Lobster in a Bucket

Hirambe!

Today, July 31st, 2005 I went to something called a hirambe. I’m not sure what this word originally meant, or from what language it originated. But if I had to define the word based on my experience it would go something like this.

Hirambe-a church-service that doubles as a fund-raiser. In order to raise the money, the organizers make the service very long. Lengthening each part of the order of worship an average of 35 minutes.

How does this event actually raise money? It’s quite insidious. You get invited and it’s made very clear that if you decline the invitation they’ll just reschedule for a date you can attend. So you have to go. After the initial 4 hours of church, including a 90 minute sermon, a 50 minute sharing time, innumerable choir numbers, and offering is taken. If enough money is raised in the minds of the organizers, the service can stop. If not, church will continue. Or at least that’s the threat. Fortunately the initial offering was enough, so we weren’t faced with the alternative.

Of course, once the money is raised, a speech is in order. The donors (us) must be congratulated a reminded of what wonderful things their offerings will do for the church. In total, by about 5 in the afternoon you may get a benediction. However, you can’t stand for the benediction, or any part of the service, not if you’re over 6 ft in height. This isn’t some strange rule. It’s just the practical reality of a ceiling that stretches all the way to 5 ft 6 in.

After the benediction, and nearly 6 continuous hours of church, you get up to leave like an escaped criminal. But this is too early to expect release. In “appreciation” a wonderful meal has been prepared for you, because after all, sitting from 11 to 5 will work up an appetite in anyone. The food, a very rich meal that makes you feel bad for all your fidgety irritation, takes time to eat. But you can’t just eat and run. After the meal, you must join your hosts, who not wanting to disturb your meal, have been waiting outside for a chance to converse. In all told, a process that began at about 1030 AM may be over by 7. Hirambe!