Chicago (Silliness Cubed Press)--In a disturbing turn of events, today, a local self-described "Orthodox wannabe" trimmed three months' of faithful beard growth. Clifton Healy, age 36, said of his ordeal, "I know trimming one's beard is giving way to the passions, but, really, my daughter was pulling the heck out of it!"
According to Healy, the onslaught of temptation began to occur a few weeks ago when, as he describes it, his daughter, Sofie, age four and a half months, "grabbed and pulled on anything she could reach." While he faithfully resisted the urge to trim his beard, soon the painful irritation of an unforeseen yank began to war with his determination to remain faithfully bearded. "I know I'm supposed to utilize these trials to mortify the flesh," said Healy, "but there's only so much a guy can take!" According to Healy, the yank on the chin-hairs was entirely bearable. But it was when Sofie pulled on the hairs just along the jawline, "Wow. I mean, that really smarts! The length just had to go." And he added, "Besides, I haven't been chrismated yet, anyway. I can still make a confession later."
While Healy has retained the full beard, it has been trimmed to a hair-terodox, non-infant-grabbing length. According to Healy, his wife of ten years, Anna, is relieved. "Although I admire his willingness to pursue hairy-faced orthodoxy," conceded Mrs. Healy, "he was starting to look like a scary-man."
News of Healy's fall to hair-terodoxy has yet to reach the faithful, but there are bound to be condemnations on all sides. The faithfully bearded are sure to chastise Healy for his weak will, bound by fleshly infirmities. According to some unnamed sources, there is talk of anathematization. "Is outrage!" shouted one top official among the hairy-faced. On the other hand, unconfirmed reports among the hair-etics indicate that hair-esiarch, Karl the Smooth, and his disciple, John of the Naked Chin, have prepared an as-yet unpublished press release taunting Healy for failing to, as they put it, "go smooth."
[With a nod to The Onion Dome for the inspiration.]
Posted by Clifton at January 4, 2004 07:24 AMHair-esy!
Is outrage! You just have proven you will remain a layman. No one becomes Orthodox priest or deacon without beard. Is that not the way it was done in nineteenth century Russia?
:-)
Posted by: Michele Hagerman at January 4, 2004 03:07 PM"One step at a time, my friend," I said stroking my smooth chin with a smile. "Soon you will see the power for the smooth side and together with us we will rule the Fuzzy Faced!!"
Bwahahaha!
Posted by: hair-esiarch, Karl the Smooth at January 4, 2004 03:12 PMPlease write me. I'd like to talk to you about using this article in a website I publish.
Posted by: an intrepid editor at January 4, 2004 03:39 PMClifton!
What happened! When I passed the torch to you I had confidence you'd keep it lit! Shoot...my follicle martyrdom even prompted two of our local E.S.O.B. novitiates to grow respectable manes themselves (…Of course it’s turned one of them who had model-good-looks into looking like one of the bears in Disney’s Country Bear Jamboree)!
Nevertheless, it’s inspiring! So much so…I’ve realized the darkness and utter deprivation in attempting to live a proper Orthodox life devoid of whiskers and have since grown my beard back and thus…ensuring my salvation! I would pray you do the same and throw out your razor today! Never again will I slip into hairetical doctrine and be schmoozed by the Karl-sey of our current age!
Any "before and after" pics?
Don't you think i understand your pain? Basil has got vice-grips for fingers and yet you don't hear me whining!
This is truly sad! The Plew house will be in sack-cloth and ash over this ordeal!