The events of last night all feel very surreal.
I've felt very disconnected from it, because I didn't really know anyone I was with.
It has been on my mind constantly throughout today.
I am not sure how to feel about the events, but wish to simply record some thoughts and my reactions
I've felt very vulnerable all day. I need to be surrounded, hidden, enveloped in safety... I need someone with a connection, tangible and reciprocal. I needed something solid to hold on to. The closest thing I've found is family. I woke my sister up last night, sobbing on her shoulder.
All this idea of change, how everything changes, and trying to overcome the fear of it, my first reaction of this was one of clinging.
I have been without my watch for the past couple of weeks, its been very different not knowing what time it was, always having to ask, and it promoted a feeling of drifting. I didn't get "ready" per say, when headed to hamilton place.
Driving up the interstate, the transient feeling was heightened.
I was driving faster than usual, my temper has been shorter than normal
My brow has been furrowed more than once today.
After I got my watch fixed, some part of me calmed down. Time was an anaesthetic.
The piece I posted on the last blog, is something that I would have painted on canvas to represent this.
My supplies are on campus. I needed an outlet.
Everything has been muted.
All previous "drama," quelled.
I was in the eye of the storm, standing on their sidewalk, praying.
I wanted to go out tonight.
I wanted to smoke tonight.
I don't want to think about this, and I don't want to be sober.
I want to forget.
My self-control is a a tenuous wall, holding back the breaker. It only fails when I vocalize the events.
When I was going to take a shower, and get ready to leave, a book fell off my bookshelf. It was the subject I am supposed to be reading tonight to prepare myself for a large paper due this week. I'm worried about paying off my cc, and don't want to withdraw even 7 dollars to pay entry at rnb. I've decided to stay in.
...I will always remember standing in their front yard, on the sidewalk, the white car in view, seeing S-- taking a brick to the window, trying to get to the man inside. I have never felt so helpless as I did walking down the front stoop, crouching down to hug my knees and crying when I didn't want to walk any further around the house.
I saw his friends in pieces, breaking down and screaming, crawling helplessly across the yard and running headlong into the street. I stood in the yard and prayed.
I didn't know what else to do.
I don't know how I feel about leaving, without helping them further.
They told us to leave, I was an outsider, my first time ever meeting them, S-- and I left because they told us to.
I don't know if they checked on him.
I don't know if he is ok.
I don't know if he even shot himself or if the gun even went off.
I didn't hear anything, because I was inside, two large speakers blaring.
I questioned God why was I there.
After I prayed and bowed my head, openly.. trying as hard as I could to not be ashamed, clarity came over me as I turned my head to the left, seeing S-- and another friend come down the back porch stairs.
The friend grabbed a brick, after S--'s request to have something to break the window. I remember affirming it's effectiveness.
I turned, nearly as slow motion as watching S-- hit the brick against the car window, and asked the man's friends to confirm that the police had been called.
They were hiding behind the hedge beyond the yard. Some still screamingand crying. I wondered why he couldn't hit the window harder. "Wasn't he trying??" Everything was filled with desparation.
Seeing us trying to break through to him, his friends became even more panicked, and began yelling at us to leave.
I remember trying to repress my tears as I walked through the house after hearing the messenger. I tried to not cry because I knew that there would be panic. I didn't want to add to it.
I couldn't help it.
I crouched below the hedge and cried after descending the porch, only momentarily, until I heard A-- on the phone with 911.
I've been told that it's not my fault, that there wasn't anything more I could have done to help.
I just wish I would have known him, then maybe I could have talked to him, you know, helped him from being so depressed. Maybe if I had struck up a conversation, and talked with him for hours, it would not have happened.
..
I know its not my fault, its not s-'s fault, its not anyone's fault but his own.
Unfortunately, it doesn't make it any less traumatic for those involved.
The events of last night seemed to happen succinctly--I hadn't even planned on going out.
It helps me to see this,
to read this on my site.
All previous entries will not live up to my need for these two.
this is of its own just.
The writing is broken, the time warped.
I am ok.
I am waiting to hear back from S.