Today is the Sunday of Forgiveness. Tonight a special Forgiveness Vespers will officially inaugurate the Lenten season. (Orthodox, like their Jewish forbears, calculate liturgical time beginning at evening.) The Vespers service actually gets its name from what is technically a separate service added to evening Vespers. At this time, led by the priest, each worshipper present will, in serial succession, face one on one every other person present and ask forgiveness for any wrongs done them. Forgiveness will be extended, and, at least at our parish, a kiss on each cheek, with a return for a third will complete the exchange of grace.
Though I've gotten to know some of the parishioners at All Saints in the past two and a half years, I really only know one of them in something more than as a fellow worshipper and occasional coffee hour conversation partner. This will be a little daunting, and not merely because it will be my first Forgiveness Vespers service.
But that's not why I'm apprehensive about Lent. Ever since I took on Lent as a spiritual discipline back in 1993, prior to becoming an Episcopalian, and while still a non-denominational Protestant, I've tried to enter it with seriousness and intent. I'd tried the giving up and the taking on. But I must have missed the fine print, because, it didn't seem like much of it ever made it past the hard stone outer walls of my heart.
This year, the fine print ain't so fine. That is to say, the letters are large, neon, blinking red: God's gonna be doing some surgery on you, my friend. Really? What kind? You'll see. No hint? No clue? Trust Me.
This first week will be the hardest, at least till Holy Week, in terms of the physicality of the fast. But Father's given me a dispensation to mitigate the fast in such a way as to instill discipline without messing up a pregnant wife's world! (And, of course, I'm glad that the next Scotch party falls on a Saturday, when alcohol is allowed!)
But I've been getting inklings of some character surgery this past week and in my prayers. During this time, I will find out whether or not I will receive the fellowship grants I applied for, and that knowledge will directly impact what happens to my doctoral progress beginnng in the autumn, when our baby is due. I may be confronted with the sort of parental sacrifice that may well alter my understanding of my vocation.
Then there's my blogging. I most definitely enjoy the exchange of ideas. And trained as I am in philosophy, and in my current academic setting, it's "No holds barred, Katie bar the door, feelings be damned, let's get down to it" sort of engagement. So the exchanges and challenges I've experienced have sharpened and encouraged me. I have found the ancient faith to stand up well under testing. No surprise there. It's been hit with everything for 2000 years, and still stands strong.
But, there is a danger here for me. Surprisingly, it's not the "bloodlust, go for the jugular" of intellectual debate. Or, I should say, that's not my primary concern. Rather, the concern is that it will reinforce one of my greatest weaknesses: the living of my faith mostly in the space between my ears. By giving my time and energy to these exchanges, or to do so to the extent I have in the not too distant past, is to take time away from living that which I know. But it's so much easier to be a Gnostic, secure in having all the right bits of knowledge, all the trade secrets, and masonic handshakes. Perhaps God should have given me less head and more heart.
But he didn't. So this Lent I know something of what's in store. Lip service must translate to life service. As some would say: Put up or shut up.
I'm impatient, self-centered, gluttonous, proud, arrogant, self-centred, lazy . . . and self-centered. Time to remove some of these tumors.
In this next week, I'll be the grumpy, irritable, frowning, apprehensive and not very likable guy who's trying to let the Holy Spirit work on him. Stand clear. By all means, don't feed me.
But most of all, pray for me, a sinner.
Posted by Clifton at March 9, 2003 08:17 PM | TrackBack