular society and gossip columns, we're thrilled to now bring you the "Chatty Chatty," compiled by the one-and-only Jerry Peter.
Well, I'm back with more news about your neighbors.
Larry Bronston and wife, Angel, were in town to visit Larry's sister, Bernice, after she had surgery to fix her trick knee. Bernice needed surgery after her knee gave out last week as she tried to do a jumping jack.
Trevor McMillan of Signal Mountain will soon be seen on the small screen, as he's landed a role in an upcoming commercial for Tuck's Medicated Pads. "They paid me well," said Trevor, "and gave me a lifetime supply of the pads, but I really don't have that problem." The hugely accomplished actor has also appeared in commercials for Scope, Beano, and Clearasil - as well as a commercial for Imodium, which ran during last year's Super Bowl. "They always tell me I'm 'perfect for the part' when I get cast," reflects Trevor. "I just wish I had someone to share all this success with." You will one day, Trevor. You will.
Tarkeshia Jenkins and Laquandra Peters almost "threw down" while "up in the" Bi-Lo last week. "I was in the 12 items-or-less line," explained Tarkeshia, "and I was like, 'WHAT is taking so long?' Then I noticed that that ho (Peters) had 14 items. So, I was like, 'Why you got 12 items in this line? You need to go over to registra 5.' An' she was like, 'I'm almost durn, you need to back off and eat another Twinkie.' An' then I was like, 'Eat another Twinkie? You the one buying all them pork rinds!' And before she could come back at me, this white dude named Kip - I think he was the 'ssistant manager - got in the middle of the two of us, and gave us each a $1.00 off coupon for some Lunchables. So she left, and then I paid, and then I left. But I know where that ho lives, and I will not hesurtate to start somethin' should she get all up in my face agin'." No charges were filed by either party. Peters was unavailable for comment.
Folk singer Thom Davidson will be performing live this Saturday at the Coffee Nook. Davidson is on tour to promote his latest album - "Appalachian Wind Truffle." Admission is free and doors open at 7:00.
The Metro High basketball team chipped in recently towards Coach Ronnie Swafford's medical bills. The coach had to be rushed to the hospital when he complained of severe abdominal pains following a meal at the Supa Dupa Chalupa Mexican Restaurant in Tunnel Hill. Doctors say Ronnie will be good as new in no time, however - telling the Chatty Chatty that he is simply suffering from a case of the "Brown Frown."
Members of the Bush Administration will be in town next month to discuss the war in Iraq with members of the Chattanooga Independent Pizza Restaurant Workers Coalition for Peace. Citing the obvious connection between making pizza and solving the world's problems, the Bush administration sought out the 35-member coalition "for advice and wisdom," the coalition presumes. The coalition first caught the administration's eye with the "Everything George W. Bush Has Ever Done Is Wrong Because We Make Pizza For A Living March" it held last spring. That march was sponsored by the marchers' parents, and by their "close-minded" coworkers, who were left to pick up all the shifts left by those who left for the day to pick on the President. "It's a shame they had to cover our shifts," said Dave Todd, C.I.P.R.W.C.P President. "But we got what we wanted and that's what's important." A senior Bush official had no comment on the meeting.
Using complex mathematical formulas and an expensive Swedish stereo system, Mr. Funk Records employee Kyle Hannah explained to co-worker Chris Burns that Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is the best drummer ever. "Dude, listen," said Kyle, "Have you ever heard someone play that fast? And that's just with his feet!" Burns politely disagreed citing Carter Beauford fo the Dave Matthews Band as being far superior. "No way, Kyle, I just saw Dave at Lakewood and Carter rocked!" Just then, manager Ricky Timmons got back from making a deposit and said, "You're both wrong, Neal Peart is the best drummer ever." Kyle and Chris wanted to disagree, but feared arguing with Ricky would jeopardize their $80-a-week paychecks.
Skippy Adelman of Harrison learned to play the accordion this past weekend. "Skippy doesn't have many friends," says mom Pat, "and I thought if he could learn something like the accordion, he might, well, have something unique he could share with his classmates." Mrs. Adelman says Skippy is learning quickly, especially after having to recover from the concussion he received from classmates last month upon his learning how to yodel.
In other beating news, Tim Warden was punched last week while pretending to read "The Illiad" in front of Gayfaries Coffee. "I was trying to attract attention to myself, and look intelligent, but I guess I didn't notice that the book was upside down," said Tim. "Then this guy just wailed on me." Tim plans to come back next week with a copy of "Stupid White Men" by Michael Moore.
Jerry Peter is featured in over 600 newspapers, worldwide, including: The Boston Banner, The Atlanta Atlantic, The Houston Rustler Journal, and The Portland Plaintiff. You can contact Jerry at chattyjerry@hotmail.com.