7 seven 7 seven7 seven 7

On the road again, not.

Do you ever wander off, like sitting in your car? Wake up in your own driveway when you had planned to stop somewhere else. Is this old age? Am I sick, I think that I drive safely, using blinkers and checking the blind spots. Maybe this is bad... or maybe I have become the best driver ever. I know when someone throws anything at me, my ability to catch is somehow linked to how much I think about it. If I just do it, it works, if I think about it then usually the keys or ball or frisbee ends up in the dirt... just a side note anyway... hope you are well.. peace and drive safely, and I'll try to do the same...

Adventure

In the face of adventure, Susan and I are off to Chicago for a friend's wedding. Susan's playing in it, shocking I know (ha ha) and we'll be up there all weekend... hopefully seeing some cool stuff, and forgetting to be critical... that's my goal... that and to have fun... and to be liked by every frickin Chicagan I meet and suddenly become the most popular person in the world and never have any issues with anything any more. Man it's going to be great... All this negativity that I have delt with for 33 years is just going to suddenly be only apart of my past... wow... I got to get out of hear so that can hurry up and happen... see you later... Brian

something I drew

Chew's day

Somedays I feel okay, like I am right and the world is an alright place... Today wasn't one of those. I feel pretty overwhelmed by life and it isn't about work, or things in specific its all about the general feel to my day. I had no hope, it was me fighting to stay upright mentally and spiritually all day.
I don't know if I made it out alive or if it would have helped a whole lot to wear a WWJD bracelet or have been somewhere other then where I was... anyway, thoughts of the day..... peace

calm

today is Sunday, it's been alright.. I am sitting trying to do something at least a little bit creative since I feel like weeks come and go when I don't work towards expression of any type. It's bad, I feel like that's something I can excel at but it takes work.

The difference between it taking work now and when I was younger is that when I was younger I was so consumed by the idea of creating that it was a living breathing need. Like eating or breathing, now as time has chiseled away at me some and taken a few rough edges off, it's started to become something that takes effort. Still as exciting and rewarding but my life has begun to choke it out like weeds keeping roses from growing. I don't know if that's right... anyway blah blah blah... ten four on the bogie nine.

b.

Thirty Three and not counting

In my time as a younger then now person I often had felt that I would be something much more grand by this point on my life's timeline. That somehow I would strangely be hailed as the most ___________ person who ever existed. As the time has worn some on my and my soul (soles) I wonder what I would want to be so much better at then anyone else. As I went through the lists in my head I realized I hate the very idea. Why do I struggle to feel that I was made special, so special that time would unwravel this amazing masterpeice that everyone within a mile would know how amazing I really was. Huh, anyway... I'm thirty three, struggling to be someone better then I was yesterday and usually seeing how short I fall.. Still soon this race will be run... and hindsight will be the best gift ever I do believe.... anyway hope you are well... I think I'm fine, got issues but still just fine.... Bygbee.

trouble is no trouble

the trouble is trouble with me. I just wrote this long blog. like longer then maybe any post that I have ever put up here.. then I decided to send my computer "susan jr." into spins by opening every software program the little mini mac and made it freeze. Pour little computer. the crappy thing stole parts of me. I shared deeply, things that meant something.
why must I explain
I am not going to

sorry for you... it was great, it flowed, it talked about things that really matter and I opened up quite a bit too... it sucks that my computer got jealous of my heart to sleeve proportion and pulled the plug...

basically I said I miss D. master.
that was it.
and where the heck is Arron Elkins that boy needs to be found by me. If you see him... give him my number and make him call me.... thanks. b.

it's all in the hold

though I am here at work. work am I not doing. I am just stairing at my boss. trying to answer phones. anyway thought i would say hello... and goodbye. peace...

tim's birthday video

is this going to work? it's a youtube video

Dragons and that jazz

Download file
this dragon I found in Montreal in a church that Susan, Jon, Katie, Liam and I attended on Christmas day, there was a nice feel to the intimate setting and it was a beautiful building. When I saw this stained glass window I thought, that is an amazing dragon. So there you have it. I went to montreal to see liam and the Dragon... anyway take care... tomorrow is our 1st year anniversary (hooray)... bye

the boy

Liam is the man, he makes us happy knowing he exists, furrowed brow and everything...
see what I mean...

testing, the mini mac and it's use of the force

this is just a trial... don't be shocked, I drew this, and it's okay... hold tight, more to come...

given the finger

Some of you may already know that friday being the fith day in a row that seemed to have accessive monday qualities, one of these was me trying to cut off my right hand's index finger's pad. I went to the hospital and was looked at by a very fun Irish guy who helped keep things cheerful. I was given the choice of stitches or not, I chose not. anyway I would show you a picture of it but I haven't taken one... so until then bye.....

just thinkin

just about to go and play a round of tennis, then later this afternoon possibly play a round of golf. What a day, yep, anyway these are good days. I do feel a smidge unaware of my own future, but I think that's okay. I sometimes wish I could have figured out more so I wouldn't be so in the dark all the time... still it's dark. I gotta go. hope your day is cool, not cold, and you hear the most amazing song and it inspires you to climb a tree, yes even if you're on social security. and maybe have an adventure or two... take care... Brian

some art now and again does us good

I am under the impression that doodles will save the world. not really but they do play a key roll in my mind being set on auto pilot enough to get some thoughts out that are awkard and sometimes a smidge backwards... this is a moon... i can't remember what I was thinking about... still it was fun... Brian

been drawin again

sometimes at church I sit there and doodle so that my mind can hear what's being talked about. It's a great tool for me to keep focused... sometimes I even like the drawings that come out at the end. this one I do....

thougths

July 3rd, 2007
Susan played "Pop's in the Park" with fireworks and all. She did great... I am now tired and so is she. Life is good, saw allot of old friends, Andy, Lang, Charity, Bethany, Vince and Kiko, emily and more... anyway it was cool... now it's over and time to slow down.... take care... Brian

this is a test, don't worry I know nothing

hey all... this is me testing not only my mac abilities but trying out Susan and my new all in one printer.... we can scan, which this picture is from.... my journal... hope you liked it...

our wedding foto's

hello all, these our are photo's from our wedding... just click on the my photo's link and goto our wedding... there they are... peace......
p.s. all these photo's were taken by Alison Demoss. She owns "In His Image phototography" @ www.ademossphotography.com thanks... Brian

U, you, u know my name

this is Susan and I.... fun isn't it...? We are awaiting the arrival of Susan Jr. (mac mini) that should be here anyday. I keep telling Susan that if she doesn't let me call the computer Susan Jr. that I will push very hard for our first female daughter to be named it.... I think she'd rather call the computer such a terrible and funny name... peace out... Brian

this is my altered sunset

sometimes photoshop is something else, it tends towards things and has definate types of feelings it goes towards.... anyway this is a sunset picture I altered.... peace... Brian

it's that day again!!!!!!!!

Today I turn 32, old and all... anyway just thought you would like to know... I am trying to get over to houses where I can check my email and update my blog... sorry for that.... take care.. we leave off to FOOD WORKS, a great place to eat... Brian

answering phones

today I am answering phones for BPC, Ben Parker company, the whole office went to the Small Business Awards cerimony, they are in the top three this year... I didn't know it was such a big deal but everyone dressed up really nice and ties were had by all... anyway just thought I would update since i have this computer here and nothing else really to do... Susan and I are doing well, I mean except for the constant fighting, ha ha... Na really things are okay. except for us going to my cousin's funeral this week. I wish I had been closer to him, and been more involved in his life, still we want to go honor him. Anyway I should go... take care... if d or b read this we are a big "no go" for this weekend, florida calls... Brian

from the week of my wedding

this is Linda my younger sister and Mother in Law, "momma jean" who had met and hung out before so it wasn't a first meeting.. the wedding was great.. . we like being married... Brian

blah blah blah

hey, It's christmas, and it's nice here at the Hawkins. I miss my family but that too is okay. I wonder how much stuff I can get done in this short month before Susan and I get married. Wow that's comming up quick. anyway we are planing it out still... everything is getting straightened out, we hope... We found a duplex and were painting (almost finished) the interior. It's a cheap place but we like the neighbor hood alright and it's a pretty good location. I am working as usual and I guess I should let them know I need the week after my wedding off... huh.... anyway... hope everyone's Christmas was blessed... mine was nice.... Brian

here is a song

I signed up for You Tube just to try it out and decided to upload something easy... this is a way underexposed setting but it's me singing something. click here I hope you enjoy... Brian

Work n no play makes

this is things I find at work

Good drawlers

these are drawings the kids a Sunday school drew of Gabriel telling Mary that she was going to have Jesus the baby. they are pretty cool... especially susans... ha ha.. hope you enjoy~~~~~Brian

Some of Momma Jean's art

I figure I have a few days before I get in trouble for showing Momma Jeans art on my blog so enjoy.. I think she does some pretty cool stuff... anyway take care... Brian

the art of being unfinished

Though this peice isn't finished by any means, I love aspects of it. Susan looks a little hollow, like I haven't fully discovered her yet, kind of fitting I think... anyway I really like it at this stage and I am tempted to leave it here... and maybe not... take care... Brian

get behind me Satan

yep cell phones. They are one of the worst things I think I have run across as far as for relationships with real people. Now granted some know how to curb this beast but it's crazy still. I can be in the middle of spilling my guts out and shizam, a phone call to my sympathetic ear is instantly to another planet. This whole cell phone craze, which I have one, is terrible. I mean we are so reachable that we can't connect. Anyway cell phone use pisses me off allot. in movie theaters is never a place to have one, while you're in the checkout line in any store - bad bad, when talking to anyone you care about -maybe could be bad.... anyway there are my two cents... Brian

something in the eye

there is something in my eye that see's things and likes them... this one was my look into my draft beer... Go figure... anyway thought it looked cool...b.

man vs. nature

as grinders hung like possums over my work area I had this thought, compairing man made stuff to nature and how that whole copying nature kick comes in.. We live in our houses with fake wildlife around us and with tamed animals. We have art things that are copied from nature many times... anyway just a thought.. Brian

Susan Rocks

I just have to say that my Fiance rocks... she did really well tonight at the Tivoli theater with Glasshammer.. quite a show I must say... anyway, got to go sleep before work... take care.. brian

Glasshammer

there is a band I would have not thought that I would like, and yet I do. They are prog rock... Yes, proggressive rock... yes.. anyway, they are really a great band, good grooves and awesome stage presence... check them out if you get a chance... they have two shows at the tivoli tommorrow if you care to check them out... 2pm and 7pm... I'll be at both... anyway take care... brian

old as me

yep this one was as old as me. it may have been started earlier then me but I am not sure on that one... IT was really tastey... yep, Mr. Hawkins let me have some when he opened and drank it.... anyway got to go..... take care....

working life

this was this week @ work. This is mark, he's our mechanic and he's really good at what he does. This was him trying to make the forklift act up, people were saying that it was dropping without warning, which is terrible, but we couldn't get the forktruck to do it again.. anyway I call it the fork lift endo... freestyle fork lifts you know... Brian

wouldn't it be funny

if cigarette boxes and softpacks had to have this picture on them. Man, I don't know it's pretty cool picture, but would cigarettes still sell. YES they would, there is something very odd about cigarettes and any substance that one becomes dependant on. Words can't change, warning labels don't get there, it's so much more then good and bad for you... anyway blah blah blah

Susan

yes Susan likes kids, this one isn't hers, she doesn't have any yet, but we are under the impression that we'd like to have some. EVENTUALLY... so yes for now we get to try out other people's kids and realize how much work having kids will be... anyway... fun thoughts... brian

My new job

this window is not only the company logo, but the visual representation of my entire job at Ben Parker Steel... I am the cage man, mr. canada, elvis and a slew of other names... anyway really enjoying it so far, and very far to go from here... I look forward to the weekend off... yippee... Brian

train to somewhere new

yes you... where is this thing going and why does time seem slower here on the rails... anyway thought you'd enjoy.... brian

the moments after

in the moments that followed Susan and me being engaged, this picture was taken, by one of us, I think it was me, but it may have been Susan, hard to say.... anyway we have registered at Target, Pier One imports and also Dillards. It's been a busy week.. Susan has almost finished choosing her wedding dress and we know what that brides maids will be choosing from. The guys have a general idea of what is required and I need to get on the ball there... anyway it's looking like January is going to come fast... Take care... Brian

the big weekend deal

Friends, foes, people and that other (those of you that aren't people). Hi,
It's sunday afternoon. This weekend I asked Susan to marry me, she said.............. no... I mean yes... yeah she said YES of course... anyway it was quite a funny little moment. All you need to know is that in the fumble the ring ended up falling into the crap cake dipping sause, which then we fished out and I wiped off and re attempted the placing of the ring. Yeah I was all nerves and feeling a little jumpy.... anyway we don't know what day but like 3 - 6 months and probably january or feb 07... kewl kewl... brian

Abooooot Canadia

Friends and people who accidently thought they were clicking somewhere besides here, welcome. I have just returned from Canada, the land of eh's and maple leafs, and hockey, and tim hortins (donuts) and liters and kilometers and kilograms.. the list goes on. Anyway I had fun. It was good. I would go back again without hessitating, though I might make it a smidge shorter, for I seem to have lost my grip on where I was in life.. but life goes on.. PEI is nice, Halifax has bigger ducks (trucks that swim) and they call them hoppers.... I think every city tries for a use at those massive ugly things... anyway it was fun.. lots of great seafood, some less then good seafood... Still, take your own tartar sause and head there for sure well worth your hard earned cash... it's slow.. and maybe that's what I like, it's southern slow but there is this up beat feel to the slow, odd yess.... so take care.. got to get rest before work tomorrow... Brian

blue like jazz

I am reading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz". I am close to half way through and am pretty excited about it... I have lived in panic and fear over what I see in church and see church being. As people who believe in God I think things go terribly wrong and I don't know exactly where, this book is a fresh outlook that is very close to my own.,... I like the freedom of thought and reasoning it gives me as a person who is sick of Christians and still following Christ.... anyway blah blah blah

some big sur family photo's

View image this is me
View image this is grandpa
View image this is Julie
View image this is Susan
View image this is Tim
View image this is Linda
View image this is Stacy

back in black

Friends, people and other creatures who can read, Welcome and hello. I am back from California and that was a crazy trip, let me tell you, it was hot, but more then that it was dry which makes southern people think it isn't hot. I had allot of fun, drank some Alaskan brews with Darren and Aaron and really had a good time. Anyway Susan and I although being extremely dis-orientent and tired are doing fine... all systems go... take care... Brian

Big Sur 06

hello friends... Susan and I are in California until tomorrow. We've eatin at in and out burger like three or four times and will eat there once more on the way to the airport tomorrow... It's great stuff... it's the waffle house of the west... except it's like better for you, and yes, good... anyway hope all are well.. I will have mass amount of photo's when I return so I will probably be looking for a way to upload mass amounts to show off our trip out west this year... take care... and peace.. bw

California I hope that it wakes me.....

As Susan and I count down the days and hours before our BIG SUR church campout weekend my nerves become numb, too much going on, a whole lot of change happening around here, it confuses me and I don't know what to do in parts... Right now I am waiting for Susan who's at Walmart getting last minute things for our adventure. I am really excited about this Big Sur due to a few tid bits. Things like Tim and Jill are going to be there plus... yes more... yes, Jill's parents are comming, very cool... and let's see... Susan Stacy and I are staying in North County until thursday,.... that's a week from this comming thursday... so we're there for a whole week... just a awhole bunch of fun say's me to me to I.... peace... Brian

jobs..

I have been offered a new job, that I am taking when I return from California with Susan. I think it's the end of July when we get back... anyway instead of being a pressure washer, I will be a parts and consumable manager at a steel fabrication plant. Sounds important doesn't it, yep I know... I think it does... anyway like Eric Parker who offered me the job, he also is the owner of Music for Missions. anyway I really look forward to starting this job, I look forward to what it will teach me and grow in me....

Pain is God's tool

serious stuff I know, sorry, hope you're up for this. I do not see myself as knowing much about this, I am grasping at straws and they seem true. Anyway yes, pain is God's tool. pain is a sign of brokeness, or something needing healing, or in the process of healing. Well, there are a few instances where I have seen this in my own experiences that times that I hated life and it was hard, in every way... in every way.... I notice that who I was before and after those points is drastically different. I don't always think that positive growth is induced by the presence of pain, and yet more times then not I see it's growing capabilities that are the most amazing and beautiful thing. I hope this rings true with you, and if it doesn't, let me know, in depth or just a line seriousy, I wanna know..... brian

Sunday again and again

Hey.... It's sunday and the night is apon us. My weeks have been odd, not normal, they all ebb and flow. I am not sure what is up, I think it might be sky. anyway it's blue and that's not new. peace... hope you're doing well... If you see the following

David Totten, tell him he's awesome and I miss him
Chris Mar, tell him Tuesday night, my house, loud music
Jacob Claasen, tell him I want him to goto bigsur
Chris Wildeman, tell him that it's been to long, come and we drink
Doug Wilkins, tell him that I miss him and hope he's well
T Dub, Tell him he's amazing, and I wish I could hang out with him all the time
J Dub, Tell her that T Dub's amazing ha ha, no she's amazing too..
Matt Lovik, tell him I truly am blessed to know him
and there are others, I just wanted to mention these

The Alaska King

folks, this is a king salmon, one of the few we caught in Alaska this last week or so. It was an amazing trip and we had a blast being boys in the wilderness... there were seven of us, alone for seven days on the open water, with a tug boat... anyway it was amazing....

one place we went to was Elfin Cove, and it was a trip in itself, you can only get there in High Tide

Back from Alaska

Got back last night from the long days and fun filled days of Alaska. I still feel a little ground sick. That's when you get used to being on the ocean and when you get back on land you start feeling funny, swaying and feeling queezy.... anyway it was a great trip and I truly feel blessed and priviledged to have been invited to such a great adventure.... thanks to Bill..... brian... (thanks Captain Billiam Hawk)

photoslop

yes folks slop, messy and you don't have to wash your hands... It's electrick paint mixing and light adjustment... what fun... I had a great time last night at the book reading for Dean Arnolds book about Old Money in Chattanooga, it's pretty cool... I would recomend anyone checking it out at least... and I saw my art prof from Urban Art Institute and it was awesome to see her and say hi and hear that she's doing well... And it was Shaun Lerose's birthday and we all went over to their house after the book showing/ art exhibit. much fun was had and we kept them all up way to late.... I am glad shaun was born, he's pretty cool, and I enjoy being his friend.... take care.... Brian

some art

I have been talking to people about technology, and I wonder why I feel this need to create without computer help, anyone can create anything with photoshop, it's a tool right but it's also a crutch.... anyway hope you like this digital peice of glow.... I call it frank... peace.. b.

tired and waiting

here I am, eyes blurry, from not going to bed on time. my days have been long, and nights unrestful. I am ready to have a weekend. man last weekend just rattled my cage. I think of weekends as a chill and double chill, but it was far from chill. anyway I miss having Emery around, he's good people. We will call him the new "weekend warrior" cause we only see him on weekends. the last weekend warrior in my life was Jason, he was my weekend roommate.. yea there is something fun about that... maybe not for those that are weekend warriors but for us who get the warriors. back with jason it also was the time period of our "sober weekend series", that wasn't really a series and we never started filming until there was beer to be consumed... so go figure.. maybe that's why we called it that...
I was thinking today about bikes. freestyle bikes, I used to rule the road with those. I mean i could out trick anyone who wanted to try, I was the anti poser. I would fall, yes I would fall.. alot... I fell so much that I got good at not hurting myself. In my life now I look back at this time and realize that there is a lot of good advice from my riding moto...

"IF YOU AREN'T CRASHING, YOU AREN'T RIDING HARD ENOUGH"

you may think that's crazy, but I think it works, listen to my explanation.
if you aren't crashing when riding, that means that you are sticking to things you know, there isn't any new part of it that you don't understand. aka YOU AREN'T GROWING... which means you're a poser. and if you are crashing repeatedly, like a mad man. Then you are being severly humbled, alot, and you are always trying things that you don't know will work.. Life is more of an adventure when your crashing ever trick....

churning

as I think of the way cream naturally soars into it's cup of coffee, not being stirred I am reminded of my entire life. I feel like a field that just got plowed, it's hot and birds are looking for anything to eat, like worms... I don't know if this is me and my deal or if this is something I need to go through, either way I believe that I will be going through this and hopefully surviving. I am not that which I hope to be, or ever wished that I could be. I do that which I have seen as dumb and irresponsible and hateful, while neglecting to get the things done that in there own small way would make this place, my world, my day, a much better, more pure and wonderful example of God's plan. anyway I have this heart that keeps pumping black, death, and these fingers that write words that destroy my friends and family. Too this tongue, slices through the air and polutes thoughts and causes those around me to fall.. I think this should stop and get better but the battle just gets closer and closer to me. I am fighting the battle of my life, every moment and my biggest enemy, biggest threat is this my own existence... take care.. I hope that you work out what you are doing here, on earth, and find out that it's important, for me I don't know, I guess I hope that I can see no matter what happens that if life was fair, we'd all be in hell... and realize that the trip to heaven is as hard as hell. and hot too... brian

in due time

there are things that wash out. there are things that should be uttered and never are, there are things that shouldn't be thought that we freely share. what is this chaos we call life... what is the equation of all this crap that makes it work right, so I don't feel guilty.... I was told tonight that I used to be a nicer person.. yes.. if you feel that me not caring enough to have issues with anything being nicer then sure I was nicer.. . I didn't care at all.. what changed? I don't know, I think it's the new superman underwear I have been using, it's three sizes to small.. that's a joke.. anyway... I'm still not resolved that this world isn't working under a completely wrong set of rules and we all have just bought it for so long that we don't think that anything better or different is possible... I am the first to admitt it... or maybe not, but I will admitt... stuff.. that I don't want to admitt...
things like I am not who i hoped to be when I was in primary school. I am not happy, meaning that I think this life is a journey and I don't wanna sit around trying to be okay with my life the way it is... Life is crazy, it sucks and it rules and it has days where I wish it wasn't, and then days where I can't believe how amazing it is that I was invited to open my eyes today, by the shooting rays of sunshine through my broken window shades. Now I know you might be saying that I am bi polar, or manic depressant... maybe you're one hundred percent right, I don't think there is anything wrong with a mild case of living life as an adventure, otherwise we are all just living this trance, and only hanging out with others who have our similar view about the trance... that's not good....
bye... comment if you like... don't offer to fix my problems cause the are mine, here that mine. if you see problems you can go ahead and alert me, but don't try and fix them, thanks... brian

Alaska

just got an email from my Uncle in California, Uncle Bill... yeah well he invited me to Alaska for a fishing trip in may.... isn't that wild.. I told him yes... I will take photo's for sure... anyway... I'm excited, like really, which is more then excited for normal exciteable people, so yeah wow... here's to Alaska and that wild ride.... brian

trying to sift through my sand

yep...... I have been noticing how angry I am sometimes. I used to be fine, almost like being in a coma. As my life is being transformed into something I didn't choose. I have been letting go of many things that I used to hold dear to me. Some friends say things like wow, strong person.... seriously I do not have that type of strength inside me. I am weak willed and not able to change my mind no less heart about anything... anyway take care... brian

days and nites

as I am in savannah after being in Atlanta, I feel a smidge disjointed and out of wack. I am ready to be back on Chamberlain and chillin with the homeys. Still work is available here, I might get to jump over the side of a 7 story building tomorrow, possibly, we'll see, anyway just ready for rest, and some good down time... hope you are well... b

Check it over hear baby pops

As monday is over now we can talk trash about it. I got pretty mad today, I don't know, I think that I might have blood sugar problems. Then I keep thinking how crazy it is when you actually try to follow the rules... I mean have you ever gone the speed limit on a freeway, it's terrible, it's the worst.. the world hates you because you choose to follow the rules.. I have started following them more intentionally because I started realizing that I say that what God thinks of me matters most, but I keep acting like I wanna fit in with the world... I struggle with this emencly.. and fail.. anyway check... brian