June 29, 2008
3,494 my ass (how to really catch a baseball)
ok, i havent blogged in a long time. not for real anyways. but i think ill give it another shot. ive got internet in my house for the first time since i left the states and a boatload of time on my hands. my mother's mother's sister, or my mom's aunt, or my great-aunt, i guess, once urged me to record the differences i notice in us and latin american or peruvian culture. so ill mostly dedicate myself to that i think. i hope people will take it tongue in cheek, despite any sarcasm or complaining.
but first i wanna rip on the focus of this article for myself and baseball fans everywhere.
ok, this guy, ill say his name, zack hample, cuz he seems like the type of guy who'd google himself to see what we're sayin about him, is a loser. furthermore, he is obsessed. in his defense, he admits it, here: the guy calls himself a baseball fan, but he apparently spends all the games he goes to running around the stadium trying to get balls. the entire game! i mean, going after baseballs is one of my favorite things to do during batting practice, even in 100 degree heat, but i, like most fans, go to games to...i dunno...watch them? not run around the whole game trying to get one more baseball to add to the 3000 i have at home. at some point, the non-history making balls become meaningless, dont they?
my rage is spinning out of control as further research reveals: he charges 500 bucks to go to a game with you. shoot, pay my expenses, and ill go to game with you for free, guarantee you a ball (with the same caveat that he gives, that we must get there for the start of bp), as well as my 'expert' analysis and brilliant and fun mind, and better conversation than this douche. please, dont get desperate, people, getting a baseball is not as hard as you think.
but back to this guy. or this article. whichever. it exalts him to no end like hes some god or something. its ridiculous. paying no attention to ushers, woo. no one who wants to do anything at any sporting event in america, pays attention or obeys an usher the first time theyre asked. no one. the worst that happens to you is they make you leave the spot youre in...eventually. and this pizza trick to get buy them when theyre checkin tickets? dude, dont waste money on pizza! just wait till theyre checkin somebody else's tickets. so simple. so non-fat. and so cheap. so...so...not douche-y.
and as for his languages that he speaks to ask for the balls...ok, im pretty sure you need two...spanish and english. after that, theres like 20 players from countries that dont speak one of those two languages. and those 20 are probably from japan or korea, so two more sentences, and you got the whole major leagues. way to go, zack, youre a friggin genius. youre so much better than the guys who learn phrases in other languages to get phone numbers or beer. (in my single days, idve taken both over my umpteenth ball, thank you very much. now ill just take the beer.) dame una chela!
then theres the opposing, or both team cap trick. ok america, time to let you in on the secret. players, coaches and teams in general are more likely to give you a ball if they think youre pulling for them! especially opposing teams that arent supposed to have any fans in the park. you already knew that right? those of you that care anyways right? you just didnt think it was worth it to go out and buy a 25 dollar (probably 30 now cuz of the gas prices, no?) ball cap, when you could buy a brand new identical ball for 8 bucks, right? this trick has worked for me millions of times, with shirts and or caps of both teams. just bring a backpack with the other t shirt and cap. change when they switch at bp. youll have space in your pack space for your bp balls too.
ive run into him before, i think. in detroit at the old tiger stadium. i didnt know who he was then, almost 10 years ago, i imagine, but even then i resented the juvenile way he double doggy dared brad radke to put a ball by the fence so he could show him his glove on a string worked. radke patronized him. and it does, in fact, work. ill hand it to you there, zacky boy. but i gotta say the gatorade bottle and a rock on a string guy at my home park in arlington is risking a lot less (empty bottle v. glove) and recycling, too! and it seems like a lot surer method of retrieving a ball. you can even keep your glove on your hand in case derek jeter decides to throw one at your face when youre not looking, z!
this article just gets my goat. the author, clearly british (unnecessary u's every other word, even in 'por favour'), fawns all over him, even likening him to cal ripken jr cuz he has a consecutive-games-getting-a-ball-streak (says zack, im sure). ive just now noticed that the game where zack gets to showcase his mad skills for the writer is a washington nationals-florida marlins game, so im guessing there were like 11 people there during bp. washington is 17th in avg attendance while the visiting marlins are last...not exactly a big draw that night. arg.
then theres the last few comments he makes. the first about how he could be a billionaire had he applied his baseball lust to the stock trade, but fortunately hes not a billionaire and just a ball hound. bullshit on both counts, man. youd take the balls over a billion dollars? you honestly think you couldve made a billion without being a moron and squandering it or actually losing a bil instead? dont think so.
and the last comment about his ball collection being equivalent to baseballs career hits list and it being a crime that hes not a ball player and that theyd be doing the same ball stalking that he is if they werent players is just plain crazy. as brick tamland would say, i think youve got mental problems, man.
well if youre still readin, i must not have bored you and u must actually care about the subject. so here are some, not all, free tips for getting a ball at a ball game. you dont have to buy a book or listen to my self glorifying bore stories. (note: ive never read any of his books or tips, all this is my own experience talking.)
0. before you go, bring gear for both teams, if u can, especially the visiting team, and a glove. duh. wear shoes you can run in.
1. get to bp early. be the first ones there. sneak in if you know how. worst thing is they throw u out till gates open. b) the idea is that the fewer people that are around, the better chance you have to get a ball. this applies from the time you get there till the time you leave.
2. print out or buy a current roster of both teams, call the players by name and ask for a ball when you see a player has one, preferably by mr. followed by their last name if youre younger. the only exception to this is if the player's name is wright, and you are a man. yes, i learned the hard way. it was awkward. dont ask.
3. say please
4. during bp, go to the lower deck outfield spot where there are the fewest people. see number 1b. the chances are there will be a ball hit in your area at least once, and where would you prefer to be when it happens? with 100 people 3 rows deep? or with 6 people no rows deep? you decide.
5. pay attention to the hitter in the cage, the pitchers etc in the outfield with the balls and any fungo outfield practice going on. all are possible sources for balls.
6. disregard 4 if there is an open area at your park where ball shaggers are allowed to run onto to retrieve balls, such as the grass batters eye in center field in arlington, AND you are athletic, healthy, and big enough to run and either catch or dive on top of a baseball. go there instead. this is not for kids. if there are enough people, itll be a stampede-dogpile-catfight atmosphere in that order. broken bones, weeping, gnashing of teeth, all of it is a possiblity.
6b. the warning track and artificial turf are your friends. what does a ground rule double do? bounces over!
7. after bp is over, head to the dugout with the players, cuz theyll be the only ones giving balls away at that point. remember to be polite.
8. kids, never say its your birthday, theyll be your favorite player or the like. they only hear that 900 times a day.
9. kids 10 and younger, project. yell. anything but the forbidden phrases in 8, above. and let your dad or whomever catch the ball for you. players are suckers for cute kids, but they have to know youre there. my little brother was, and still is, a pro at this, even at 12. this goes for cute girls as well. any age.
10. during the game, see number 1b again. go where there are no people sitting, especially front row seats anywhere along the foul lines or in the outfield. theres bound to be a ball that comes your way. just knock it down, you dont even have to catch it.
11. if 10 isnt an option, stay behind the dugouts and do what zack does, if it matters so much. race down the aisle behind the dugout after the third out is made if the player holds on to the ball. beat the player and the usher to the dugout. then go back to your seat. its never been worth it to me to do this. id rather just chill and enjoy the game, but to each his own. even zack.
12. as much as i despise zack for the undue attention he gets, and how great he thinks he is, i havent yet said he has no validity. again, do what he does by going to games where a giant crowd is less likely to show up. yankees, cubs or red sox games anywhere are a ball shaggers purgatory. marlins home games and late 90s braves playoff games are valhalla.
13. figure out where the umpires enter and leave the field. the home plate ump has a sack full of brand new baseballs perfect for autographs that he usually likes to unload after the final out is made. be there before he or anyone else is after the final out and make yourself long, and block out.
14. go home, think about how great you are, how great i am even though you dont know me, and that you only need 4,256 more balls to be better than pete rose, according to zack.
thats a rap. i feel better, dont you? if this post returns nearly as many searches as the wilco's best album post, then this should help some baseball fans. for free.