from the Chattanooga Outlook
The "Boy Band" is alive and well. A terrible phenomena which seemed to disappear ten years ago with the not-quick-enough death of the New Kids On the Block, has once again spread like a plague, infecting every record store window, Billboard chart, and teenage girl's fantasies.
But as much as I despise the recurring "Boy Band" craze, I have to shamefully admit that this evil monster of pop music marketing has sucked me in, too. One day, while watching VH-1, I met my fate. And his name is Lance.
As I sat there in my T-shirt and boxers, it wasn't just the beautiful words or the sophisticated music of N'Sync that appealed to me. It was the total package. When you watch one of their videos, you can tell that they've truly lived the lyrics to their songs. It's tough to find a band as sincere as this one. They literally jump off the screen with "good feeling" and encouragement. At one point, I put down my bag of Combos, got off the couch and started groovin' along. I threw my hands into the air, waved them like I just didn't care, and screamed, "Oh Yeah! This is the band that I've been looking for!"
And within this revelation that call themselves N'Sync, there is one member who is the quintessential "Boy Band" pawn…uh, I mean…member. His name is Lance Bass (like the fish).
Lance's real name is Lanston, and he's a team player. According to his official N'SYNC web site profile, Lance doesn't try to grab the spotlight from the other members of N'Sync, instead, he opts to stay in the background and fortify the music with his sweet bass voice. His moves on stage are perfect, and he drives the girls crazy with his glowing green eyes, angelic oval face, and beautifully styled golden locks. He's also very photogenic, pimple-free, and does everything his manager tells him to do.
After being blown away by Lance and the rest of N'Sync, I expressed my newfound excitement to my wife, who, although being skeptical about my sincerity, suggested that I should write a letter to Lance.
I took her up on the offer. Here's a copy of the actual letter:
Dear Lance,
My name is Bill. I'm a 26 year-old married man from Chattanooga, Tennessee. I love N'Sync, and you're my favorite. "Tearin' Up My Heart" is my favorite song, and I have all your cd's. I had a dog named Taco, but we had to put him to sleep because he got hit by a van. I read an interview with you in Teen Beat, and I found out that we have a lot in common. You and I both HATE mushrooms and reincarnation, but we both LOVE pizza, french toast, apples, and horseback riding. We also both have innie belly buttons! I don't wear pajamas to bed like you do, though. I wear underwear. And I'm also not that crazy about Lucille Ball, like you are. But that's okay. You rock, anyway! What's your favorite kind of cereal? Mine is Golden Grahams. They taste good. Do you like to read? I do. It's fun. Sometimes when I read, I pretend that I'm the person in the story. Like, one time, I was reading "Iacocca" by Lee Iacocca, and I pretended that I was a mogul of a large automobile manufacturer. It was cool. I got to say things, like, "Hey, I think automatic safety belts are a great idea," or "I'm sorry, Bob, but we're gonna have to let you go." That's what's great about an imagination. You should try using yours sometime.
I hope you're having a good summer, and I PROMISE that I'll see you guys in concert when I can. Until then, keep it real. And, oh yeah, you guys are WAY better than the Backstreet Boys.
Your Friend 4 ever,
Bill
I never received a reply from Lance. I didn't expect one. If you were a 20 year-old guy, and a 26 year-old guy wrote you a bizarre letter like that, would you respond? I wouldn't. Still, I'd love to meet Lance. We could hang out and do cool stuff like go to the Gap, rent Titanic, read some Harry Potter books, download some Limp Bizkit songs from Napster, and eat dinner at Chili's. And after I showed him my Beanie Baby collection, I could show him how to get a job. I figure he'll need one in about 6 months, or so.
Well, I gotta go. The therapist says I can see him now.
Hi this is nicole,
I JUS WANTED TO SAY HI!