So, Sunday was Mid-Lent, the Sunday of the Holy Cross. As it turns out, this year, it was exactly six months after the Feast of the Holy Cross on 14 September. It was also the feast day of St. Benedict of Nursia, my patron saint (as is also St. Seraphim [Rose] of Platina).
It was an important day in many respects. It was the first day our parish worshipped in the "new and improved" nave and sanctuary (although some minor painting remains and carpet needs laid). Gone are the pews. I am so glad! It has a much more familial feel to it now. When Father moves among us to cense us, it really is like being at a family feast. The movement in the nave to venerate icons, to go forward for communion, to worship, is all so much more natural. I'm lovin' it.
But it was an important day for me personally. It was a chance to repent (again) and pick myself up and go at my Lenten disciplines again. Regrettably, I failed to take advantage of the day.
I don't know why it is, but this is the second year in a row that it's happened. Prior to Lent, I'm going along and doing fine. Praying my prayer rule more often than not. Consistent in my spiritual reading. A heart warmed toward godly worship in spirit and truth. Then Lent happens, and it's like the gravity of a black hole takes over and I come to a screeching halt. Not only do I not accomplish my Lenten disciplines, but even the normal day to day stuff is stopped in its track. And whereas outside of Lent, when I miss a day of prayer, I usually repent and jump back in the next day. But last Lent and this year, I cannot, for the life of me, get myself out of this force of inertia to get back into regular prayer, worship and intercession.
It's excruciating.
So, today, I finally drug myself before the icons. I lit the long unlit vigil lamp, and I prayed. I asked the forgiveness of our Lord for failing to honor him with my life, and for the many sins I'd committed. I asked forgiveness of the Theotokos for failing to give her the honor God has given her. I asked forgiveness of St. Benedict for failing to honor him on his day, and daily in my life. And I asked all the saints to pray for me, suffused as I am with sin.
There is a renewed sense of peace. And for that I'm grateful. But I am ever more conscious of my need, of the sin that permeates my every cell. God have mercy.
Before thy Cross, we bow down in worship, O Master, and thy Resurrection we glorify.
Posted by Clifton at March 16, 2004 09:08 AM | TrackBackThe purpose of Lenten discipline is to sanctify us and also to remind us that we cannot sanctify ourselves. To the extent that we fail at it, we may at least learn the latter lesson.
Posted by: craig at March 16, 2004 12:14 PMClifton ~
Sounds suspiciously like my own Lenten journey. The fasting from food is not much of a problem, unlike last Lent (when I was only an inquirer) about this time when I went wandering the grocery store for ANYTHING different to eat (and ended up with veggie hot dogs). I'm not fasting from snarky speech as I should, or judging others, or keeping up with my prayer rule and Bible reading (well, the Bible reading is still there more than anything else).
When I mentioned this to Fr. in confession last week, he said it sounded like a normal Lent to him. My prayer life has been very dry. Psalms were suggested for the time being, instead of trying to follow the regular prayers in the little red book.
Posted by: Theodora Elizabeth at March 16, 2004 12:58 PMThank you, Theodora Elizabeth. The Psalms sound like a good thing. I have two memorized, but it might be a good time to memorize some more.
I've been struggling too; thank you for your honest sharing Cliff. I identity with your "force of inertia" phrase. If I miss the Morning Office, I think well, there goes the whole day. Speedy repentance is escaping me also. Or rather, I run from it. I also noticed that when I skipped lunch yesterday because I was too busy, I wasn't very hungry at all, but when I fast I'm starving...something's wrong with that.
This is the reading for Compline tonight (I'm using the prayer book Eastertide):
"The brethern asked Abba Agathon: Amongst all our different activities, father, which is the virtue that requires the greatest effort? He answered: Forgive me, but I think there is no labor greater than praying to God. For every time a man wants to pray, his enemies the demons try to prevent him; for they know that nothing obstructs them so much as prayer to God. In everything else that a man undertakes, if he preserves he will attain rest, but in order to pray a man must struggle to his last breath." (from the Sayings of the Desert Father)
Posted by: Jennifer at March 16, 2004 02:09 PM