Earlier this week, I had a visitation of divine grace which brought to the fore how far from Christ's life and example I am.
It was Tuesday evening, and I was walking home from the el stop. I'd made it to the corner of Clark and Catalpa. As I crossed Clark and approached the west side of the street, a man (or an angel) asked me if I could spare some change. He was ragged looking, but not insane. Ruffled but not unkempt. I could detect no alcohol or weed. To all appearances, this guy just wanted some change.
It is instinctual for me to reply that I do not give out money to those I don't know. Sometimes this brings on a short conversation--"I just need some money for some food" or "I'm just needing some bus fare"--and sometimes I can offer to meet those needs. (One time in Evanston I went into to Taco Bell and bought a guy a burrito and a soda.) Sometimes I can point the individuals to local ministries that can help with housing and job placement. Most of the time the asker doesn't even waste any more time with me and moves on to ask others around me for money.
So, I have a response, which I believe to be responsibly Christian, that I give to panhandlers and such.
But when the guy asked me for change, instead of my "I don't give out money" response I said, "No." I did not intend to lie. And technically speaking though I had change it was (I think) just something like a nickel, dime and pennies. My other money was a twenty dollar bill, which it would have been irresponsible of me (both in terms of my family's needs, and the potential harm to the asker) to give.
But in the Divine Liturgy we ask forgiveness for sins both voluntary and involuntary, and here was an involuntary sin. Either of deceit or stinginess or both.
The kicker? I'd been saying the Jesus Prayer on my new prayer rope as I walked home. I'd interrupted my prayers just enough to tell this guy "No" and continued on walking and saying the Prayer.
Or, well, I tried to. It wasn't but a few steps when it hit me what I'd done so reflexively and in the context of praying the Jesus Prayer to boot! I did continue to pray but with a much greater sense of shame.
The next morning I was reading from the Gospel: "Be giving to him who asketh of thee, and turn not thyself away from him who doth wish to borrow from thee" (Matthew 5:42, Orthodox New Testament). This was followed by my daily alotment from the Rule of St. Benedict. After quoting Matthew 7:24-25, the holy father says, "With this conclusion, the Lord waits for us daily to translate into action, as we should, his holy teachings. Therefore our life span has been lengthened by way of a truce, that we may amend our misdeeds" (Prologue 35-36).
More? Okay. On the way home on the el the very next evening (only twenty-four hours after meeting the man asking for money, and after having been chastised by our Lord and my patron saint), I was dozing on the el on my way home and fell into something of a sort of daydream. I was conscious that I had only the twenty in my wallet and, in my dream-like state, was fearful lest I be asked for change. I "prayed" half-incoherently, "Lord, don't send anyone my way asking for change." This prayer brought me to myself and I woke out of my doze with much shame.
Our Lord said that it is what comes out of the heart that defiles and corrupts a man. Here is evidence of what is in my heart, God help me.
Posted by Clifton at January 8, 2005 08:24 AM | TrackBackWhy not pray that you might encounter this man again and perhaps do this portion of your life over? This has happened to me twice, when I asked for it.
Posted by: R.W. at January 8, 2005 08:55 PMBe giving to him who asketh of thee; however, scripture doesn't say what to give, and it certainly doesn't say give them what they ask for. See if you can find that guy again, but get ready to give something far more costly than money.
Posted by: Elkanah at January 9, 2005 12:35 PM